I am going to a lot of different places this year. I think it’s the year of travel for me. For the Chinese, it’s the year of the rat. I was in the Valley on Friday night (last night) and watched the dragon dancing around the tables at one of the Chinese restaurants, and listened to the banging of the gong. I also became mesmerised by the fish in the fish pond fountain in the Chinatown mall. I’m not sure if it’s usually there, but last night there was mist coming out from the top part of the fountain where the uplights are. Also, the water in the bottom part of the fountain, where the fish swim around, looked a bit more cloudy than usual, and there were more coins in there too. I felt sorry for the fish.

Anyway, here is the first of my travels:

Not actually the whole of Western Australia, just Perth. The trip over involves a red-eye flight several hours long. I feel like this should mean that people on the Western Coast would be different that the people of the East Coast of Australia, but I guess that we all started out from similar beginnings, and our beginnings weren’t that long ago.

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The next place that I’ll be going is the USA & Canada with Timtim:

Tim and I are traveling to San Francisco in May this year. It’s exciting because I’ve never been to America before, and this will be my first experience of traveling with Tim. I think we’ll be fine. Tim got the tickets using his frequent flyer miles, which is awesome, because he could have used his miles to get ONE business class return to San Francisco, but instead he got TWO economy return to San Francisco. We’re also going to Canada:

One leg of the trip will be by train, and one will be by plane. Apparently the train trip from San Francisco up to Vancouver is beautiful. I’m looking forward to it. I think we will get a sleeper cabin. Tim was also saying we could spend a couple of days in Seattle, which’ll be good, too. I checked online at the average temperatures for that time of year. The maximum is 17.5 degrees Celsius, which suits me so perfectly you can’t even imagine. I wouldn’t mind it being even cooler than that. Check out the picture of Canada – there are polar bears on there! I swear that means they exist there in real life. I love them. And the elk (if that’s what they are). Yay! It’s going to be amazing.

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And finally, toward the end of the year, Noelle and I are traveling to Europe and the UK. I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am about revisiting Europe, especially when you consider all the people over there I will get to meet up with: Anna, Ben, Simone&Dave, Ruth… I am so psyched! We’re planning on spending time in London (& surrounds), Amsterdam (yay Anna!), Paris (I forgot to remind Noelle about this one :S), Denmark (yay legoland! and the little mermaid!), somewhere in Ireland (maybe Galway?)… and wherever else we have time to go. I’d love to visit Prague, but time constraints may make that difficult. Also the financial aspect… 

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That’s it on the travel front. In other news, I have started my new job (the end of this week marked two weeks there). I’m exhausted, but appreciate the plus side. I guess you could say the end justifies the means. I got a new pair of boots today at DFO without worrying that they would break the bank. The fact that they were only $20 should illustrate my point. It felt so good to have my own money. I won’t be able to be this laissez-faire about my pay every week, but for this week it’s pretty nice. I’m going to start my hardcore savings as of next Thursday. Tim has been extremely helpful with this, and I’m glad that my working has been able to take some stress off him as well. I’m infinitely grateful to him for looking after me this entire time. Although it may seem strange, I feel like there is a good side to this entire experience, and that is to be able to know, without doubt or hesitation, that Tim’s love comes without condition. This is an amazing gift. Tim and Matt are currently playing Guitar Hero III, and bemoaning the insensitivity of the red button on our guitar. We had a nice dinner, a yummy dessert, and there is a Po here for entertainment. Life is pretty good.

I am lucky.

Luck is not measured by that which others believe we should be thankful for, but rather the things that make us feel fulfilled. The things in our life which bring contentment. Sometimes they can be that which you would expect someone to feel fortunate for having – a roof over their head, food in their stomach, money in the bank. Sometimes it’s smaller things, such as getting a new video game you’ve been waiting weeks for, or coming home to find someone has cooked you your favourite meal for dinner.

I don’t think of luck as in singular moments – “I got lucky on the pokies!”, but rather a series of events and states of existence that lead you to feel life is not always a difficult, up-hill climb.

Some things that I feel lucky for:

* Living in a place where we can paint the walls if we want to, or put in picture hooks, or rip out the spiky plants in the garden, because we own it!

* Being in love with someone who is in love with me

* Tim’s family – his quiet, thoughtful father; his caring, protective mother; his vibrant, beautiful sister; his funny, skilful brother; their gorgeous, aloof, fluffy cat.

