By graphic images, I mean images of my arm/hand.. I’ll post them at the end of the blog in case you don’t want to see them. you can still read this ;)

Today was my first day back at work. I’m exhausted. The strange thing about being back at work is being in different climates/temperatures. While on sick leave, I’ve practically lived in my pyjamas. They are nice and warm, because the days are cold and there is no heating in this house. But as it warms up, I can wear just a t-shirt. Being at work today, I found the temperature stiflingly and ridiculously hot.

They seem to turn the heat way up to overcompensate for the chill of outside, but it just made me feel feverish. Then also, on the train on the way home, they had the carriages overheated too. Combined with the body heat of all the people crowded on there, it was enough to make anyone feel claustrophobic. I’m not claustrophobic, but that’s how I felt… It was so nice to be out in the fresh air on the walk home from the station, even if it was chilly. I so much prefer winter to any other time of year, but I wish that public transport and businesses would stop cooking everyone.

I am now known at work as an “Emogan” (well, really only by Kirra and Calum, but meh.) This is a cross between an emo and a bogan. The bogan part comes in because of my tendency to over-syllabalise words that are monosyllabic. For example: “here”, I pronounce as “heeyah”, although not quite as extreme as that. I’m getting a complex. Also because I come from Yamba, and apparently that sounds like a bogan place. The emo part comes in… because… i like Nightmare Before Christmas, and I have black and coloured hair, and I have emo glasses… and i like buttons… and … some other stuff.

Calum and I were discussing pronunciation of different words. Specifically, “Maroon”. Here are my pronunciations and definitions for maroon:

1. Maroon (Mah-roon): To put ashore on a deserted island or coast and intentionally abandon.
2. Maroon (Mah-rohn): A dark reddish brown to dark purplish red.

words aren’t always pronounced the same way as other words. Like the rule for maroon is proven by comparing it to afternoon. But what about can? we say “can”, not “cahn”, but we say “cahn’t” not, “can’t”. If we were to say “can’t”, we’d be accused of americanising.
Anyway, here are the pictures:

hand

stitches

wrist

 

Here are some things that are difficult to do with a broken arm:

Type at a reasonable speed
Sleep
sharpen a pencil
do up buttons
put on a necklace
wash your hair
unlock the computer
fend off zombie attacks from unsympathetic younger sisters
make your bed
hang out the washing
do the dishes
tie your shoelaces
rummage through your bag for something
prepare food / cook
open your wallet / purse
staple a bunch of papers together
give someone a hug
feed animals
hug animals
carry things

wahwahwah.

Mashed ants is the worst smell in the world. Worse still than wet dog, B.O., walking home past all the garbage bins night before garbage day, that smell in balmoral down near the river that lauren and i never figured out what it was, the grease trap in the valley near cash converters, the grates in berlin, the water in venice… eugh. the world is so dirty. tonight when rosie and i were walking home from the vet some car drove past and its exhaust smelled like the public toilets at southbank piazza after a xavier rudd concert (god if he didn’t shit the whole crowd to tears…)

anyway. i hate typing like this

 

Everyone’s watching big brother. Eugh I hate Big Brother! I saw the pictures they drew of themselves on the big brother website (yeah, what the hell was I doing looking at the big brother website when I hate it so much?!) and not one of them can draw! That’s dumb. They should choose at least one artistic person.

My back is really hurting at the moment. It feels like the bones aren’t being held together by anything, and if I turn around or lean back or forwards, my spine will break apart at the fracture and I’ll fall to the ground and just be in two pieces. The bones feel really weak and it’s very painful :( i’m going to the doctor next week so I’ll ask for a referral to get more x-rays done. In the meantime, I’m afraid.

 

Where the bloody hell are you… REASON… COMMON SENSE???

You HAVE to watch this. Everyone. C’mon. It’s exactly what I was trying to say, but more eloquent and abrasive (at the same time? Genius!)

I can say LOL because I was actually laughing out loud while watching it, and it wasn’t just a LOTI thing.

So true.

Thanks Anna.

