Tim is back! Yay! It’s so good he’s back in the country, and I can see him and hug him whenever I like (which is often!). He’s been really tired today, which is to be expected when you’ve just stepped off a 25 hour flight and been awake for another six hours before that. I really hate being overtired. When we were in Dublin, we decided that instead of paying for a night at a hostel (about 16 Euro) we would explore the city and go shopping etc for the entire night. So, after having gotten up early that morning to catch the train from Greystones to Dublin, we proceeded to remain awake and active for the next 31 or so hours, the end of which saw us back home in Reading, after an exhausting flight from Dublin to London. The flight was the worst part because I felt like I was on drugs. I’d drift in and out of sleep, and awareness of my surroundings. It was like when you see one of those videos of a baby animal that’s just about to fall asleep and it’s lolling all over the place, and at the last minute its head will snap back to some semblance of alertness. These videos give me anxiety because I know that feeling all too well. You could probably be found selling your soul to be back in your own bed, buried under the covers and with no chance of interruption or annoyance until you’d had at least 12 hours solid sleep.

I have been playing Zelda for a couple of hours. I got a sword and now I’m freaked out by the monsters that keep sneaking up behind me. I loved being in the village for the prologue, doing a bit of fishing and calling eagles with those reeds. I know that was just to get people used to the game, but I really prefer the whole problem solving thing to this slash everything in sight kinda thing.

Also, I’ve been trying this afternoon to keep Tim awake. He had a nap from about 1:30PM – 3:15PM, but that was all I would let him have because now he’s gone to sleep at 8:30, it’s going to be a bit easier for him to get back into his normal biological rhythm of things.

Anyway, speaking of sleep (however indirectly), I’m almost there so I’m going to go hang out with Tim in dreamland.

Night everyone!

I’m pretty happy right now. You know one thing that could possibly improve on my happiness? If I had a pet rabbit in the same colours as Napoleon, and they kept each other company all day while I was at work, then when I got home they both greeted me at the door. That would be the epitome of awesomeness.

Here are some shiny things:

* Only four days until Tim gets back
* Pay day tomorrow
* Napoleon
* A rabbit the same colour scheme as Napoleon

I know that the last one is not something I actually have, but I just like imagining it.

This pay period I am not going to buy any clothings. I have far too many bills to pay! Maybe I will get a couple of pairs of tights (because it’s getting colder), but that’s it. My goal for this pay: to be good and stick to my budget! I’m pretty sure I can do it. It will be an interesting experiment. I think the main thing is to cook lunches for work, so that I’m not buying overpriced food that tastes like crap anyway. I did mean to do some sewing last weekend, but never got around to it. I won’t be doing it this weekend, that’s for sure. I wonder if I’ll get time during the week?

Hi Tim! I know you will have played at Glendalough by the time you read this. How was it? How is Ye Olde London Town? I always used to say “Ye” as in how it is spelled, until I read somewhere that in the olden days, Y was the symbol for “th” sound. Therefore, “Ye” is atually just “The”. I kind of liked “ye” better. It’s like how Conor used to speak on the net, “how ar’ ye!?” and it made me think of the sea captain from the Simpsons (arrr, ’tis a shame that).

I feel like going to the movies. Anyone wanna go see a movie? Or something? Or maybe I should use this extra time to do some sewing. I have a few things that need mending.

I had a dream about work night before last. Then last night, I had a dream about people from work, but not in a work situation. I dreamt that there was a bomb out in the ocean. It looked sort of like a box, with a computer keyboard attached. In order to stop the bomb, the “2″ key on the numerical keypad of the keyboard had to be pressed, only the devious person who set the bomb also removed the “2″ key.

We were all standing in a big area with lots of covered stalls, like a market, but every table had different types of keyboards on it. I found a “2″ key, and took it from the keyboard, but then realised that because it was an ergonomic keyboard, and the keyboard of the bomb was just a normal old beige one, it wouldn’t fit. Everyone then started searching for a suitable keyboard to steal the key from. I finally found one that was similar, and stole the “2″ key, and some other keys as well (I have no idea why). Someone came up to me and told me to put the keys into a basket so that we could keep them afloat and swim out to the bomb, so I put all keys except the “2″ key in there. I said that it would be safer if I just held it myself.