* Having a positive outcome from my spinal surgery

* Having an awesome, weird & wonderful family

* Owning a Napoleon cat, and before him, my wonderful Dinnacat. RIP, Dinna.

* Having a place to go home to in Yamba, our family home, with my amazing mother now living there and enjoying the peace and tranquillity

* Having tickets to San Francisco next May (woohoo!)

* Being able to watch and be part of the process of my beautiful older sister getting married to the love of her life

* Having a seriously cool brother-in-law

* Seeing Rosie making her way in the world (I’m very proud!)

* Having dreams of study, and people who believe in me

* Having Chris as a friend, someone who has known me since I was about 5 years old, and therefore understands a lot about the way I think and feel! I’m so happy for Chris that he has found a Doon, and that they are happy

I have so many other things I could write, but for now I will bask in the warm glow cast by all these thoughts.

Life wasn’t always this good, but it’s worth the pain in the end.

I was StumbleUpon-ing this morning, and Stumbled upon this gem of a website – Angel Eyes, Devil Smile (the name alone should set off little alarm bells – “Warning! Pretentious Idiot Alert! Warning!”). For some reason the idiocy of this post got to me. I think I’ve had it with guys trying to understand how to manipulate women into hooking up with them. You shouldn’t need to do anything other than be yourself, and be confident that this is okay! There’s no “secret”, either there’s an attraction or there isn’t. Either something starts, or it doesn’t. The sheer number of guys who don’t get this is amazing. Most guys seem to make an effort not to let you see their true personality. They hide behind dodgy pick-up lines and cliches, and advice from other guys that is apparently “tried and true”. FFS. But maybe I’m being too hard on him? Maybe my own personal prejudices have created a bias in my perception… Anyway, I’ll let you be the judge.

My response (I didn’t expect this comment to be approved for posting on the website. Hehe.) Firstly, it’s “sleight of hand”. This is one of many mistakes that you’ve made in spelling / grammar in this post. If you want people to take you seriously, to listen to this “advice”, then at least make an effort not to sound like a complete idiot!

Secondly, what makes you think that belittling a woman is going to increase her respect for you? (”Wow, I expected a little better from you”) If it does, don’t you wonder about the type of person she is? Also, why do you already have expectations of someone you’ve just met?

This is one of the most superficial, immature posts I’ve ever read in the field of relationships. “I thought you would do better than that… maybe I was wrong (with a sly smile)” Wow… you’re so suave and debonair. I’m here wondering who could be bothered continuing a conversation with you after you’ve drooled out one incoherent mis-pronounced sentence.

A few pointers:

A “pimp” is not known for lies and trickery to land a woman, a “pimp” is an agent for a street-walking prostitute. I think the term you’re looking for here is “asshole”.

“And guess what,” = actually, that’s a question, and the comma here should be replaced with a question mark.

“subconsciencely” = subconsciously, maybe?

“I advice you” = You “advice” me? I ADVISE you to use proper grammar and punctuation!

“Why, you may ask…” Again, a comma in place of a question mark. And actually, this would be better as: “Why?” You may ask…

“Seems strange right.” What? is this a question or a statement? what’s your beef with question marks? What did they ever do to you to deserve you ignoring them?

“If you have a reputation for brutal honesty… you gain instant respect.” = How about just regular honesty? It does the same job, and is less likely to offend people. I don’t believe that respect is gained through acting as though your “truth” just has to be heard. Respect gains respect. Why don’t you try having respect for women, instead of brutally honesty-ing them into submission?

“Brutal honesty DOES NOT mean that you have to be an asshole, though!” = But every one of the examples you’ve given make you look like a pretentious, self-important wanker! I’m confused.

“repoire” = Did you mean rapport?

“when I feel like people are trying to “game” me” = What, like how you’re trying to “game” women?

The ignorance, self-indulgent, sexist crap in this article is simply breathtaking.

Although this is going to possibly be the laziest post ever (being that I didn’t actually write the content), it could also be the most intelligent and well-informed body of text to ever appear on this website. Unless Neil tells me more stories, in which case, get ready for more fun and existential crises! (I had an existential crisis yesterday walking home from the train. Then I felt happy for no reason, and it was good enough for me to be able to learn these things, deal with them, and just get on with life and be myself and exist.) I like existing.

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Me: Something I don’t understand, and which you may be able to explain(…)– murdering is a sin, right? One of the big ones… however, in the Bible, God killed thousands and thousands of people, whereas Satan only killed maybe 10 or so. How does the concept of good vs. evil explain away that little oddity?