Anyway. I watched Howl’s Moving Castle again today. I love Howl. I can’t believe he got upset that his hair went black. Well, firstly he was upset that his hair went orange and so maybe it didn’t look all that great, but it went dark so it’s all good. Much nicer than boring old blonde. Why does everyone want blonde hair anyway? I’d like to have Sophie’s hair – ‘the colour of starlight’ !! haha. Really it’s just grey. But when she was young again it looked cool. I thought it was a nice inclusion, the way Sophie changed from old to young throughout the movie, through her posture, the lines on her face, the length of her hair… it was really interesting. Something I noticed more the second time, because the first time we watched it at the movies and we were sitting either front row or close to, and it was the subtitled session so most of my attention went to that. I noticed the subtle (though today they didn’t seem so subtle) changes in the illustration of her, but thought maybe I was imagining things or not paying close enough attention and making changes up in my head.

So, back to work tomorrow. Doctor tomorrow afternoon. That’s good because I feel like crap.

 

Maybe mum was right – maybe I am getting the flu. My back aches, my shoulders ache, my legs ache… Maybe this is what having the flu feels like? Maybe it makes you depressed, and bored, and angry, and tired… I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had the flu. I’ve had colds, yes, but not many. I think the worst cold I had was when we were in Ireland. I’ve had pneumonia… but that’s a whole different thing.

So. Flu so far = depressed, tired, angry, achy… And here was I thinking that when you have the flu you actually get sick! Silly me! But my problem couldn’t possibly be LIFE, could it? No, no, of course not! Life’s not at all depressing! Life doesn’t make you angry or wear you out or hurt you! No… people hurt you. Not life. People wear you out, make you angry. But I suppose that people are part of life (unless you’re a hermit. Are you a hermit?), so really it’s all the same thing.

Oh I think I’m digging a deep hole for myself right now.

And you know, I’m pretty good at pretending in everyday life, but for some reason it’s not working right now. My pretending abilities have up and left me when I most need them! “I’m fine. I don’t want people to worry about me.” “People are going to worry about you whether you want them to or not.” Well really! Everyone tells me not to worry about things! I’m not allowed to worry about things, but everyone else is allowed to worry about me? How is that fair? And I’m so darn good at it too!

And also, everyone keeps saying to me, “you’re very intelligent.” but I’d really like to know how they came to this conclusion. I am having trouble seeing it. If I am stupid enough to get myself into a mess like this (feelings with no cause! Where on earth do they come from?) AGAIN, where does the intelligence I supposedly possess step in? when does it help me answer the questions I’m asking of everyone else? why doesn’t anyone else worry or care about the same things as me?

My catchphrase at the moment = “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get over it.”

Ro and I saw Aeon Flux today. It was nothing like the cartoon, and really the best part was the SFX, but it was good to just sit and not think about anything for a couple of hours. I think Beck & I are going to see “when a stranger calls” tomorrow. Good. I love horror movies.

I hope it rains again soon. I love rain.

There’s a party on up the road. They were playing crap music when Ro & I were waiting for the bus today, and now the music is even more crap, and it’s worse because I’ll be going to bed in a minute, trying to get to sleep. I’ll get over it.

Noelle & I have been leaving things for each other on the bus stop near our house. First she left stickers from her shoes, then I left a 2 pence coin (which then disappeared) then I left a ten pence coin, and it was there for a week and a half. I mentioned this to Ro this morning when we were waiting for the bus. “I can’t believe that 10pence is still there. I put it there like a week and a half ago.” Then, this afternoon:

Noelle: JESUS IS THE LORD!!
Me: Whaaat?! (as this was fairly out of the blue)
Noelle:Jesus is the Lord… you didn’t write it?
Me: Write what?
Noelle: The note at the bus stop!
Me: Noooo…?
Noelle: The coin is gone and there’s a note left there in it’s place, I thought you must have done it!

At this point I ran to the bus stop… sure enough there’s the note, pencil on green paper “Jesus is the lord!”. As my coin was still there at lunch time when Ro and I left, it must have happened only this afternoon sometime before we got home from the shops. WEIRD. I stuck the note to the bus stop using the shoe stickers that Noelle originally put down. I wonder who is trying to communicate with us? The rest of the afternoon was punctuated by occasional exclamations from me of “That’s amazing! I can’t believe that!” Wow. what next? I can hardly wait to see.

