I saw you and
I know how it feels
I know what it means
What could I do except wait?
I know how long it feels
When the sounds are
Falling all around you
I know how it must have seemed
And I would have been by your side
If giving my entire world would have
Been enough.
But with all the knowledge from our
Past mistakes
That we never carry into
The future
We hide behind pragmatism
Tying ourselves in knots over
Something still
Unacknowledged.
Disaster stood at a locked door
Looked at me through a window, tightly shut
Some restless, beating part of me
Reached out to let it in
The wary heart beside me
Said “Careful,
“Be careful, please”
If you break me, you
Don’t get a second chance
But that restless, beating part of me
Will not be
Still
Last night Lauren, Nathan, Christian, & I went to see the Grates at the Tivoli. John arranged for us to be guests and for Christian to have a media pass, so he could be up the front for the first three songs and take photos. The Grates show was really good. There were lots of drunken people everywhere and some angry people had an argument. Then some girl climbed up over the speakers like Gollum to get to John on stage. When Lauren and I were in the bathroom, someone body-slammed the cubicle across the corridor from us, and apparently completely stuffed it, which I found out later. It felt like an earthquake when they did it, and then they were like ‘oh shit!” and just stood around staring at the broken door & wall while the line to the girls toilets got longer and longer.
I was underwhelmed by Violent Soho & Faker. I hadn’t had anything to drink and I’m not used to being stone cold sober when I’m out at a concert. It felt awkward to be dancing in the side part, where all the lights were on and there weren’t many people. But then, when we had been in the throng, it was boiling hot and there were some overzealous people who didn’t realise that it wouldn’t be a good idea to go all out headbanging when there’s so little room for each person as it is. I preferred being out of that, and it was a fun night.
We spoke to John afterwards, but Patience was nowhere to be seen. I’m not sure where she was. I think John might have said but I obviously wasn’t paying enough attention to remember. My memory is so bad. At the moment I’m kind of just going along on my merry way, oblivious to everything until I get a phone call saying “you had an appointment today” or, “are you planning on paying this bill any time soon?” And then I get stressed because I haven’t been thinking about these things at all. At least if you think about them and mull over them for a bit they’re not such a rude shock.
Anyway. I just realised that I’m tired. I got to bed at about… 1:20am this morning, and then woke up again at 7:55am. Mum came into my room when I had woken up and was asking where the kitten was, and then said “What are you doing up?”. I don’t know how you’re supposed to answer that question, so it irritated me for some reason. What am I doing up? Hmmm. I have no idea what someone is actually asking when they say that. “Why are you awake?” could be another way of terming it. I just said, “I woke up. I’m awake.” Because that’s kind of what the answer is always going to be.
This is a story that I submitted for a creative writing task at school, I think in Yr 11. I think it also counted towards our final assessment. This was only part of the submission, and I can’t remember what the guidelines were. If you’re interested in the outcome, read until the end and I’ll tell you what grade I got.
One day, a man came out of his house and found that it was raining plastic bags. As this had never happened before, he called all his neighbours out to see. One of them was an old Chinese man. He said that the same thing had happened to the Communists in China in the early 1900s, but everyone doubted his story. He was like all old men, and just kept on talking, until a cat told him to go home.
By now, the plastic bags were steadily rising, so everyone decided to call on Super Ted to help. Super Ted came and said his magic word. Of course it was ‘Franks and Beans’ because Super Ted is a Pommy teddy bear. Someone overheard and soon the whole neighbourhood was zooming around in the sky, which was lucky because the plastic bags were not well over the roofs of the houses. It was raining plastic bags everywhere in Australia and Super Ted had to tell everyone his magic word so that they didn’t disappear under the plastic bags.
So now the whole population was in the air and out of harm, they all sold the plastic bags to other countries, and organised to make a bridge to the moon out of compounded plastic bags. All Australians were by now very rich from selling their plastic bags, and could afford to live in other countries, because no one could live in plastic bags. This is why Australia was called, “The Wacky Wonderworld of the South.”
So, if you were wondering, the entire assignment was graded A+. It’s such a load of crap.
By graphic images, I mean images of my arm/hand.. I’ll post them at the end of the blog in case you don’t want to see them. you can still read this 
Today was my first day back at work. I’m exhausted. The strange thing about being back at work is being in different climates/temperatures. While on sick leave, I’ve practically lived in my pyjamas. They are nice and warm, because the days are cold and there is no heating in this house. But as it warms up, I can wear just a t-shirt. Being at work today, I found the temperature stiflingly and ridiculously hot.
They seem to turn the heat way up to overcompensate for the chill of outside, but it just made me feel feverish. Then also, on the train on the way home, they had the carriages overheated too. Combined with the body heat of all the people crowded on there, it was enough to make anyone feel claustrophobic. I’m not claustrophobic, but that’s how I felt… It was so nice to be out in the fresh air on the walk home from the station, even if it was chilly. I so much prefer winter to any other time of year, but I wish that public transport and businesses would stop cooking everyone.