Neil: See it all depends on who is making the good vs evil claim. See GWB – he reckons the Iranians are “evil” and that “god” (as in the American notion of god) is about to return. 120 million Americans believe in the apocalypse (GWB is one of them). The book of revelation says that the “lakes will boil dry and fire will reign from the sky). Then “god” will turn up and save the believers. Ironically, those people who believe in this actually want climate change to continue because they see it as the first sign that the apocalypse is nigh!….

However, 7000 miles away in sunny Tehran, you’ve got a wee boy called Mahmud Ahmadinejad. He’s the president of Iran and GWB’s no 1 enemy. Iran is a theocratic state who believe in sharia law. They believe in their own version of the apocalypse. They also believe that America is the “great satan”. They believe that the 13th prophet – the hidden ummah – is destined to make a return soon (note they are also building a nuclear programme..not without coincidence – fire from the sky and all that!) and their enemies (no 1 is the US) will be defeated and the Iranian people will be triumphant.

All of this is fact, check it out on the web. Bush believes his god will help America prevail over the evil Iranians and Mahmud believes his ummah will help his boys prevail over the nasty US. So “good vs evil” statements are dependant on which side of the fence you are on.

Another US/Iran tension that has helped stoked the flames. Oil. The price of oil is indexed to US$. The Iranians (3rd? Largest oilfields in the world – Iraq is No 2 surprise, surprise) know this and threatened two-three years ago to switch the sale of their oil to Euros. Needless to say, the US was enraged. That switch has a destabilising effect on the US$ and the yanks know it. I think the Iranians switched to EU’s in March. Needless to say, the EU love it as it helps stabilise the Euro. And just to make it intriguing, the US – whose national debt is owned by????? The chinese !! – have been told in no uncertain terms by the chinese that an attack on Iran will force them to dump US debt which would destroy the States economically. Very smart those Chinese guys. In effect, they own the US through debt.

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About GWB (Everything below taken from emails from Neil, with permission.)

Do you know that his “good ol texan drawl” is deliberate?. It makes him appeal to the uneducated/lesser well educated masses of which there are plenty in the States. Consider the following picture.

Society is a hierarchy, yes?. The top triangle represents the elite, middle the middle classes/affluent etc and the bottom everyone else (lower classes/poor). If you wanted to win an election, which demographic do you need to pander to the most?. You certainly would like the elite because they have the finance and the clout and you need that to become president. More on the elite later. As you can see from the area under what I have called lower/poor, that represents the biggest area and one that is absolutely essential to win in order to get elected.

The best way to get the vote of the unquestioning, uneducated is through a campaign of fear. Nazi Germany went one better in convincing every tier of society that the Jews were the devil and need eliminated. I have an excellent book on this subject if you require further info. The best way to garner public support from the lower echelons of society is to galvanise them through fear so that they blame their ills on an ill-defined bogeyman. This trick has been played throughout time and it is a con. This is what is currently happening in the States. People who were dumbfounded when Bush got re-elected in 2004 have no reason to be. I saw the demographic figures for who voted where and GWB managed to convince exactly those people at the bottom of the pyramid to vote for him. He was never going to win a fight with the intelligentsia so he didn’t even pander to them – they typically vote democrat anyway. As for the bottom tier, they have been conned by the biggest Orwellian trick of all. Do you know that 40% of American’s don’t have a passport and have never even left their state, never mind their country. How can they possibly make informed decisions?

As for the elite. Dick Cheyney used to be the CEO of…..any guesses….Halliburton. Guess who now has just about every contract for the rebuilding of Iraq? – Got it in one. GWB used to be an oilman – well looks like US oil companies will do very well in terms of reaping the benefits of Iraqi oil. And the bigs arms companies in the US – some of which I have worked for – have done very very very well. War is good for business. I have seen presentations given where people stand up and make no bones that the Iraq war has been great for them and long may it continue. I tell people that GWB has done a brilliant job as president and if you hear me out, you may just accept I have a point. He has done an excellent job of paying back the elite who backed him – The Halliburtons, the oil companies etc. While he may go on record as saying “we can’t rely on the middle east for oil”, he is not being sincere. Look what has happened to oil prices as a result of the war – rocketed up to unprecedented highs. Well his friends in the oil industry are not unhappy about that, are they?. Bush knows that he won’t have to tackle the diminishing oil problem – someone else will get that problem once he’s out of office. But he has paid back those who backed him – and handsomely.