I bought an Iriver on Friday to cheer myself up. I was happier when I got back to work (after a conversation with the Team Leader that left me in tears because she was being nice to me and I can’t handle people being nice to me and saying “You’re allowed to be upset”. No, I”m not.) but I said to Team Leader “I’ll have to just get over it. I can’t afford to do this all the time!” I really can’t. I think that the amount you spend is directly proportional to how good you feel afterwards and for how long. So I felt pretty cheery for a couple of hours. That doesn’t bode well for my credit card. But then again, I guess it just proves that you can’t rely on retail therapy. I mean, I’m enjoying transferring all my music and pictures over to my Iriver (it’s killing the interminable boredom of my boring life for a little while at least) but it’s not making me feel happy. I said to Noelle on Friday afternoon, “I know that there’s another way to feel, because I haven’t felt this way forever, but I just can’t get back there.”

Ah this sounds suspiciously like I’m feeling very sorry for myself right now. But I’m not, I’m angry at myself. I don’t think I deserve any sympathy whatsoever. So don’t give me any. Oh and I don’t want any pity either – you can keep it.

 

I am not to write much tonight. I was sick today, and I have to go to bed early so I can get some sleep to make sure I’m better by tomorrow.

I’ll just say: I love going grocery shopping. And I love putting everything away when we get home. And there’s all new fresh foods in the fridge, and the pantry is filled, and the possibilities for things you could make or prepare with it all are endless. Never mind that in two weeks (two? Make it one!) time half the stuff will be gone, the other half will be wilted and sad…

Joy of joys – they had my soy milk powder at the supermarket! Now I won’t have to go without tea for at least… a couple of weeks ;) . I’m so happy. That in itself is a little sad – that finding powdered milk could be a source of such happiness for me. Ah well.

Noelle and I are going to celebrate St Pat’s day for real this Friday by going out for a pub lunch when I finish work at 3:30pm, and probably drink some green beer or something.

Because i was sick today, I stayed in my room all day with the curtains drawn and the fan on, just trying to sleep. And when mum came home and I went with her to the supermarket, it was like I’d been in hibernation and the lights at the store were really bright and all the noises were really loud, and everything was sort of surreal. I might have still been half asleep.

I don’t like being sick, and taking days off work. I like to keep some sort of routine during the week, even if it’s not a real routine since I do something different each day and get home at a different time each day, it still seems like a huge interruption to not go anywhere at all. And of course no one likes feeling sick, I guess that goes without saying.

Anyway. Ro you are so BURNT!

 

I’m so tired, and feeling sick.

I drank too much tea today, and I feel like I start moving through strobe lights, staggered movements but really fast. Like stop-start-stop-start… except on fast forward. I’m so tired because I’ve been doing overtime for two whole weeks now, which is exhausting when I don’t get to bed until 11pm and wake up at 5am. I had to come home early yesterday and go to bed early, so I only did an hour extra. Almost not worth it. I’ve still got a cabcharge voucher because I forgot it the first night, caught the train, and it took me 40 minutes to walk home in the dark. It’s a nice walk though, so I don’t mind. Even in the dark it’s nice.

I got so tired day before yesterday at work that I made stupid mistakes and strongly berated myself for them. I burst into tears at one point because I was frustrated with how stupid I was. This was a combination of tiredness and thinking other stupid things (not work stupid things, but home stupid) that I had done which have been like constant storm clouds above my head, and I’m just waiting for the deluge. Kirra said I’m way too harsh on myself, that I should give myself a break, but I don’t think I deserve one. If I do something stupid, I have to acknowledge it because otherwise I can’t learn from it, and remember not to do that again. But I never learn. So what’s the point?

I get so frustrated with myself, because I can see where I go wrong, I can see it. I made a stupid, stupid, obvious mistake. It wasn’t a big mistake, just a little one that didn’t matter, but that makes it worse I think. How could I do that? How could I not see? Ugh. I’m such an idiot. I hate TV. It’s so loud and dominates whatever room it’s in. That’s fine if all you want to do is watch TV, but what if all you want to do is read? or write? or talk to someone? TV is selfish. I’m selfish so I guess I can’t really talk. Judge not lest ye be judged. Why have I been so judgmental?

