I’ve been feeling weird lately, out of sorts I guess. I’m not sure what it is that’s causing this strange mood, it could be a lot of things. I think the base feeling is one of melancholy, and perhaps a quiet boredom. Sometimes I miss the things I used to do, and I wish I had the energy for it but I’m flat out just trying to get through each day of work.

I miss new experiences, new music, new people.

This train of thought is making me feel like listening to my “songs to cry to” playlist, but I also think that it’s not good for me to wallow.

It’s good to cry every now and then. For me, anyway. It’s like a release. Tim and Thomas were saying that crying is a woman’s secret weapon, and it’s always unfair, no matter when they use it. I don’t think it’s a conscious decision most of the time, I think it’s more of a defense mechanism. But apparently, men can’t cope with women crying. Why? It’s not the end of the world.

Maybe because it’s emo? Stupid emos.

I want to go overseas. I want to live in another country. I want to earn my wage in a different currency. I want to be cold most of the year instead of hot (not emotionally, GOSH!). I want to play in snow again. I want to know WHEN this will happen, not just have it be at some unknown point in the future. I want to go on weekend trips to different countries, and hear different languages being spoken around me. I want to try new things, step out of my comfort zone, get lost, have fun.

Oh my god I love doing those things!  Here are some skills that I own:

• cooking
• sewing
• cleaning
• talking
• random statements
• writing (usually)
• having a decent vocabulary
• knowing the difference between there, they’re & their; then & than; you, your & you’re
• laughing
• liking things
• liking people

I know there are other things. Life’s decent, isn’t it?

Current song actually playing on WMP is “Change in the House of Flies” by Deftones. I don’t have the entire White Pony album, just this one song. I remember Lauren talking about an album of the Deftones where they just played all acoustic stuff. I’d like to hear it, but I can’t remember what it was. Anyway, the whole entomological theme reminds me of “The Metamorphosis” by Franz Kafka. Reading that book made me feel vaguely uneasy. I could place myself in Gregor’s skin much too easily, so I guess that in that way the writing was effective. But still, (to use an entirely banal expression) it really creeped me out. I very much like the song though.

I’d love to learn German. I never used to think about the career prospects of study (it was always just knowledge for knowledges sake) but now, every time I think of something I’d like to study, the thought comes hand in hand with “and where would that take me? What would I gain from that?” The obvious answer is “Knowledge”, which used to be the most important thing to me. Maybe I’ve started to be more practical… or boring. I don’t know. I was also thinking about the things I want to study, if they’re not going to lead into an external career, then I could just keep studying and researching until I become an expert and then I could be a university lecturer or even just do research for the universities. If I was a washed-up action-hero movie star with a German accent, I might even receive an honorary degree or two. That’d be awesome.

I am so tired. I’m at that point where my eyes are closing by themselves, or they’re telling me they want to close. Last night, Nathan and Lauren came over and they had a bbq, which Chris and I missed most of because we went to the supermarket. Later on, Chris and I got dressed up and went out in the Valley. We got called emos. We drove around for a while, made a video (which is on Chris’ computer so I can’t post it yet), and then went home at about 11:30pm. I didn’t end up going to bed until about 1am though, because as soon as I get on the computer I hang about for ages just doing nothing. Maybe looking at ImageChan (it’s less annoying than sifting through all the crap at 4chan to see some vaguely amusing photoshopped image) or just clicking the StumbleUpon button a million times.

This is not Sparta, this is me dressed up for Friday 13th. Today Chris and I went into the Valley and had yum cha (which was really expoola because we just kept getting plates of crap and not eating them!!1) and then walked around the markets for a bit. I purchased some jewellery and other stuff, as did Christopher. This afternoon we went out to Stafford and saw “300″ at the cinemas there. It was a really cheesy movie. Phillip said that it was really gory, but I didn’t think it was. There was a bit of cartoon blood splatters, and a couple of corpse piles, but nothing that offensive.

Oh btw, it’s my birthday on the 23rd (that’s not this Monday coming, but next Monday). My birthday celebrations, however, will be on Saturday 21st April starting at around 7:00-7:30pm at my house. It’s a BBQ so byo meat, or whatever. Some alcohols and foods will be provided. Others you will have to hunt and gather yourselves. We have several houses surrounding ours, which may or may not be ideal places for scavenging. Not that I am suggesting nor condoning that sort of behaviour. No siree.