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So that leads me to my existential crisis. If I keep thinking about everything I might just go crazy. There are things that are wrong in the world, but I’m not cut out to be an activist – unless I am 100% sure of something, believe in it 100%, I find it difficult not to be swayed by those who have a different perspective, and offer a reasonable argument and back it up with facts. Still, even then I will do my own research. If something catches my attention and interest, then it’s worth my time to investigate further.

How do we decide what’s good or bad? Is there any other way to categorise things than by comparing it to something else and seeing if it matches up? Good is only good because bad exists. We only know happiness from experiencing sadness, or ambivalence, so that we have something to compare the feeling to. I don’t think that the Garden of Eden would be paradise… not feeling pain or sadness might be a positive, until you look at the flipside of not knowing joy, and happiness.

An example – after Christian and I broke up, I was devastated. I was so down, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling happy again. Everything was difficult. It was hard just getting through a day of work, or being at home by myself. After I started to come back out of the grief, as my mood slowly elevated and the sun started shining again, the feeling of well-being was so strong that I literally felt like someone had injected me with a happiness drug. I couldn’t think of any reason that I should be happy. But it was there. It was one of the best feelings ever – like one of those flying dreams where you soar above everything, only I was awake (and obviously not literally flying). So anyway, I think that the acceptance that follows grief, when you’ve come to terms with a situation, and can feel good about life again, is one of the most amazing feelings. And if you hadn’t felt the sadness, how could you appreciate the good, when it eventually came along?

Reading over everything, things I didn’t know about the world and the way things work, the way people bask in their own ignorance and prefer it to stay that way, there’s no reason that in the aftermath of this awareness I should be happy at all. How can you feel happy when you are one step closer to the truth about the state of the world, and it sucks? So the pessimists were right? Why should optimism exist at all? Maybe optimism is just another word for naivete.

That said, I’m more aware of some things, come to terms with others, and I’m not angry at anyone. I still feel happy. I still like being alive. There’s nothing more perfect than just being.

I am such a geek.

I’ve been reading up on the “Boiling Frog” analogy. I first came across this in high school, when the book “The Gathering” by Isobelle Carmody was part of the year 9 curriculum. I can’t remember what they’re trying to explain with the analogy. Recently I remembered it in an odd, slightly nostalgic moment, and decided to do some research because I thought there could be an interesting story behind it, and a possible debunking. So, I have found that it is a very common analogy, only recently debunked by experiments, but the argument goes that these most recent experiments heat the water at a much faster rate than that of the original experiments.

But anyway, it made me wonder at the common usage of this analogy. You could end up disproving your own point by using it. Am I making any sense whatsoever? My brain isn’t calibrated for this kind of information downloading. Well, not at the moment anyway. Come back in a couple of days and I might be more coherent. I guess what I mean is that if you use an analogy based on a scientific theory, and that is later contested or disproven, then wouldn’t the gravity of your original point be undermined somewhat? Instead of meaning “Be careful of complacency, small changes over a long period of time can have more disastrous effects than you might initially be able to comprehend”, it might become, “I don’t do my own research, can you tell?”. I still haven’t really conveyed what I had in mind. Chk chk chk.

Zomg did anyone else see the multitudes of people on platform 5 & 6 at Central Station this afternoon? Looks like Queensland Rail are improving their service! They had announcements going over the loudspeaker saying “Due to overcrowding please remain on the concourse”. This would mean nothing to me if I were one of those people being overcrowding. I’d be all, “Concourse? what concourse? do we use that word here?” I wonder what was going on. I’m surprised people didn’t look more fed up than they did. And then the 5:36 Elimbah express arrived early, at 5:26, and then they updated the time of departure to 5:28. So what about all those people who live at Elimbah (God forbid – where even is that?) which must be a fair way out because it’s an express train, who were counting on the train leaving at 5:36 because it ties in with their start and finish times, are going to miss their train because it went eight minutes early! I’d be pretty ticked off if it happened to me, and I only get off at Wilston!

But speaking of afternoon trains, how did nighttime start at 5pm all of a sudden? It’s not nice walking home in the dark! I’ll be glad when it’s colder and I get to feel cold and wear warm clothes. It was so humid today.

I want to know everything there is to know in the world. Actually, it’s mainly just the useless things I want to know. I really wanted to learn Latin so when Noelle and I sing Sub Tuum on a drunken walk from the Valley to the City, I actually know what I’m saying. This is why I ask so many questions. It’s not just a generation-y thing. Why why why? I want to know why about everything. I find almost everything fascinating. But I know I have to curb this habit of asking questions, some people don’t like it. It can be considered impolite to question people, especially those older than you. When I’m old too it will no longer matter. I’ll be able to ask as many questions as I like.