Finally they had blue dye in stock, but now they have no black. If I had a store which sold things like that I’d make sure they were constantly there, and if they weren’t there, I’d put a little sign up which said, “sorry! This product is out of stock. We should have some more available ______” and i’d also let people put products on hold so they could get one as soon as they came in. It’s a guaranteed sale, people! I think it would be better if they put a sign up saying when they expected more to come in, because then I wouldn’t have to go searching all over the city or check back in every day and I could just come back to that shop the date it was supposed to come back in. I suppose that’s not a guarantee that it would be there, but it’s better than having no idea at all.

We saw the cutest boy in the city today. He had a long black coat on, not a trenchie (yuck), but sgt pepper style almost, and a jaunty little hat. He looked awesome. Some interesting news from my lunchtime boredom: Kim Jong-Il of North Korea has allowed the release of a love song – shock horror! And England has banned our “where the bloody hell are you?” tourism campaign ads – big surprise. Someone had to. Penny said they were just being precious, but that’s their prerogative. If our tourism industry wants to make ridiculous adverts, then they have every right to refuse them.

One of the spokespeople for the ads said something along the lines of “you can’t buy this publicity!” Like it was a really good thing. Everybody’s going to think we’re gutter-mouthed bimbos. The boys don’t get too bad a rap, but it’s as though women’s suffrage never happened. Everyone’s so misogynistic. I feel sad.

I want to see an ad broadcast internationally that features the following all-Australian themes: Emos sulking in black skinny-legs and red paintings or MCR shirts; the Cronulla racial riots (to add some excitement); Macquarie Fields (just cause); Street Hawkers closing in for the kill; 15 year-old mothers-to-be getting high on the Baby Bonus… I can’t think straight right now. I’m sure there are a million other Aussie clichés that could be used and would create a far more accurate portrayal of modern Australian life.

Anyway, today I felt much better after getting a decent nights sleep. And I was ready in time to catch the early bus, and for some reason my access card worked straight away when usually I have to wait until 6:30am… I’ll have to catch the train tomorrow because our bus doesn’t run that early on Saturdays. I can’t wait until this overtime is OVER. I can’t afford not to take it while it’s on offer, but it’s just so exhausting. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I went to bed at a reasonable hour, but I just can’t seem to. I go to bed and just lay there, awake, waiting to sleep, even though I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open. I never used to have trouble sleeping. I’ve got too many things running through my mind.

Kirra said that I bite so easily when people are stirring me up. I’m easily stirred up. It’s not that I take things seriously, because I know that people are just joking. It’s not like I go and sulk in a corner when people joke with me, though apparently I did sound really serious when I said “shut up!” to Nathan K, but that was only because he stood there for ages making chicken noises at me. He said “I thought you were braver than that.” And I said, “No, I’m really not.” though it’s not really fair because I didn’t have a choice It wasn’t like I could take the vote and use that as justification for sending the email.

Agh I’m falling asleep. That’s a sign to me that what I’m writing is boring. BORING! I have that sound in my head, of someone saying BORING but I’m not sure where it comes from. I think it’s just me.

I paid my deposit on my trip today. How exciting! That’s what I think of whenever I feel down. GREY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! Why do people say to me “SMILE!” when I am feeling sad? Why should I smile? That’s like lying. It’s a lie.

I like that “All these things that I’ve done” song by the Killers. I don’t know why. I like the words, though when you put them together they don’t seem to mean all that much.

I want to turn back time and have gone to sleep hours ago, not still be sitting here awake not being able to go to bed because I still want to keep listening to Modest Mouse which I haven’t listened to in ages, but how to start work early tomorrow? And how to cope with everything? And how to continue?

Sleeeeeeep sounds good right now.

 

I am wrong in judging people. And I am wrong to feel so angry. I can’t give advice on things that I don’t fully understand. And I hardly understand ANYTHING. I feel sick from eating junk today. From never drinking soft drink to having three bottles of coke zero… and I don’t even really like it that much. I’ve got so many chemicals in my system right now and I just feel terrible.