We then ran down to the dock, and were searching for a place to dive in where there weren’t any rocks. As I was running up and down the dock, I saw a dead body lying on the ground. It had slashes all over it’s body where blood oozed out. I said “I can’t dive in here. I’m going further up.” I found a spot without rocks and jumped into the water, careful not to go too deep in case there were rocks i couldn’t see, or I had misjudged the depth. When I was in the water, I realised that there were lots of people who had been slashed just like the dead body on the dock, and they were all Sudanese refugees, all floating in the water around me. I saw a boat just beside the dock where the refugees were going and a man there would slash patterns onto their chests and abdomens as they tried to get on the boat.

Then I woke up.

I thought I’d write that down to remember it. I have a bad memory, but for some reason if I write something down, I will be more likely to remember it.

This week has been a tough week, especially with Tim being away. Work was busy with end-of-month, plus now learning Payroll and Super. It’s good that it’s a long weekend, because I really need the rest. I need to do a spring clean of my room, and do some laundry, and move the boxes out of the spare room that I put there with all these good intentions of going through them to figure out what I had and what I needed for when I eventually move out. It sounded like a relaxing Sunday afternoon task, something that I wouldn’t need to think a lot about, but then I got distracted by something and so it never got done.

I’m really good at procrastinating. I have all these grand plans of rearranging my room, putting away in boxes downstairs all the things I no longer use, the books I know I won’t read, and untangling all the cords under the computer desk and beside my bed. I hope that this does happen, but already this morning I’ve procrastinated by deciding that right now is the best time for me to write a blog (it’s been hard to get in the mood to write lately. I go with the flow, baby!), and also that I have to make a cool “spring clean” playlist in WMP that i can listen to while I clean. I really do need a playlist, it’s easier to keep going with cleaning if I am listening to awesome music.

I think I’ll also pause during the clean to read old notes kept in my “things to remember!” shoebox, and by looking through the photographs from our trip overseas, maybe finish off putting them in their photo album just because I think, “If i was really cleaning up, then EVERYTHING should be in order and finished”. I mean, it’s not like I don’t have the time. These are things that are good to do to keep me occupied, because looking through photos of our overseas trip makes me feel happy (but also nostalgic). I also need to write up the conglomerate of my diary from the trip. I’ve been meaning to do that for ages, but its such a big job :S.

I also need to update the graphic memes on istoletheinternets, and create a decent design for the site. I’m not a graphic designer, which makes it difficult, but Nathan did make me a banner to put up which I might try to use the design from for the header. Or something.

It’s good having Tim as part of my life, even though I miss him terribly. He’s in Scotland at the moment, and sent me this photo of a view from a hill a few days ago. He’s going to visit Loch Ness. Last week, Japanese scientists explaced… placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland’s local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally. Lol. But seriously, Tim is such a generous, thoughtful, funny (either deliberately or accidentally) person. I hope he’s having an awesome time, but I can’t wait until he gets back.

Nathan is one of the smartest people I know. For real, and I work with a lot of doctors (though not the medical kind).

Also, if you haven’t yet read Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, I recommend you click on this link. So perhaps the copyright ran out?

Plus, I find these Cyanide and Happiness comics amusing. Check them out.

This evening marks the close to a relatively stressful week for me. Even though it was a short week, and even though it should have been a fun week because it was my birthday on Monday, the other side of Wednesday just seemed to go to shit. (eep!)

Tim left for his holiday today, three weeks in Ireland & Scotland. I got teary when I was speaking to him on the phone before he boarded, and then afterwards, felt embarrassed in retrospect by my own emotions. How very girly of me! I think that my emotions have been stuffed around somewhat by the horrible experience I had last week. I think that perhaps I’m feeling a bit unsafe, a bit co-dependent – not just on one person, but a whole lot of people, and a bit unsure of myself. I think it’s time for me to just start taking baby steps back towards what I perceive as normality in my own life. I miss my independence. I miss feeling safe. I want to take these things back from the person who made me feel afraid to just step outside on my own.