I’ve been watching Dilbert lately. The funniest episode so far was the very last one where Dilbert has been impregnated by a cow/alien/robot/hillbilly, and throughout the pregnancy he took on all these feminine traits. He was mouthing off about something or other with Asok and Wally and Loud Howard, and when they offered solutions he said “Why are you doing this? I don’t want solutions!” which is so true. Men always offer solutions to women when women complain about things, but what women really want is just sympathy. That’s difficult for men, they like to solve things. They think that a woman telling him her problem is an invitation to offer a solution to it. Women then get frustrated because they just want the man to listen and make alternately sympathetic and reassuring noises.

My opinoin on this entire issue from a female perspective is this: Your female friends are the best ones to tell your problems to. They can empathise and will give you the response you want/need (most of the time). Of course you are free to share your issues with the man in your life, but it’s not fair to get mad at him for trying to fix the problem.
And to guys… well… you can offer us solutions, but we’re not always going to appreciate them.

I agree with many aspects of the suffragette movement, and I’m grateful for what they achieved through their hard work and suffering, but I also think that there is a point at which it becomes too political when it should be scientific. For one thing, the whole “I can do anything you can do” is not necessarily true. The differences in brain structure between men and women are what causes men to be, generally, better at solving spatial problems – men can focus extremely well on one task, which leads to the conclusion that men can only do one thing at a time. That might be true, but most of the time they do it well. Due to having more connections between the left and right sides of the brain than men do, women are able to multi-task and empathise – it becomes harder to separate the emotional from the physical, which is why women will often say “I feel…” when referring to situations, whereas men will concentrate on the facts (as they see them). These extra connections between right & left cerebral hemispheres are also responsible for the difficulty that women have in reading maps, or from telling their left from right. (I have extreme difficulty telling left from right. When asked directions, I can point in the direction I need to go, but can’t tell you whether that direction is left or right.)

I guess that this should be evidence enough that I am fascinated also by the physical/mental/emotional differences between males and females. In humans, anyway. It would be interesting to study gender roles in other species and compare them. I want to go to Uni!

I consider myself lucky to have Nathan as my brother in law (unofficially, until next year, but he is already part of the family). I have the benefit of his empathy and understanding of situations from a male point of view, which is a very useful and precious thing. It’s easy to get caught up in the hurt of previous experiences, to say, “I can’t handle this”, and to hold yourself back from ever opening up to someone again (because with that one act, you are opening yourself up to be hurt in one of the worst ways possible, in an emotional sense). However, it is with Nathan’s encouragement that I am taking things as they come, and being content with feeling content, and not questioning everything all the time.

Chris is also a wonderful help in this way. Our friendship is very important to me. It’s amazing to have an understanding of where each other is coming from. I must remember to take real notice of his advice, though sometimes I’m not in a position to be able to do that. Also, I have to apologise to him (sorry Chris!) for never believing his outrageous stories which later turn out to be true. And Willy’s stories never turn out to be true! Or very rarely anyway. It’s not Chris’ fault that he has such an interesting life. But I know that this isn’t going to stop me from doubting him again… I think that’s just the way that I am, and the way he is.

And also, I miss Tim because he’s overseas!

Emo!

So anyway, I went to see a couple of movies this weekend. Two in a row, actually. On Saturday afternoon, at Rosie’s cinema, I saw “The Curse of the Golden Flower” with Rosie, and then following that, I saw “The Lives of Others” with Mum, Helen & Noelle. They were extremely different movies, so it wasn’t too bad sitting through two movies in a row (often at home, I can’t even sit through one movie in a row because I have to get up and walk around or do something. I think a cinema kind of forces me to sit down and watch, because I can’t just get up and go play tetris, or play with Napoleon or whatever.