I am now known at work as an “Emogan” (well, really only by Kirra and Calum, but meh.) This is a cross between an emo and a bogan. The bogan part comes in because of my tendency to over-syllabalise words that are monosyllabic. For example: “here”, I pronounce as “heeyah”, although not quite as extreme as that. I’m getting a complex. Also because I come from Yamba, and apparently that sounds like a bogan place. The emo part comes in… because… i like Nightmare Before Christmas, and I have black and coloured hair, and I have emo glasses… and i like buttons… and … some other stuff.
Calum and I were discussing pronunciation of different words. Specifically, “Maroon”. Here are my pronunciations and definitions for maroon:
1. Maroon (Mah-roon): To put ashore on a deserted island or coast and intentionally abandon.
2. Maroon (Mah-rohn): A dark reddish brown to dark purplish red.
words aren’t always pronounced the same way as other words. Like the rule for maroon is proven by comparing it to afternoon. But what about can? we say “can”, not “cahn”, but we say “cahn’t” not, “can’t”. If we were to say “can’t”, we’d be accused of americanising.
Anyway, here are the pictures:
The sound on my laptop just suddenly stopped working. I know it will work again if I restart it, but it’s strange that it just stopped all of a sudden. It makes me think that there’s someone controlling my computer remotely, and when I start playing music they don’t like, they just stop the sound. Why don’t they just change the song?
Maybe I don’t have any music they like.
That’s just an example of my paranoia of late. I’m paranoid.
Want to see something I wrote when I was asleep?
Chancholi.
Her skin was soft, chocolate-coloured velveteen, her eyes shiny green marbles.
Who the hell is Chancholi? Was that a metaphor or just a description? weird.
I should start cooking dinner soon. ho hum.
I was thinking this afternoon that I had something to write about. But it was just strange unconnected thoughts. Like how if Nathan kisses PP, he’ll turn into Veronica Mars. Peepee I mean, not Nathan.
I’m forgettable and forgetful. I am obscurity personified. At least while I’m at home I am. Next week it will be different. Next week I’ll be right in front of people so they won’t forget me. I’ll still be forgetful, but it won’t matter so much. I wish I could forget the stupid things in life that make me sad.
I was
Watching the door
Turning circles
Wearing holes in the floor
Sitting upright
Staring Straight
Waiting
It wasn’t supposed to be like this
I lost the way and
You started writing instructions for me
Whispering hints in my ear
I’LL FIND MY OWN WAY
OR NOT AT ALL
I stood by the window
And saw nothing
I thought of you
And felt nothing
I said the wrong thing
And became nothing
I’ll find you again
Just give me another year.
Is it really that difficult to structure a sentence? Is syntax the most challenging thing in the world? I think I’m looking at this the wrong way. Does anyone see correct spelling and grammar as important these days or am I a literary pedantic? 
I hate my blankets. They’re like hospital blankets. They remind me of being in hospital. I don’t have a quilt, all I have are two of those hospital blankets, one blue and one brown, and now that it’s getting colder I have to fold them over to stay warm. They’re stupid because they’re not soft, and because they have holes in them. Not holes as in they’re so old they’re falling apart, but holes as in they’re made that way, with a really loose weave. I think they’d be great in summer, with flow-through ventilation built-in. But the point of a blanket is not to keep cool, it’s to keep warm, and as such it is better to trap the heat than to let it escape through stupid holes. I have two other blankets on the bed, they are like baby blankets. They feel like clouds. I like them much better, but they’re really short so they can only be used on top of the dumb blankets. I see them as a weak gesture, a sort of half-hearted conciliatory pat on the back. I mean, I do like my baby cloud blankets, but I would much rather have a quilt so that I could stay warm.
It’s strange how one dog will start barking, and then all the other dogs join in and it’s like they can’t stop. It’s like barking is contagious, like laughter or yawning, and once they’ve joined the fray there’s no going back. They have to bark until it runs it’s course. And it never stops at just one, especially at night time. And there’s always a leader dog, and he will start the others off again.
I’m really tired. All I want to do is just fall asleep. I still need to brush my teeth. And I think I should clean the plates from dinner because I don’t think anyone else will. But I’m just so tired. Maybe
I use up all my energy by having so much caffeine during the day, by putting myself on fast-forward I use up my alertness much faster, then by the end of the day I’m sort of exhausted but hyper in a contradictory kind of way, then when i get home and wind down I just end up wishing I could close my eyes and fall asleep right where I am. Then I stop making sense, like is happening now. Sometimes I feel like falling asleep at work, usually at around 2pm. I just want to find a quiet place and lay down and just sleep for an hour or so. I’d so suit somewhere they have siestas.
Anyway. I’m going to bed. Now that todays mystery has been solved I should be able to sleep soundly. No more nightmares about Rosie tonight, please! I hate waking up crying.
I had an I Heart Huckabees-esque experience a couple of weeks ago. I think it was a couple of weeks ago. Maybe it’s still going. If it happens again, then it’s still going. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.