Here are some more blasphemous images. I don’t know why people would care – God told everyone not to make false idols, so what do Catholics do? Plaster them up all over their places of worship! lol!1

I’m sorry. I can tend to be a drama queen quite often. I’m terrible at hiding my feelings, mostly because I don’t try.

Lauren, Nathan, Noelle & I went to see Hot Fuzz tonight. It was funny. I’m in a strange mood. See if you can guess what it is! I’ve been exasperated, impatient, obscene… Every single one of my muscles is spontaneously twitching. I just want to go DO something! I’ve wrapped myself up in a cocoon, and finally emerged to a stultifying, tedious existence. I want to FEEL something, mostly something good. I want to feel appreciated, admired, important, wanted…

I want to go out and test myself. I want to challenge myself and other people. I want to learn something new, meet someone who opens my mind to new possibilities, someone who really sees me.

Does that person even exist? I’m willing to give anything a try right now. This mood feels effortless. It feels like lifting your face to the warmest rays of sun on a cold morning, or like one of those amazing flying dreams, where you’re soaring far above everything and it’s the best feeling you’ve ever experienced. I am me. I am not going to compromise this any more. Whatever happens from here on in, it’s because I chose for it to happen. Because I want it to happen.

Some things:

About Overseas…

I don’t care if I have to fly in a hot air balloon, because once you’re over there it doesn’t matter! You’re just like “ye olde englande towne!” and standing in front of that fountain near that big screen wherever that is, and going to oxford circus and piccadilly circus and they’re not actually circuses, just places. And going on the Tube, which is a really good transport system because it’s fast and the trains come like every 2 mins, and if a train is delayed they actually tell you, AND they tell you why. And you can go to Carnaby Street and see all the people going to Carnaby Street to be at Carnaby Street, then when you walk past some random driveway maybe a soldier in a red uniform will march out on a horse and a police officer will tell you and the rest of the people walking to “move aside please, move aside!” and then you might get to go to grenwich and when you walk up to the mean time thing on top of the hill maybe some asian guy will be standing with crumbs on him and squirrels all around and on him and you can take funny photos!

Austria….

When we were in Austria, in Innsbruck, we went to a little coffee & cake shop and ordered strudel and sacher torte. Our friend pronounced it “sasha” and the waitress and some random guy sitting next to us laughed at us. Then we started saying all the german we knew, and Lauren said “arschloch”. They were shocked that we knew a swear word! The coffee shop was nice and warm, and we stayed there for a couple of hours drinking hot chocolate. When we left, it was dark, and we could see the lights from chalets on the mountains twinkling above the town. It was beautiful. The mountains rose like a painted backdrop, straight up into the sky above the rooftops.

We went to find a net café, and tried to follow the directions that the lady at the tourist information centre had given us. We ended up not finding the net café, but finding instead an ice skating rink surrounded on all sides by quaint little shops, and lit with old lampposts that cast a warm yellow glow over everything. We watched the people skating for a while, and then headed back.

Other places…

I’d love to be in England, in Greenwich park, sitting on a blanket on the grass in the sunshine and watching the squirrels running around through the dappled light from the autumnal trees scattered over the grounds.

Or…

I’d love to be wandering around the streets of Rome, with smartcars zooming past blaring their horns, nearly crashing into anything and everything. The smell of grass and dirt is in the air because it’s just rained, but the sun has come out and I’m watching it envelop the ancient, crumbling statues and buildings in a dreamy, afternoon haze of pale orange and fuchsia.

Or…

I’d love to be in Paris, in the Jardins Tulieres, sitting on one of the green wrought-iron chairs randomly placed around the fountains, watching people stroll past enjoying a warm afternoon in the park, and listening to the language of Romance being spoken all around me.

I haven’t really felt like writing for the past couple of weeks. I guess I haven’t really had anything I needed to get off my chest or vent about. Not surprising considering that I wasn’t at work. These have been the most relaxing two weeks of my entire year, that I can remember anyway. Tomorrow marks my first day back at work. I’m trying not to think about it, which is pretty difficult for me because whenever I’m anxious or stressed about something, I tend to work my way through every possible scenario in my head to prepare myself for whatever could happen. It doesn’t work, so I stress myself out for nothing. I’m trying to not pre-empt and let things eventuate on their own, and just take things as they come. I’m not saying that I’m being very successful, but the point is that I’m making an effort. I think.