Okay so firstly, if you plan on seeing this movie, be careful of reading this next bit because there are spoilers. But they might not really be spoilers… The movie doesn’t make much sense anyway, so I won’t really be ruining the story for you or anything. It’s a very incestuous movie. Starting off, the Emperor has three sons – one from his first wife (whom he maintains “died when her son was very young”), and the two other sons are to his second wife, who is the current Empress. The Empress is having an affair with the first son from the Emperor’s first wife, but he doesn’t really want to carry on with this affair anymore, he wants to run away with his new secret love. His new secret love is Chan, the daughter of the Imperial Doctor. The Imperial Doctor, meanwhile, has been following the Emperor’s orders to put poison into the Empress’ medicine that she takes every two hours, which will slowly leave her with no mental capacity whatsoever. So anyway, it turns out that the Emperor’s first wife is actually the Imperial Doctor’s current wife, and she’s not dead at all, which makes the Emperor’s first son and the Imperial Doctor’s daughter half-brother & sister. On a technicality, first son is screwing both his mother and his sister. So the Doctor’s daughter goes insane and runs off screaming, and the first son gets killed by the Emperor’s youngest son, who turns out to be a real freak (anyone surprised?) and has organised his own little army of about five or six soldiers who are efficiently butchered by the Emperor. The Emperor then goes on to bash his youngest son in the face with a huge metal belt that he’s been wearing, until the kid is mushed into the carpet. After this, they all go and sit up on a big round tower in the middle of the Imperial Palace, high above the courtyard which has been covered with chrysanthemums for the chrysanthemum festival. Then some other stuff happens, second son kills himself, and then it ends. No closure, I’ve no idea what happens. I think the Empress probably just goes crazy and the Emperor does whatever he wants to do. That’s the Tang dynasty for you. Brutal.

Second movie – Lives of others. This is about the surveillance of supposed “enemies of the state” or “suspicious persons” that was carried out by the government during the years before the fall of the Berlin Wall. In the end, it’s a beautiful story. There’s a lot of horribleness going on throughout, but humanity redeems itself by a few important acts of benevolence during a very volatile time of history. It was very interesting to see. I hadn’t thought about it, but I guess that stuff like that still goes on even today, and probably even moreso with the technology that is available now. It’s a bit scary, to think that this all happened less than 20 years ago… it’s surreal. Like a bunch of surrealists changing a lightbulb. Or like chinchan.

Also, last week was my birthday. I had a small party on Saturday 21st April at my place. So many of my favourites were there. Here is proof of their awesomeness:

This cat is so cute. It’s from one of those Japanese TV shows, where they show the faces of different people up in the top right-hand corner for some reason.

These are thoughts I had today about myself, about my thoughts and actions and general mindset over the past few weeks… not in all things, but some.

I needed to be sure I was capable of that which I imagined, but never actually tested. My worth is not dictated by those around me. Love yourself first. You will definitely have enough left for everyone else in your life. It will be easier to tell who is deserving of your love also. You are entitled to make a decision as to who is worth your while. That is your decision and yours alone. But by the same token, you can’t change someone else’s mind or affect or manipulate their decision either.

Nothing that I do to try and force a situation, to try to force something to what I believe is the logical conclusion, is ever going to get it there.

This is a fundamental realisation, one which is strong enough to crawl upon and start learning how to stand upright again. It’s simple, but it’s not something that anyone else can tell you. There are so many things to learn about life which other people will try to tell you, but it’s not until you actually experience it for yourself, make the mistake, and learn from it, that you will really understand.

I know this might sound really wanky to some people, especially those who don’t know what I’ve been going through these past couple of months.

I know there’s something knitting and healing inside, and the healing of this still occasionally aches, but I know that this is the process. This is what needs to happen. The pain, sadness, ill-feelings… they don’t just up and disappear when I feel like I can cope with the world again. And really, I’ve been back in amongst the living for quite some time now.

I love me. I love myself, who I am and who I am not. I love my friends, the people around me who accept me and appreciate me. I love my family, who shaped and moulded who I am. I like idiosyncrasies – things that challenge me, that create lessons for me to learn in my own life.

Melancholy isn’t always a bad thing. I think it’s just like that “Wish You Were Here” song by Pink Floyd. That’s probably a really good melancholy song. Another good melancholy song is “Leif Erikson” by Interpol. And no, they aren’t paying me for all these mentions. Get a real job, GOSH!

