I went to work for a couple of hours this morning. I ended up leaving early because the aircon never went on. Because, you know, if the aircon is on, you can sort of ignore the fact that what you’re breathing is stale and processed (like the rest of modern life!), and the fact that there are no windows, and maybe that prevents claustrophobia I guess. I wouldn’t know because I don’t have claustrophobia. But I sort of got an idea of what it might be like, because today I wasn’t really in the mood to be putting up with anything. So when the aircon didn’t go on, I got hot and bothered and felt like I was breathing in the air I had just breathed out, and it was so stuffy and hard to concentrate, and annoying. So I left.
The minute I got outside I felt a million times better. The air still had a quiet coolness to it, not entirely dissipated from night-time by the sun. There are more days like this in winter than in summer, and I guess that’s why I like winter better. It’s cool and quiet. And there are days when the quiet takes over everything, and even though the volume level of everything else hasn’t decreased, you somehow don’t notice the noise of the traffic and the city so much. I don’t know if anyone else even understands what I’m talking about. Well, some days are just calm and quiet. I like it best when the air is cool.
I went to Roma parklands and walked around for a couple of hours, through the garden and the rainforest, and it was quiet and cool there as well. I read under a tree for a while and then walked back into the city. I was a bit out of it today, and I walked out onto the road in front of a car, which woke me up a bit because it beeped and I looked over and there was a car a few centimetres away from me. I felt really bad about it, because usually I don’t like to cross unless the little man is green, and today I just didn’t think at all and stepped out onto the road. I could have been killed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Anyway, because I felt so guilty I thought “maybe I could go to the cop shop and tell them I just jaywalked and they can give me a ticket and I’ll feel better because I should get into trouble from someone other than myself for being so stupid.”. ButI didn’t, because it was just a stupid thought and was just me being dumb again in my own head. I have a lot of stupid thoughts.
I also thought to myself “If there’s a movie on when I get into the mall, I should go and see a movie. By myself.” Because i had only one cinema voucher left, and therefore if i went with someone else one of us would have to pay full price and that wouldn’t really be fair, and I’ve never been to the movies by myself before, and I always thought I could never go to the movies alone. I don’t know why. So I went to the movies, then caught the bus home. And when I got home, Ro was still being bitchy to me, and I cried, and it upsets me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
We have Penny’s jewellery party tomorrow. I just made a map on whereis, now all i need is a printer. I really should buy one. There’s no reason I should have a laminator and not a printer. That’s just odd.
Also, I want to buy a bike. There’s a bike shop up the street, but I’m not sure when I could go there. And that’s too much to ask for a birthday present. So I don’t know what to ask for. Maybe a helmet.
I should go to bed. I’m compiling a list of things that are worrying:
1. I’m tired all the time.
2. I’m sad all the time.
3. I have no patience for anything
4. all the muscles in my arms ache
5. I can’t cope with things very well
7. I’m not interested in anything
8. I’m bored every single minute of the day
9. I have a sore throat
10. I have no energy (that’s not the same thing as being tired)
11. I can’t sleep
12. When I’m not sad I’m disproportionately happy
13. I have no motivation for anything.
Well. It’s getting there.
Lauren found out last week that she has Lupus. I really should stop complaining. There’s nothing wrong with me. Or if there is, it’s just 21st century disease which is just something made-up by people who are too weak to cope with modern day life. I think I would have done well back in the 1300s when the plague was around. Now that was fascinating. I have to italicise that because I find it interesting, which is a pretty big thing for me at the moment. But yeah, I would have liked to do things from scratch… I like knowing the origin of things, working through from the very start and seeing how things begin. Everything’s too complicated now to be able to do that. To know the origin of.. a computer… you’d have to look at all the individual components. And.. ah well I just can’t really get my head around it right now. Or … a car. that’s pretty complicated too. At least with a horse and cart it’s a pretty simple premise. I suppose that makes me simple.
Lupus: A systemic disease that results from an autoimmune mechanism. Individuals with lupus will produce antibodies to their own body tissues. The resultant inflammation can cause kidney damage, arthritis, pericarditis and vasculitis.
So that’s why Lauren hates sternums, because her sternum always hurts because the connective tissue has been inflamed from her own antibodies attacking it. Nathan hates eyes because when he was in school there was a boy who used to tap his eye with a pencil, and it made him feel like vomiting. So did that episode of the simpsons where Homer gets laser eye surgery with a coupon, and then because he doesn’t buy the eye drops for afterwards his eyes crust over. So Nathan is really happy that the optomotrist said that he can never wear contact lenses because of litte bumps on the inside of his eyelids that are caused by allergies or asthma or something, so he’s got buddy holly glasses that are cool.
Alright. I’m going to go to sleep.
It’s true what Wolf Parade said… “look at the clouds, it’s a show all on it’s own”. Because this morning when I woke up, the sky was completely clear. Then, this afternoon on the bus home, there were the most beautiful clouds scattered everywhere, clouds you’d expect to see in a rennaissance painting. White, with brilliant contrast and detail, just perfect clouds against the bluest sky. Then later on this afternoon, they turned grey and flat and swept across the sky, and maybe it rained too but I don’t know because I wasn’t really paying attention.
Anyway, night.
. Myers was pretty disappointing, I like the city store much more than the one at Carindale. For some reason it’s so much easier to find things at the city store. Everything’s easier to find in the city… I think it’s because I’m in there so often (is every day often?) and usually go to the same stores.