I thought I would sum up 2006 for me with the major events of my life.

1. Stepped on foreign soil for the very first time
In January of last year, Lauren and I flew to Heathrow via Brunei and Dubai from Brisbane. It was the most exhilarating, exciting, eye-opening and overwhelming experience of my life thus far. We visited 9 countries in 12 days via Contiki tour, and then added another one to our list by booking cheap flights through Ryanair (their planes were scary) and flying to Ireland. We also did a quick three-day visit to Berlin, and then toured some of the English countryside on our last couple of weeks in the UK.

2. Completely re-evaluated my life
It may not seem like it, but when I got back from our overseas trip, I felt as though I had changed fundamentally. I was no longer the same person that had left Australia six weeks earlier. I felt that I needed people to see me for who I was, as someone new, and treat me accordingly, or I would fall into the trap of acting the same as I had before and being the old me simply because that’s the way people were treating me. I went through a dark time of depression when I tried to reintegrate into my old life – settling back into the old routine of work, sleep, work, sleep, ad infinitum. I felt that I was wasting my life. I desperately wanted to be learning, to be at university or just somewhere else different entirely from my old life. I wanted to escape and keep travelling, either change the world or make a huge change in my own life.

Despite my current work situaion, I’m much happier now. I still feel unfulfilled, but I see it as a good thing because I know that there is more out there for me. I’m looking forward to learning and developing myself in other areas, and discovering which path I should be walking to get to where I want to go. I just know that the next job for me is just waiting for me to reach out and grab it.

3. Broke my arm
This was a huge thing for me. I seem to have quite a lot of injuries, but nothing that’s really obvious. Everything that I have is long term and I’ve learnt to deal with whatever effect it has on my life. In early June, I was playing around on Rosie’s new(ish) skateboard in the downstairs part of the house. The statistics of injuries involving skateboards or the title of this point should make it obvious what happened. I tried to tic-tac, and then ended up flying through the air and landing very hard on my arm, with it twisted around behind my back. It was broken in three places, as I found out later. Anyway, I eventually (about two hours later) got to the hospital, and a couple of weeks later I had to go back in for an operation to have my wrist re-set and so they could drill into my bone to screw bits of metal to it. The pain after the operation, when I was at home recovering, was so bad that I would just lie on a mattress in the lounge room writhing around and whimpering. After they took the recovery cast off, I had to wear a splint for eight weeks. My recovery was fairly speedy apparently, but my left wrist will never be as strong as my right wrist.

4. Dinna died
My beloved cat, Dinna, died on the 14th June 2006. This was also Rosie’s 18th birthday. Dinna had been sick for a while with bladder problems. This day, though, the vet discovered that he actually had a tumour on his spine which was causing all the other problems he was having. He took a sharp turn for the worse and mum called me at work to tell me that the vet recommended he be put down. He was given the injection while I was at work, and mum and Rosie picked me up at about lunch time with Dinna in the car with them, so that we could take him to Lauren & Nathan’s new house to bury him. Dinna was an important part of my life. I’d had him for four and a half years. He’d moved interstate four times since he was a kitten. He was a beautiful cat, loving and affectionate. R.I.P. DeeDee.

5. Another family reunion
Well, a reunion of sorts. I think pretty much everyone travelled to Townsville for Aunty Helen’s 50th birthday celebrations. It was great to spend time with all the cousins again, and to see Laura all grown up and FUNNY! And to see Luke and his fiancee Kate (they’re now married) and Francis and his girlfriend Bron (now engaged – getting married on the 24th March). It’s strange seeing people have changed so much while you’ve been too busy concentrating on living your own life. You don’t realise that other people are getting on with theirs until you meet up again… So I’ve grown up quite a bit, but so has everyone else. It was so good to see everyone, even Norm & Yvonne came up from Leeton for the weekend. I went home early because I got sick, which started the conspiracy theory that I always get sick at these big family events (this one was the hat trick).

6. Lauren and Nathan got engaged
I think everyone knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of time. Nathan proposed to Lauren on her 25th Birthday this year, on the 20th September, while they were having a special birthday meal at the Three Monkeys in West End. Lauren’s the first of the Brisbane children to get engaged, and she’ll be getting married in January 2008. She’s already acting like the wife, and PeePee is their son.