I thought I’d compare my answers to this random blog survey from a while ago to how I would answer the questions today. The “Then” answers are from sometime in 2001. About six years ago now

1. IF YOU COULD GO BACK AND GIVE BIRTH TO YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOU?

Then: I find saskia pretty unusual, and i always think it suits me for some reason… yeah. saskia.
Now: I can’t imagine having any other name than Cass. Actually, I can imagine it, but if I do it’s just like me thinking “this name so doesn’t suit me!”. Also, what’s the deal with giving birth to yourself? Doubleyouteeeff!!one

2. WHAT TWO ADJECTIVES WOULD YOU USE TO DESCRIBE THE FOLLOWING:

YOUR INTELLECT:

Then: useful, interesting
Now: insatiable, dormant

YOUR SEX LIFE:

Then: boring, fucked (ha… how ironic)
Now: Just right

YOUR ATTITUDE:

Then: weird, happy
Now: hyper, casual

YOUR SPIRITUALITY:

Then: personal, original
Now: still undiscovered

YOUR PASSIONS:

Then: beautiful, individual
Now: obscure, undefined

YOUR FAMILY:

Then: unique, brilliant
Now: strong, unique

YOUR FRIENDS:

Then: great but absent
Now: supportive, appreciated

3. TO GET RIGHT TO THE MEAT…IF YOU HAD THE OPTION OF BUMPIN UGLIES WITH ANYONE YOU KNOW PERSONALLY…WHO WOULD IT BE?

Then: I really don’t understand the whole ‘bumpin uglies’ term. but um… at the moment, i don’t know anyone well enough to want to ‘bump uglies’ with… ask me last week and i would have said… oh you don’t want to know
Now: Just one person right now. I generally don’t look around at my friends and think “gosh I’d really like to root you.”

ANY MUSICIAN?

Then: anyone tall, dark, cute… with olive skin and beautiful eyes… who fits that description? I don’t really take that much notice of what musicians look like… i’m too busy listening to their music
Now: Oh um… Paul Banks (Interpol); Julian Casablancas (The Strokes); any one of The Kooks; Trent Reznor (NIN… and he sort of reminds me of Snape from HP – Alan Rickman); Kele Okereke (Bloc Party).

ANY ACTOR?

Then: Oh yeah, Logan from dark angel… michael weatherly. Or Hugh Jackman.. he is sooo sexy.
Now: Noel Fielding from The Mighty Boosh; Richard Kahan from The 4400; McGee or Dinozzo from NCIS

ANY WRITER?

Then: That would be a bit sad wouldn’t it? the only male writers that I admire (whose books I read) are much too old.
Now: Hmmmm still no.

4. IF YOU COULD BRING ANYONE BACK FROM THE DEAD TO DO THE HORIZONTAL BOP WITH, WHO WOULD IT BE?

Then: ew… bring people back from the dead? that sounds gross…necrophaelia or something…
Now: Yeah… still not a necrophiliac.

5. IF YOU COULD REPLACE ANY MEMBER OF ANY BAND, DEAD OR LIVING, WHOSE PLACE WOULD YOU TAKE?

Then: I wouldn’t want to replace any members of a band.. except for if the person i was replacing was really bad and it would be an improvement… but that’d be embarrassing. My non-existent reputation would really take a beating.
Now: I wouldn’t want to replace any member of a band, except maybe for one night just to pretend to play guitar and really i’m just going “strum strum strum!” really enthusiastically. Only it’s not plugged in. So no one can hear it. But only once.

6. IF YOU COULD LIVE THE LIFE OF ANY CHARACTER IN ANY MOVIE, WHOSE LIFE WOULD YOU LIVE?

Then: I’m going to cheat in this one… i want to be max from the dark angel pilot episode, which was also released as a single movie… or else i’d want to be jen from crouching tiger, hidden dragon.
Now: I really like my life. Maybe I would like to play the lead role in the movie of my life.

ANY BOOK?

Then: I’d love to be Sayuri from Memoirs of a Geisha, just to wear all those beautiful Kimino…
Now: Either Penelope or Charlotte from The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets (Eva Rice), Kivrin from Doomsday Book (Connie Willis), Liyana from Habibi (Naomi Shihab-Nye), Ginny from Harry Potter

ANY TV SHOW?

Then: Max from DARK ANGEL! stupid question… To make it a bit more interesting, i’d also like to be maya from just shoot me… the whole journalism thing attracts me… but i wouldn’t be so annoyingly moralistic
Now: Still Max from Dark Angel, and also Abby from NCIS

7. IF YOU WERE TO TITLE YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD THE TITLE BE?

Then: “The essence of Mary”… or “I narrowly missed a bear” or “I’m not a bad driver – these are just my oranges”
Now: Super Freak, maybe… or Nerd Central. Or maybe “I can has a life?” and then, underneath that, “No, you can’t has a life – Not yours (pointing to a picture of a life)”

8. WHAT SONG, IF ANY, IS SO PERSONAL TO YOU THAT YOU COULD HAVE WRITTEN IT?

Then: Bic Runga, Sway… I always relate so well to that song.. especially if i have a crush on someone when i hear it… ^_^
Now: Pretty much if any song relates to any sort of emotionality, or even if it doesn’t, I will find a way to relate it to my life and feel emotional about it (either positive or negative). That’s sort of the reason that I listen to music. That and that it rocks.