I am tired, and was tired before, and it’s hot, and I feel sick, and everything has just culminated in one huge feeling of not wanting to exist. I feel so helpless, for Noelle, who has just had the ending of her neverending relationship. It’s been a long time coming. But the person who provided the finality has just been such a complete fucking selfish asshole about things (there it is – the most swearing you will ever hear uttered from my keyboard) and decided he “didn’t want to deal with it” until he was forced to, which was tonight. I mean, what a freaking joke. How can all of your intentions never actually come to anything? How can you intend to do so many things? How can you treat your friends better and with more respect and more of your time than your so-called girlfriend? I’m sorry, but most guys have things completely messed up. Girls are not a part-time job. They’re not something you just deal with so you can get laid once in a while.

Agh. I have to stop before I rant on.

So we went to Tropfest tonight. We had a BBQ by the sandy pool (oh sorry, I mean beach) of Southbank, and then watched the short films. Apparently Tropfest has the biggest audience of any film festival in the world (this little fact provided by Noelle) due to the simulcasts all over Australia (Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane…). The films were good. One, called “Fishy” was so disturbing I had my hands over my eyes for some of it, half hating and half loving the macabre unreality of it. The end was confusing. I think I got the point (somewhat) but Noelle’s conclusion was so different to mine that I have to wonder. She just hated it, as did Clare. And Clare said, “I know people like you, that like things that disturb you, but you’re nice at the same time, and the other people I know aren’t.” As if liking scary movies immediately makes you the scum of the earth, and anyone who isn’t becomes a curiosity. We missed out on the second half due to the end of the end of the end for Noelle, who was beset by such a profound and encompassing grief (stemming from a conversation with asshole mentioned earlier that left her shattered) that we left immediately.

I hope that Noelle doesn’t let this drag her down forever. I hope that her vibrancy and effervescence and positive energy aren’t marred permanently by the actions of one selfish individual. But it really was the best thing that could have happened. If it went on and on like it had been, then maybe it would set in Noelle the notion that she was only worth as much as he would give her: in time, energy, love…. And she is worth so much more.

And now I’m up far later than I intended, and I have work tomorrow and I’m going to be TIRED along with feeling like crap. At least it’s only another two days until payday (though having no money hasn’t stopped me from spending it). Overtime all this week, plus Saturday. I’m not going to bail on any of it, because I really need the money. The government is going to love me for all the tax they’ll get next week… And for the fact that though I intend on studying very soon I do not intend on quitting my job to do it. And so therefore I’ll still be paying my own way through everything, therefore not asking for any Austudy, therefore no government handouts. I don’t want anything from the government, I could never take something from something/persons that I respect so little. Although I have in the past.

It’s strange, but although there are so many people denouncing the current governing party, they’ve had nothing but wins since I’ve been old enough to vote. How does that happen? I loved that, on Glasshouse the other night, when the American guy said, “You guys get fined if you don’t vote!?” And Dave Hughes said, “Yeah, but you guys get George Bush.” Yeah, but then we get a weedy little idiot who copies George Bush’s every move. So we’re in just as deep as the US in everything. And the stores fill up with American goodies, and everyone wears American fashion, and do you even have to make an effort to put on an American accent? And gosh, I’m sorry, are we spelling recognise with a “z” now? (is that pronounced zed or zee? But I’ve never agreed with the Australian pronunciation of that one anyway). When people overseas mistake Australians for Americans, couldn’t that just be an unintentional comment on our current social & political situation?

I don’t want that to sound like I’m being racist. America is like the obnoxious bully kid at school who’s popular but nobody knows why, and Australia is the young impressionable kid desperately seeking approval from someone who looks like they might be established in a complicated hierarchy. So we’ve chosen our side, and our role model, and though it now occurs that might not have been the best decision, how embarrassing would it be for us to now change our minds! No one seems to want to anyway. What a rort that was – WMD. And the fact that everyone knows the acronym (I guess Team America helped with that)… What a joke. How anyone could think it wasn’t about the oil… The world is bought and sold a million times over and the most important person is always the one with the biggest piece of pie. So I guess now is the time for me to clarify that I mean the United States Government, not the people (because I don’t believe that the election of the Bush Administration by majority of the vote was an actual event, that there wasn’t foul play afoot).