7. I got a new kitten
Napoleon kitten was born in August some time. I went to collect him from D’Aguila (yeah, where the HELL is that???) on 24th September. He’s a manx kitten, now just growing out of his awkward teenage phase and turning into a real cat (he’s growing into his arms and legs). He’s a bit bitey and scratchy (as anyone who has seen my hands and arms recently can attest), but I’m sure he’ll grow out of it, especially once he’s been … you know what’ed. He is the loudest purring cat ever in the history of the universe, and he has the best smell. Kudos to Christian for the image.

8. Made new friends

Christian and Neo are very special friends, I’m glad to have met them. I’ve learnt a lot about photography, domains, self-aggrandising entries on Wikipedia, fluffyness, fully-grown cats… not to mention Trailer Park Boys, Borat, Bruno, Snow Leopards, and Fawlty Towers. I’ve also been fortunate in meeting wonderful people through work – Calum has been a great source of fun, knowledge, inspiration, and help and reassurance, as has Benyamin. Chris (Chrisanova) is important to me also. I’m lucky to have so many special people in my life.

---

In summary, this year has been pretty turbulent. There have been periods of nothing much at all, and then periods of everything happening at once. I’ve changed significantly from the person I was at the start of last year, but in many ways I’m still the same. My style has changed, my circles of friends have changed (apart from a few mainstays). Fundamentally, I think I’m still the same. There are things I still aspire to do, and to be, and I hope that this year will see me reaching some of my goals. I’ve got an entire year to look forward to. I’m going to make the best of it!

Noe and I had a picnic today at Roma St Parklands. It was so beautiful. The wind was blowing a gale but the sun was so nice and warm. We sat on the grassy section just down from the cafe and watched things happen around us. There was a father and son and daughter playing frisbee, and the son kept throwing it near some other people who were sitting just a bit further away from them. We thought each time that the frisbee was going to hit the people, but it never did. We had a sleep in the sun and then headed back to civilisation.

The coloured train that snakes its way around the parkland on the pathways.

the sky

some ducks

One duck that I followed around near the fountains.

Dumb ibis. It understood Noelle’s threat when she picked up her shoe, and hurried off to annoy someone else. They always try to look so innocent, but they’re sneaky.

---

On the way home I found two new notes from the Bus Stop Man, this time on green paper. They said “thonk you Jesus” (there was no way the ‘o’ could have possibly been an ‘a’), and “Are you saved?”. There’s some evangelical kid wandering around leaving these notes like they’re on a mission from god, I’m sure of it. The writing is too young not to be. Or else it’s just a really immature adult.. Someone who doesn’t fully understand the workings of the world. Not that anyone actually does, but you know, less so than most other people who manage to function well in the universe.Even though I had a nap today, and slept in later than I meant to this morning, I am still tired because I stayed up so late last night. I didn’t want to go to bed because I was cleaning and organising, and I was really enjoying it. But today, when I was trying to find something, I sliced my finger on the blade that’s in my drawer, because I put it away there last night and I forgot that I’d done that. So my finger wouldn’t stop bleeding (it has now) and I couldn’t do anything with it. It doesn’t hurt too much… not at all really. I’m having trouble typing, but that’s only because of the bandaid. I hate bandaids, they’re so grotty. Even when you first put them on they’re gross.I had spoken to mum previously about how sore my back has been lately (moreso than usual) and I thought that she told me not to worry about it, so I haven’t really been worried, I’ve more been just putting up with the pain or doing things to make sure I don’t make it worse than it already is. But tonight I asked her again and she said, “I’ve already spoken to you about this, and I told you to go to the doctor about it.” So now I’m confused. Did I just make up that whole conversation where she told me not to worry about it, just to ease my mind? I can’t afford to go to the doctor, but also this cough is annoying me too. So I could kill two birds with one stone by going this week. And maybe I could even kill three birds with one stone – if I can afford to get my second hepatitis immunisation that would be good also, because I’m supposed to have it a month after the first and I had the first on the 26 April. I also have to get tetanus, polio & MMR vaccines because we have no booster records for me. The only medical records I have from when I was younger are my x-rays. I have x-rays coming out of my ears, but none of that is of any use to me.