9. WHAT MOVIE, IF ANY, DO YOU WISH YOU HAD WRITTEN?

Then: Hmm.. tough one. Oh, I wish i had written dogma, cause that was such a funny movie and i wish i could take credit for it. Jay and silent bob crack me up.
Now: Any of my favourite movies. But then again, I wonder if I could really have enjoyed them as much as I did if I actually came up with them?

10. WHAT BOOK, IF ANY, DO YOU WISH YOU HAD WRITTEN?

Then: Habibi, by Naomi Shihab Nye, because it’s a beautiful book and i could read it a million times without getting tired of it.
Now: Probably Harry Potter, because then I would know the ending.

11. IF YOU WERE TO LIST THE ESSENTIAL QUALTIES OF YOUR PERFECT LOVER, WHAT WOULD THEY BE?

Then: Sensitive but not to the point of being annoying, able to take control, be caring, understanding, strong (not necessarily physically, although it would help) someone that i love and understand, and who loves and understands me… or at least, who likes me back. Am i naive or what??? lol.
Now: Strength (inner strength – emotionally, strength of character, strength of convictions), openness, sense of adventure, funny, weird, interesting

12. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND RELIVE ANY PORTION OF YOUR HISTORY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

Then: *I’ve edited this, because it goes on for a bit and it’s annoying*
Now: Nussink, I am me because of the choices I have made and the things I have experienced.

13. IF YOU WERE A PAWN SHOP ITEM, WAITING PATIENTLY TO BE REDEEMED, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?

Then: a pokemon trading card… or a beanie baby toy… or some useless crap like that. I don’t know why… just what came into my head.
Now: I’d probably be a game console… “pick me! Pick me! I’m so much fun! Come and play!”

14. IF YOU WERE A REFRIGERATOR, WHAT SORT OF MAGNETS WOULD YOU STICK TO YOURSELF?

Then: Definitely the ones that say “Be smart, use public transport, and GO CAT GO!” which are advertising queensland public transport. my sister has them on her fridge. I’d also have all the free magnets that you get from places like traveland and the video store.
Now: The same magnets that are on our fridge now. Angela Anaconda, brightly coloured letter magnets so you can write things like “Rosie eatz dick”.

15. IF YOU WERE A CLOCK WHAT TIME WOULD YOU BE?

Then: 6:54am
Now: 8:20pm

16. ARE YOU SICK OF THESE QUESTIONS YET

Then: well, if i was i wouldn’t keep going. it was my choice to do this survey wasn’t it? least i think it was my choice…
Now: Still a dumb question.

17. HOW MANY SURREALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB?

Then: stuff the surrealists… i could make a good joke out of that one: “they didn’t have enough to go around” or something.
Now: Dripping wax melted cartoon face.

These are the unspoken, unacknowledged promises that I made to myself. These are the things I need to remember in order to stay true to myself:

1. I will not compromise my self-worth for the worth of another.
2. I am the most important person in my own life, first and foremost. I look after me first.
3. I will not put up with people treating my time as though it is less important than theirs.
4. I will not give my time and energy to people who make me feel bad about myself.
5. Those who are unappreciative of the time that I choose to spend with them don’t deserve that time.

I’m constantly thinking. I’m very introspective. I think I think too much. The cogs in my brain are constantly turning, and I come up with some strange ideas and theories on why things are the way they are.

I’m constantly trying to make sense out of everything that happens. I want to know everything about everything. I think this is not just a generation-y thing, and I think I should stop explaining it away as that.

I think this won’t be the last time I write something pointless.

I’m overwhelmed by the sensation of missing someone or something. The Shins new song “Phantom Limb” is such a perfect metaphor for this feeling. It happens to thousands/millions of people every single day, so why do I feel so alone? Why do I hate so much when people try to compare my heartache to what they were feeling at a time that they think was similar? That’s not even what they’re trying to do. I know that. They’re trying to make me feel less alone in my pain, but it doesn’t help at all. It makes me rail against their attempts at comforting me.

I don’t want to feel like this any more.

I don’t want to feel discarded, unwanted, like my best efforts are simply not good enough.

It’s very difficult to retain any self-esteem in a situation like this. I’m just not good enough, and I have nothing more to offer.