Anyway, what happened was that I was walking home from the bus stop after work one afternoon, and I saw an Uno card lying on the ground next to the path. I picked it up, and it was a red draw-two card that looked as though someone had crumpled it up and laid it flat again, because it had all these crease-marks in it. Fairly inconsequential right? Anyway, it was either the next day or a few days later that I found another Uno card – this time on my desk or under my desk at work (I’ve got a really bad memory). This Uno card was again crumpled-looking, but it was a green ‘8′ card. What does this mean? I’m probably searching for a meaning where there is none, but you know, it is pretty strange. Could it be that someone who works with me and takes he same route home as me is crumpling up and dropping Uno cards at random, and I just happened to find two of them? It could be like a couple of years ago when I used to stick green toy soldiers onto things while I was out and about, like onto bus stop benches and walkways and shelves in the supermarket, and then one day I went to the cinema and they had found one when they’d cleaned out a movie theatre and stuck it onto the computer at the register, and I was so excited! It was like in that Mandy Moore movie “Chasing Liberty” (which was a cheaper but far superior version of the Katie Holmes one…ugh) where that crazy english dude gives mandy moore and the secret service guy stickers of the Six Million Dollar Man, to stick wherever they wanted, and one day they’d see one of those stickers and just know that they weren’t alone in the world, that everyone is connected somehow…
I’m bored and broke and I won’t have any more money until next week. I’ll have quite a bit of money next week, but that doesn’t help me now. I want to get a loan to consolidate my debts. So I think I might try that. If I can’t get individual approval I might see if mum will go guarantor for me. But I don’t think that there will be a problem. I want to be in a good financial position when I go to China. I’d like to keep working where I am because it’s a stable job and those are pretty scarce these days. It may be boring but there’s room to move and I really like the team I’m in at the moment, and our boss… everything is good.
I’ve got a cold so I’m feeling slightly down. Only because of that though, everything else is good. I’m not used to being sick. I was talking about it with Laura and Noelle and I think Abbey was there too, and Laura was saying that I seem to have been sick for every family gathering, and Noelle said that maybe it’s something psychological, like stress-induced illness, and I said that I didn’t feel stressed and
I was having fun. But I was thinking back over the years and I have been sick for every family gathering… every recent one anyway… it started when we went to Leeton a few years back, and I got so sick on the way that I couldn’t stand up or even move, and I was curled into a little ball in the back seat of the car, and mum had to take me to hospital in some strange town and I didn’t know where we were and I just lay on the floor of the emergency room in the foetal position, and I never actually got to see a doctor but we couldn’t stay there any longer. So Uncle Trevor gave me some of his painkillers (I can’t remember what they were… something strong) and we kept driving. When we got to Leeton I immediately felt better. I never did find out what was wrong with me. I thought it could have been appendicitis, and that I was feeling better because my appendix had burst or something and I was terrified that I was going to die. But I didn’t. Obviously. And it never happened again.
The next time was when we went to Sydney for Uncle Vic’s 50th birthday, but I don’t think that was psychological because I do have a broken back and that was the problem – I had a really sore back most of the time. So then the most recent one was this weekend, when I was sick with a fever and a cough and exhaustion and aching joints. I don’t know what it was, but I feel better now and all I have is a blocked nose. Which should go away soon. And it’s not like I’m all that worried about it.
So… I don’t know. Noelle said so far it’s been a trifecta, and we’ll have to see what happens at the next one to know for sure whether or not it’s psychosomatic. I hope not. That would be stupid.
Some things that I am fascinated by and can’t remember how I came across them :
Memes still confuse me… But I think I have the basic concept. And I find it really interesting, and:
Snowclones because I love neologies. And this one is cool, and I like having a word for it.
Tell them you’re scared
You want it to be like
When you were younger
You played spotlight
And hid amongst the trees
They’ll tell you that it’s all in your head
And fear is just a compromise
But you’re still afraid
Of your own shadow
And the darkness it suggests
They’ll tell you it’s common
And now you hold hope in the palm of your hand -
It’s small and white
But if life is not worth the effort now,
How does this change a thing?
They’ll tell you it’s all about perception
While I am strung out and medicated
I’ll perceive the passing of days
And my own relief I don’t have to be a part of that
Anymore
Something I forgot that could seem relevant at any given point, depending on what you want to read into it:
I remember times when light was feeble
And shadows lay across your face
As we watched clouds melt across the sky
Dripping faded moonlight over everything
Will I ever be completely sure of it all?
To sit and ponder, contemplate the past
It doesn’t seem worth the bother without you
To erase my own thoughts with your words
I once placed a crown upon your head, and
A kiss upon your cheek. I once bowed to you
Believing that you deserved all this, and more
That I was privileged to witness your genius
In the end, how different are you from everyone else?
You believe you are obscure, abstract, emotionally mysterious
A brilliantly vibrant piece of shit, but, in the end
Still a piece of shit
You should get your own shoes.
Nananana. Winchester has arrived on the set. Quick, places everyone! His fancy upper-class Boston accent is addictive.
It’s so interesting, I’m trying to figure out the pattern. Could we add Mayor Quimby to the reference pile? I think
perhaps…