Noelle said that if drastic action isn’t taken, we’re going to run out of water by 2008. Dams are already at less than 5 percent capacity. That seems crazy. The dried out, barren look of everything makes me feel a little forlorn.

---

Something from overseas…

Me in a black cab in London on Australia Day 2006. I was pretty drunk, and psyched to be there, but slightly surprised when Lauren confronted me with the camera and reacted by retreating into my coat 6_6. It was an awesome night. We went to a walkabout and everyone was wearing straw fosters hats and thongs. We didn’t look very Australian compared to the locals

This Grates album is awesome. And I’m not just saying that to be super-supportive because we are friends with them. It really is a good album. So I don’t want anyone thinking that I like their music just because we’re friends, I like their music on its own merits. Because it’s good. I was so excited that they played 19 20 20 at 299 last night! That was so much fun.

Songs that were good to dance to:

* 192020 – The Grates (Grrr grr!)
* Blister in the sun – Violent Femmes

I have a hazy memory of last night. I just remembered that they often played lots of emo music that wasn’t that good to dance to. And the songs kind of merged together because they all sounded the same.

Stupid emo music. When we got home, rage was on and Dresden Dolls were the guest progammers, so there was even more emo music (Panic! At the disco was a dubious highlight.. as was The Used… Listen kids, can you hear that? It’s the worlds tiniest violin playing the worlds saddest song just for you!)

I wanna go back there! It was so much fun! Me & Noelle may go there this Saturday because I’m having a sleepover at her place since mum’s having a party that night and I already decided I’d rather not be here for it. So I’ll stay over at Noe’s place. Then the next week after that, I have like.. six days off in a row woot! I’ll be in Townsville then. I really want to go out to Broadwater, but I don’t think there is any way of getting out there. Noelle will know more about it. It seems a shame not to go out there when I’ve already gone all the way to Townsville and it’s like three days drive. Or an hour & a half by plane. It will be Rosie’s very first plane trip. I wonder if she’ll be scared? I can’t remember being scared the very first time I went on an aeroplane. Lauren and I were going by ourselves, and we had to wear tags that said “unaccompanied minor” or UM for short. Dad wanted to write “D” in front of the UM. lol nice. But yeah, it was all a bit of a novelty, and not frightening really. But the first time i went on a plane in about four years was this year, and I was sort of apprehensive about it. I’m not sure why. I kept opening and closing the blinds on the window until Lauren got irritated and told me to stop. Anyway. looks like it might rain today, which is always good. I hope it does.

It’s always dangerous when relatives come over and play with the fridge magnets.

House is nice when it’s clean.

The guy wearing a dress at the RSL. I took a sneaky photo of him and then ran from the club cackling maniacally.

I must remember not to turn my computer on when I am trying to get ready for work. The pro of having a clock constantly there with the time (otherwise I have to keep checking my phone) is far outweighed by the con – being that I cannot just leave the computer to sit there, I think I have time to surf… “maybe just while I’m drying my hair…” which turns into half an hour and that’s half my time gone. Then I know I’ll never be ready for the first bus, so I think I’ll just catch the next bus, then that bus becomes the next one and so on, until I have no hope of getting to work on time. Maybe I’m exaggerating just a little. But it’s harder to make up the time when I get to work late, because my entire day is planned around me getting to work early and finishing early.

I met up with Noelle in the city today after I finished work at 1pm. We were supposed to be watching the St. Paddy’s day parade (which, for some reason, isn’t on St. Pat’s day but is on the week before) but it turned out that it finished at 12pm, so I was never going to be out in time for that anyway. We ran errands – which means we went shopping. I managed not to buy anything today – shock-horror! Ooops apart from groceries that is. We were trying to find some shoes for Noelle, but had no luck. Nothing that inspiring around. We picked up her photos though, and had a look through them while waiting for the bus.