I thought I would write a birthday wish list, if anyone who is buying me a present is having trouble figuring out what to get me:

* jewellery
* make-up (only for those that are sure they know what I like!)
* tetris for DS
* tickets to something good
* subscription to Frankie magazine
* noo shoes
* something mybestest branded
* a monthly two-zone translink ticket
* something lovely and surprising and thoughtful

And I could probably name a few more things once I’ve been into the city. I’m going there tomorrow afternoon after work. I’ll keep you posted.

I told a lot of people that I had seen a fox jumping on a trampoline. In case there were any doubting thomases out there (why i oughta! do these look like flesh wounds to you?) here is the proof:

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampoland, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seem to be getting out of control.

Lol. A random quote from Nathan which I wrote down in my phone for some reason: “The worst thing about being a rollerblader is having to tell your mum & dad you’re gay.”

On a brighter note, this long weekend has been FUN. Friday I hung out with Tim. Saturday afternoon Ro & I had breakfast in the Valley with Chris & Doonz and checked out the markets. Saturday evening, dad came up from Yamba and we had Indian take-out from Scheherezade Restaurant in Morningside (they are really good), and then we went out to John & Pai & Dan’s housewarming. It was really good to catch up with Pai (who I haven’t seen in aaaages) and John, and meet new people etc.

We left the party to go to Lolly’s bday celebrations in the Valley at about 12:30am. These had started off at Mustang Bar, but by that time had migrated to 299. I’ve been to 299 a few times, and the very first time we went (around the time of my birthday last year) it was so much fun. The next couple of times I went there, however, the only music they played was dirgy crap (I am very aware that it’s an emo club). This time though, it was more of how it had been that very first time. They played lots of fun songs. As we were leaving, “Take Me Out” by Franz Ferdinand started playing, and Lauren, Nathan & I went back upstairs again to dance .

I, as per usual, drunkenly stated my intention of walking home rather than wait in line for a cab for an hour. Nathan & Lauren ended up convincing me to go back to their place and stay in their spare room, since we would be going over to their place for lunch Easter Sunday anyway. So, we got back to theirs at about 3:00am, and didn’t end up getting to sleep until 4:30am, because we started playing Singstar and I guess that time flies when you’re drunk and having fun doing stupid shit. (I will almost never play Singstar when I am sober – it’s about as awkward to me as watching Mr. Bean. I’m not sure why…)

I woke up at about 7:00am feeling tired but otherwise fine (I love my liver). Lauren was fine too, but Nathan was pretty sick, and didn’t make it to church with the others. Dad ended up coming over and picking me up so I could go home and get changed into fresh clothes, and maybe have a nap before lunchtime.

Lunch was nice. Lauren made caesar salad, Glynis cooked a quiche and potato salad, and also cheesecake for dessert (I can has cheezcake?). We went home at about 2:30pm. I had a shower and laid down on my bed to read for a bit, but fell asleep almost immediately and didn’t wake up again until 6:30pm, when Dad had already left to drive Rosie to work then head back down the Coast. I’m a bit sad that I didn’t get to say goodbye to him before he left.

Ever wondered what a melted wheelie bin would look like? While on our way from the car to the mall for breakfast on Saturday, I spotted this in a carpark beside the footpath, just down from the Tibetan kitchen. “Those beers are from my work!” Rosie said. “Someone got drunk at my work and then came here and set this bin on fire!”. That’s lame.

This is the little gingy cat that lives in Abuklea Street, near the Wilston train station. I usually see it on my way to the train in the mornings, and sometimes in the afternoons. In the afternoons, it is on the other side of the road. It’s smart because it knows which side of the road to be on at which time of day to get pats. It’s really friendly. If you go near it, it will miaow and wait for you to pat it.

So now it’s Monday. I’ve got quite a bit to do today (washing, cleaning etc) before work tomorrow. I think I should get started. I’ll probably post some more later today, but for now I’m going to put some laundry on

In one Chinese creation myth, two emperors decided to repay Chaos (Hun Dun) for his hospitality by giving him the bodily orifices, which he lacked. So they bored holes in his body, but killed him in the process. However, as Chaos died the ordered world came into being.