Anyway, what can I do about it? Nothing. So what’s the point of me ranting about it? Best answer being there is no point, but if ever anything I did had a point I’d be highly surprised. Could someone get me a ladder so I can get down off this high horse?

 

Perhaps you may now officially refer to me as a *nerd*. The cause for this being that I just uploaded 27 pictures from the Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire promo shots I have in My Pictures folder in my computer, and also added comments for them all… I can’t help what I love, people! You do what you can in this crazy world, if something helps you get by you grab hold of it with both hands.. .then upload it to your myspace.

I just read something that pissed me off. And I shall reveal this newly gleaned information tomorrow when i make my glorious return to my place of employment, and perhaps make a few people say “That’s not right! So unfair!” and I will reply “No, it isn’t right, and yes, it is unfair. There appears to be nothing we can do about this great injustice.” I’m extremely disappointed about this, to say the very least. This has destroyed my faith in certain people, and my respect for them has also gone out the window. I also read a few other things that made me laugh out loud, but still didn’t make up for the disgust I felt upon reading the terrible news. I have no idea why this information would have been flaunted like this, for certain people to stumble across and become upset. Well, what’s done is done and can’t be undone.

I have a terrible headache. It comes and goes, so I guess a positive is that at least it’s not constant. My back aches also, and I am so tired. I stayed up so late on Saturday night, all because of the alcoholics from the halfway house down the street and my overactive imagination. I feel so unsafe here. I’m glad we’re moving, though December seems like so far away. I’m sure the time will fly. Time flies when you have responsibilities and a timeframe. I have to get my passport organised. It’s not like I haven’t tried – I got my birth certificate, I just have to get a photo now. I’ll get one next week, because I’m getting my hair done this Friday. Ooh! Nightwatch comes out this weekend! I think…

Yes, yes it does! awesome :D

 

I get paid tomorrow! Woot! I predict…. maybe 6 figures in my bank account. Including 2 decimal places. And the first digit. So, no different to usual. Except that those numbers should be a bit higher than normal… apart from the first digit. So really, what am i getting so worked up about? It happens every payday, one of the consequences of being paid fortnightly. I think when you get paid monthly, you get REALLY excited, and start planning lots of things for all that money! Then you’re broke by the end of the first week, and have three weeks to live on nothing! Fortnightly is better, because although you may spend all your money by the day after payday (record for me is ON payday. I had a lotta bills!), you only have one week left to live without money, and usually you can just glide on through that finish line, guns blazing. Except without the guns. or maybe guns in the same sense as will ferrel’s guns in anchorman.

I think I may be getting sick. I have a mildly sore throat… and every time i get a scratchy throat it always develops into something like tonsillitis or a throat infection. Why don’t they just genetically engineer humans to not have tonsils or appendixes? (don’t answer that question, it was rhetorical and a comment on our genetically meddling society).

I am going shopping tomorrow, like i do virtually every lunch time, except that this time i will have money. That only happens once every two weeks. I think i do a lot to support the economy, because ever since I started working full time again, just across from the mall, with more disposable income, the Australian dollar has been increasing in value! You might think that me working at a bank would mean that I have some concept of how the economy works, but you would be sadly mistaken. I don’t really care. I made up my own theory of what interest actually is, and why our dollar has gone up, and it’s enough for me. Other people like it too. One day I might write a book and everyone who wants a viable reason and explanation for “interest” can read it. Only 5 cents per copy! (I’m expecting big sales, or the value of our dollar to increase dramatically).

I am going to get a laptop tomorrow! Hopefully. After work. Then I will play on it all day long, and won’t ever need real people again. I’m just kidding of course. But i know there are people who do believe this, deep inside where they will never realise until they HAVE NO FRIENDS. agh. Anyway, i’m very excited about this. So i have two exciting things. one, i get paid. Two, i get a laptop! yay! then i can install all my games on it, that lauren won’t let me play anymore. The sims, age of empires, zootycoon…

Well, i think i’ve gone mad. I’ve probably got a temperature or something, from this angry throat of mine. yay!

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