There were so many emos crowding around near speakers corner in King George Square today. Some of them had letters on their shirts, and they started lining up so the words were spelling something. Noelle was shocked. “Those emos are organised emos!” She said. Luckily she had her camera, and was wearing emo clothes, so she went up and took a photo. Bold move! She got death stared by an emo for laughing at something one of them said. Also in King George Square, further down near the crossing to the mall, there were some evangelists with a recording playing from a boom box. We pondered over their definition of adultery for a minute, and pretended to look interested. I wanted one of them to come over to us and offer us one of their little pamphlets, then I could say, “hey, buddy, you’re preaching to the choir.” And it would be funny because he was preaching, even if I’m not in the choir. But I don’t like the evangelists. It’s like they’re trying to shove something down your throat, and I don’t think it’s worthwhile unless you come to the conclusion yourself that this is the road you need to be following. It’s not about someone telling you the right way to go – you’ve got to figure that out for yourself or you’ll never understand it from your own point of view. I said “JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED!” Which seems to be my catch cry at the moment, and Noelle said “Maybe they want to be judged, because they think they’re perfect, so that’s why they’re judging other people.” Which I hadn’t thought about before, but now it makes sense. Self-righteous sanctimonious ecclesiastical sycophants. Who’s judging who now? WHO’S PERFECT NOW?

Anyway, today was fun. Once I finished work that is. Work was boring boring boring. So boring you can’t even imagine. I was looking at my future holiday accrual balances, and I’m not sure if I should take extra days off after my holiday. I will need to book it in now, to make sure no one else takes the dates that I want to take! Melinda and I can’t be off at the same time, as there needs to be a mentor there. But what if we were both sick on the same day? They should be prepared for instances such as that. But apparently there shouldn’t be any jet-lag when I go to China because China is only two hours behind us, and the flight isn’t that long. I’m not having any of the food on the plane. I can hold out until I get to Shanghai. The plane food on the way home from London made me so sick, just thinking about it makes me feel slightly queasy. Yuck.

I’m up late again! But at least I can sleep in tomorrow YAY. Sleeeep. I love sleep.

So. Last night, instead of going to sleep, I wrote a whole stream of consciousness down on paper, and it makes no sense whatsoever. But this is what’s in my head.

Happiness is a bell ringing
At the back of your throat
And when you open your mouth
Shiny sounds tumble out!

Those who told you
“Life is lived through sunshine alone!”
Will stay silent when night falls
And they don’t know how to live!

I watched them all gather in a corner
Pronouncing us a lost cause
And, with a sigh, moving on.
Next order of business! …
Killing time!
Minute taker, take an hour
I’ve got no use for all this time
The day’s stretched out before me
Like a blank page
And me without a pen!

I followed the path but it
turned out to be a furrow in
a field of angry red flowers,
where I am standing, dismayed
and disenchanted.

I followed a path of angry followers on
an angry mission to rid the world
of amibvalence
Anything to feel something!

There was smoke curling in tendrils
From the corners of your mouth
You were on fire and I was
on the edge of my seat
But you are all burnt out and black inside.

That’s how I began.

Wait for the green to start over again, and
it will grow. It won’t become what you want it to be,
but I was much more impresed by the ending anyway.
Tell me again.

I’m so tired, and feeling sick.

I drank too much tea today, and I feel like I start moving through strobe lights, staggered movements but really fast. Like stop-start-stop-start… except on fast forward. I’m so tired because I’ve been doing overtime for two whole weeks now, which is exhausting when I don’t get to bed until 11pm and wake up at 5am. I had to come home early yesterday and go to bed early, so I only did an hour extra. Almost not worth it. I’ve still got a cabcharge voucher because I forgot it the first night, caught the train, and it took me 40 minutes to walk home in the dark. It’s a nice walk though, so I don’t mind. Even in the dark it’s nice.

I got so tired day before yesterday at work that I made stupid mistakes and strongly berated myself for them. I burst into tears at one point because I was frustrated with how stupid I was. This was a combination of tiredness and thinking other stupid things (not work stupid things, but home stupid) that I had done which have been like constant storm clouds above my head, and I’m just waiting for the deluge. Kirra said I’m way too harsh on myself, that I should give myself a break, but I don’t think I deserve one. If I do something stupid, I have to acknowledge it because otherwise I can’t learn from it, and remember not to do that again. But I never learn. So what’s the point?