Oooooh I get it, because chaos went, order could exist. RIIIIIGHT! But chaos still exists… the entire world is chaos… just random, unconnected events!

My last blog was soooo emo. That reminds me – Rosie was talking about emo-ness last night, and about how there are different phases of the scene (I thought that Scene and Emo were two different social collectives, but then there were a lot of things I didn’t know). Rosie is in the phase where she’s not allowed to drink water. They usually like you to drink iced tea. I guess that’s why the emos… Sorry, Scene Kids just laze around all day – they’re all dehydrated and overloaded with sugar (that’s what makes them so sweet tee hee! NOT). Chris said, “so, is there a queen emo?” and Rosie said, “No, if anything it’s a king, and his name is Brent. Sometimes he’s called Brentality.” So Rosie’s on like phase 4 at the moment. You don’t HAVE to move up through the phases, so if you find a phase you like, you can stick to that. Phase 30 is Straight Edge. So hardly anyone ever reaches phase 30 I guess, because all I ever hear about the emos is them drinking on Friday night in TTP.

Also, there are apparently all different levels and groups of emos and scene kids. The most hardxcore ones are the ones that sit across from the Myer Centre, in the Queen Street Mall. I can’t remember their acronym, or what it stands for, but I do remember the one for the kids who sit in King George Square – they’re called the KGSSC (King George Square Super Crew). I’m pretty sure the ones in the Valley are called TVHG – The Valley Hardxcore Gang/group something or other.

Anyway, all very interesting. I’d like to find out more.

Emos have no concept of responsibility. As soon as something is difficult, an emo is nowhere to be found. As we were walking up the hill today, Rosie said “I don’t want to walk up this fucking hill.” But not in a resigned way that’s like, I hate walking up this hill but i know i have to do it to get home but more in a way that was like i hate walking up this hill and i am just waiting for something to come along so that i don’t have to. And she won’t brush her hair so she can get a job. I know that when I heard that song “Get a haircut and get a real job” I thought that it was just mocking conformists, but in all seriousness you really do need to just at least conform to their ideals for while you’re working, and then in your own time you can do what you want. Once you get a job, then test the limits a little bit and see how far you can go, but when you’re initially looking, an effort has to be made. Especially in customer service/sales assistant jobs, which is what all the emo kids would be looking for, if they’re looking for jobs at all and not just living off their parents. My god they’re going to DIE when they leave home and have to fend for themselves. They either curl into a ball and die, or they shed their emo ideals and start living in the real world. I understand this need to be yourself, to represent yourself and to live as you are and not to make apology for it, really I do. And I know that in a perfect world, you would be able to do that. But this is NOT a perfect world. It’s a shitty world. Emos should understand that most out of everyone, because they’re so SENSITIVE and FEELING.

Emoticons:

I will stop now before I cause more problems for myself than I already have. I”m sorry but I needed a rant.

In other news, Calumski & I went to see Nic and her brand new baby today after work. His name is Finn, and he was born last night by C-section, 9lbs. He was so beautiful! I’ve missed Nic, she lends a sort of calmness to the atmosphere at work. I held Finn and he was quiet and beautiful. I forgot to get photos. I am so vague right now. On the way up to the Mother’s hospital, Calum threw his cigarette butt into the bin and said “I don’t think that was fully out”. I said “Imagine if it lit the bin on fire, and they thought it was a bomb, and so they evacuated everyone, patients and everything, from the hospital.”

And when we got to the mother’s hopsital, we had just stepped inside and the fire alarm went off! Calum and I stood outside and laughed, and perved at the non-attractive firemen, and ate the free clinkers that the vending machine gave us. (It also gave me 60c extra change! yay.)