I get so frustrated with myself, because I can see where I go wrong, I can see it. I made a stupid, stupid, obvious mistake. It wasn’t a big mistake, just a little one that didn’t matter, but that makes it worse I think. How could I do that? How could I not see? Ugh. I’m such an idiot. I hate TV. It’s so loud and dominates whatever room it’s in. That’s fine if all you want to do is watch TV, but what if all you want to do is read? or write? or talk to someone? TV is selfish. I’m selfish so I guess I can’t really talk. Judge not lest ye be judged. Why have I been so judgmental?

Finally they had blue dye in stock, but now they have no black. If I had a store which sold things like that I’d make sure they were constantly there, and if they weren’t there, I’d put a little sign up which said, “sorry! This product is out of stock. We should have some more available ______” and i’d also let people put products on hold so they could get one as soon as they came in. It’s a guaranteed sale, people! I think it would be better if they put a sign up saying when they expected more to come in, because then I wouldn’t have to go searching all over the city or check back in every day and I could just come back to that shop the date it was supposed to come back in. I suppose that’s not a guarantee that it would be there, but it’s better than having no idea at all.

We saw the cutest boy in the city today. He had a long black coat on, not a trenchie (yuck), but sgt pepper style almost, and a jaunty little hat. He looked awesome. Some interesting news from my lunchtime boredom: Kim Jong-Il of North Korea has allowed the release of a love song – shock horror! And England has banned our “where the bloody hell are you?” tourism campaign ads – big surprise. Someone had to. Penny said they were just being precious, but that’s their prerogative. If our tourism industry wants to make ridiculous adverts, then they have every right to refuse them.

One of the spokespeople for the ads said something along the lines of “you can’t buy this publicity!” Like it was a really good thing. Everybody’s going to think we’re gutter-mouthed bimbos. The boys don’t get too bad a rap, but it’s as though women’s suffrage never happened. Everyone’s so misogynistic. I feel sad.

I want to see an ad broadcast internationally that features the following all-Australian themes: Emos sulking in black skinny-legs and red paintings or MCR shirts; the Cronulla racial riots (to add some excitement); Macquarie Fields (just cause); Street Hawkers closing in for the kill; 15 year-old mothers-to-be getting high on the Baby Bonus… I can’t think straight right now. I’m sure there are a million other Aussie clichés that could be used and would create a far more accurate portrayal of modern Australian life.

Anyway, today I felt much better after getting a decent nights sleep. And I was ready in time to catch the early bus, and for some reason my access card worked straight away when usually I have to wait until 6:30am… I’ll have to catch the train tomorrow because our bus doesn’t run that early on Saturdays. I can’t wait until this overtime is OVER. I can’t afford not to take it while it’s on offer, but it’s just so exhausting. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I went to bed at a reasonable hour, but I just can’t seem to. I go to bed and just lay there, awake, waiting to sleep, even though I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open. I never used to have trouble sleeping. I’ve got too many things running through my mind.

Kirra said that I bite so easily when people are stirring me up. I’m easily stirred up. It’s not that I take things seriously, because I know that people are just joking. It’s not like I go and sulk in a corner when people joke with me, though apparently I did sound really serious when I said “shut up!” to Nathan K, but that was only because he stood there for ages making chicken noises at me. He said “I thought you were braver than that.” And I said, “No, I’m really not.” though it’s not really fair because I didn’t have a choice It wasn’t like I could take the vote and use that as justification for sending the email.

Agh I’m falling asleep. That’s a sign to me that what I’m writing is boring. BORING! I have that sound in my head, of someone saying BORING but I’m not sure where it comes from. I think it’s just me.

I paid my deposit on my trip today. How exciting! That’s what I think of whenever I feel down. GREY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! Why do people say to me “SMILE!” when I am feeling sad? Why should I smile? That’s like lying. It’s a lie.

I like that “All these things that I’ve done” song by the Killers. I don’t know why. I like the words, though when you put them together they don’t seem to mean all that much.

I want to turn back time and have gone to sleep hours ago, not still be sitting here awake not being able to go to bed because I still want to keep listening to Modest Mouse which I haven’t listened to in ages, but how to start work early tomorrow? And how to cope with everything? And how to continue?

Sleeeeeeep sounds good right now.