I am supposed to have an appointment with the Occupational Therapist, and I can’t remember when, and I think it’s tomorrow, but I can’t remember what time. Oh and also, after the *accident* with my arm, I went and got some x-rays done at (lol) “Savage X-ray”. I laugh because that name amuses me. I got to keep the x-rays this time, so I took pictures of them. They aren’t all that clear, because I had to turn the flash off and alwyas when I do that the camera switches to the “available light” mode and so therefore it has two shutter openings, and if you don’t keep the camera in the exact same spot for both then it goes blurry. Plus my one good arm is getting so tired of doing all the work that it’s sometimes shaky. Thank god it’s not too much longer til I get to leave my splint off. Though then I’ll have to be extra careful anyway… Ok. So here are the photos:

Robert has taken to calling me “Paperclip chick”, I think because one of the pieces of metal they put in there is shaped sort of like a paperclip. I don’t like the look of those pins that are sticking into the soft tissue between the radius and the ulna. I’m hoping that they do eventually take all that stuff out, once the bones have fully knit and healed. I hope I remember when my appointment is. I’ll have to call tomorrow morning.

I’ve been playing Norrath again now that i have some use of my hand back. I can only play for a short time and then my hand/wrist will get tired, and then i have to rest it for a while. I imported my character from my finished game, and started again from the beginning. My aim is to keep playing until I make an awesomely leveled character and then import her to Return to Arms. I like Dark Elf Shadowknight best of all, but I’m kind of regretting the fact that I didn’t name her something cool to start off with. Her name is “nit”. I dont’even remember doing that, but it might have been when I was just experimenting with the cheats to give the character a head-start with all attributes, not thinking I would continue playing with that character. I’m such a nerd. Anyway, this is my character, “nit”.

It’s a shit picture because I’m too dumb to figure out if I can hook my playstation up to my laptop, and if so, how to then take screenshots. So this is a photo taken with my digi on the tv. crapola.

I submitted my tax return forms last night, via e-tax. I really, really, really, really hope that they give me a fast refund. I’m destitute right now. I had to go into the bank today to withdraw the last $8.00 from my account. Calum was embarrassed of my povo-ness, and so he waiting outside. We only got paid last Wednesday, and don’t get paid again until next Wednesday boo hoo. I’m going to submit my holidays tomorrow, so that I can at least get leave loading and have a little bit extra money. We’re supposed to be going out this Friday night, for U-Rock celebration and Kirra’s birthday, and so I don’t know how that’s going to work. I definitely won’t be able to buy any new clothes for the occasion, nor for Legends night for that matter. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t go. To Legends, I mean, not Friday night. I wouldn’t miss that. Though the way this morning went, I just wanted to forget everything about it. Just crawl under a rock and not come out until next week. After Wednesday. And then go buy myself a sympathy present. Like an alice band. Those are awesome and I desperately want one, but I don’t have the money to buy one. They are $10.00 at Mombassa (highway robbery! but the nicest I have seen so far), $6.00 at Diva (but they don’t have the red dotty one that I like), and $5.00 at JayJays. I also want Smoosh’s album, but don’t have the moeny for that either.

These are some things that I will buy once I get my tax return (if I get back a decent amount):
* Rosie’s b’day cons
* $300 paid off my credit card
* $50 paid off Lauren
* $50 paid off Dinna’s vet bill
And that would be the majority of the money gone. Then i would maybe be able to get myself an alice band and the smoosh cd.

Here is a picture for Calum (continuing on from our imitations of pouncing cats, cats looking through windows at birds, and cats walking upstairs or jumping off a bed (prrrrrrp!))

Whew! So much stuff to say! Every time I went to write a blog, myspace was stuffed and I couldn’t! Frickin myspace. But I have now. So it’s all cool.

xxxooo

P.S. How good is bam? One more picture – for the bam.

Noelle: she is effervescent, happy, beautiful, FUN! She knows all the best Napoleon, SuperTroopers & Jack Handey quotes, plus some others that we made up
Rosie: She has zero tact, and can wear her pjyamas down to the store. Woot! Also she swears a lot, which I pretend to hate but find secretly amusing.
Lauren: She has a perfect tone of voice and facial expressions for telling secrets. She is incredibly creative with a high degree of talent
Nathan: he is made of angles and has buddy holly glasses. He introduces me to all my favourite bands. He knows a lot of random things.
John: His grandma called him just to tell him that he looked like Chris Rock, only white. His mannerisms are hilariously endearing
Kirra: She is an awesome human being. She buys great presents. She cries when she laughs, and has a mean V addiction
Chris I: he’s not afraid to admit to following what could be considered nerdy pursuits. He likes Tim Burton and has Star Wars action figures.
Robert: Is generous and reliable, not to mention laugh-out-loud funny. He also looks like a CGI character and answers all my stupid questions, and introduced me to angry german kid (LOL!)
Clare: She’s passionate & idealistic. Sometimes overzealous, but always with her heart in the right place.
Chris R: He’s like a recurring dream… every so often he just appears in a whirl of parties and craziness then slowly fades back into the woodwork.
Maria: worked with really odd people, and can do unreal impersonations.
Patience: She’s crazy, hyperactive and a grate singer (get it? haha! boom tish!)
The people across the road: sing loudly and off-tune to some music I didn’t know existed, and prevent me from being able to concentrate on this blog entry. Come to think of it, that’s not such a good thing.

Sorry everyone else who was not included on this because of the terrible noise coming from the house across the road, I love you all!

My left arm has a bruise on the shoulder that hasn’t come up yet, that i’m assuming is something i’ve done when i was drunk. But I didn’t know it was there until dad hit me on the shoulder at dinner tonight.

Dinner was good. Rosie started off angry & emo but then warmed to us and by the end of the meal she was actually laughing along with the rest of us, especially after Noelle told the fishface story.

hahahahaha

*/Edit*

I just read the little summary of me on my blog. It says that I am 23. Way to go Myspace, just plough right through the anticipation and excitement that impending birthdays bring! FYI, I am not 23 yet. Gimme a few more days (four more days to be exact, depending on whether you count the actual day of my birthday [I don’t]).

I’ve had a day filled to the brim with electronic materialistic bliss. First of all, I got a new laser printer (black & white because I am povvo). Then I got a new keyboard (to plug into my laptop because I hate not having a numerical keypad, and also sometimes my spacebar sticks and it’s not very responsive) and then when I got home, what was waiting for me? The replacement for my camera which was stolen by some stupid gypo in Rome. It’s so AWESOME! 7.1MP I love insurance. I mean, getting things stolen is horrible, but the good part about it is when you get it replaced by the insurance, they take the original price you paid for it and give you a replacement based on warehouse price, not retail! woot. Well. Maybe I’ve just been lucky.

Anyway, the downside to all this happiness was that I had to walk past the emos in the square like ten million times today. First on my way to the city for lunch, then on my way back to work from lunch, then on my way to the gym, then on my way back from the gym, then on my way to officeworks, then on my way back from officeworks. They’re so boring and predictable. OOh look at me! i can jump off a ledge on my skateboard, but can’t land!

Another good thing about today: opening day for the gym at it’s new location. And they have all nice new machines too! The bikes have little screens on them to make you feel like you’re riding on a track or something… I don’t know, I haven’t actually used them yet. But they’ve got some music channel on Fox up on the big screen, and it plays good songs, not the usual rap/hiphop/rnb/pop garbage they played from their dvd collection before. I’m so happy. It doesn’t matter since I have my Iriver anyway, but if they’re playing songs that I like then I can see the film clip as well, and have something to look at not just listen to.

Things that I have that would have made me jealous of myself a year ago:

Laptop
Flatscreen TV
PS2
DVD player
laser printer
Digital Camera
GHD
Iriver

Yay. I’m living beyond my means! woot! that was sarcasm btw.

I’m having too much fun typing on this keyboard. It’s so smooth and nice… ok. I’m going. now.

We saw Scary Movie 4 yesterday. The president’s speech was so funny. I really want either an MP3 of it, or a transcripted passage. The transcription would be better, seeing it down on the page without tone or inflection would be even funnier. It would be cold and unemotional, which the delivery was anyway, but even more so. Tomorrow it is back to work for meeeee. But at the end of that very short week it shall be….

*drumroll*

My birthday!

Yippee.

Plans have changed due to circumstances beyond my control. I’m not going to list them as being realistic would only prolong the mood I am currently in.

Why is everyone being so dumb at the moment?

No, not you Lauren & Nathan, or Noelle or Anna or Clare for that matter. Actually, it’s really not everyone, just a few select people. Or just a couple of select people. There. That’s two. Two is specific enough, I’ll not elaborate further.

We were watching the movie of the family guy last night. I love Stewie. I missed the American Office! Gah! Due to my own sleepiness. And Futurama was funny too… “Hey, look, it’s that guy that you are!” haha. Wow. I actually watched TV tonight. Don’t worry my dears, it won’t happen again! until next time that I just happen to be in front of the television with nothing to do when one of the few awesome shows that are broadcast on free-to-air television is on. And then i will watch.

Anyway. BYE EVERYONE! Especially those being dumb right now. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, WOULD YA?!

I met up with Noelle in the city today after I finished work at 1pm. We were supposed to be watching the St. Paddy’s day parade (which, for some reason, isn’t on St. Pat’s day but is on the week before) but it turned out that it finished at 12pm, so I was never going to be out in time for that anyway. We ran errands – which means we went shopping. I managed not to buy anything today – shock-horror! Ooops apart from groceries that is. We were trying to find some shoes for Noelle, but had no luck. Nothing that inspiring around. We picked up her photos though, and had a look through them while waiting for the bus.

There were so many emos crowding around near speakers corner in King George Square today. Some of them had letters on their shirts, and they started lining up so the words were spelling something. Noelle was shocked. “Those emos are organised emos!” She said. Luckily she had her camera, and was wearing emo clothes, so she went up and took a photo. Bold move! She got death stared by an emo for laughing at something one of them said. Also in King George Square, further down near the crossing to the mall, there were some evangelists with a recording playing from a boom box. We pondered over their definition of adultery for a minute, and pretended to look interested. I wanted one of them to come over to us and offer us one of their little pamphlets, then I could say, “hey, buddy, you’re preaching to the choir.” And it would be funny because he was preaching, even if I’m not in the choir. But I don’t like the evangelists. It’s like they’re trying to shove something down your throat, and I don’t think it’s worthwhile unless you come to the conclusion yourself that this is the road you need to be following. It’s not about someone telling you the right way to go – you’ve got to figure that out for yourself or you’ll never understand it from your own point of view. I said “JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED!” Which seems to be my catch cry at the moment, and Noelle said “Maybe they want to be judged, because they think they’re perfect, so that’s why they’re judging other people.” Which I hadn’t thought about before, but now it makes sense. Self-righteous sanctimonious ecclesiastical sycophants. Who’s judging who now? WHO’S PERFECT NOW?

Anyway, today was fun. Once I finished work that is. Work was boring boring boring. So boring you can’t even imagine. I was looking at my future holiday accrual balances, and I’m not sure if I should take extra days off after my holiday. I will need to book it in now, to make sure no one else takes the dates that I want to take! Melinda and I can’t be off at the same time, as there needs to be a mentor there. But what if we were both sick on the same day? They should be prepared for instances such as that. But apparently there shouldn’t be any jet-lag when I go to China because China is only two hours behind us, and the flight isn’t that long. I’m not having any of the food on the plane. I can hold out until I get to Shanghai. The plane food on the way home from London made me so sick, just thinking about it makes me feel slightly queasy. Yuck.

I’m up late again! But at least I can sleep in tomorrow YAY. Sleeeep. I love sleep.

So. Last night, instead of going to sleep, I wrote a whole stream of consciousness down on paper, and it makes no sense whatsoever. But this is what’s in my head.

Happiness is a bell ringing
At the back of your throat
And when you open your mouth
Shiny sounds tumble out!

Those who told you
“Life is lived through sunshine alone!”
Will stay silent when night falls
And they don’t know how to live!

I watched them all gather in a corner
Pronouncing us a lost cause
And, with a sigh, moving on.
Next order of business! …
Killing time!
Minute taker, take an hour
I’ve got no use for all this time
The day’s stretched out before me
Like a blank page
And me without a pen!

I followed the path but it
turned out to be a furrow in
a field of angry red flowers,
where I am standing, dismayed
and disenchanted.

I followed a path of angry followers on
an angry mission to rid the world
of amibvalence
Anything to feel something!

There was smoke curling in tendrils
From the corners of your mouth
You were on fire and I was
on the edge of my seat
But you are all burnt out and black inside.

That’s how I began.

Wait for the green to start over again, and
it will grow. It won’t become what you want it to be,
but I was much more impresed by the ending anyway.
Tell me again.

I drank too much tea today, and I feel like I start moving through strobe lights, staggered movements but really fast. Like stop-start-stop-start… except on fast forward. I’m so tired because I’ve been doing overtime for two whole weeks now, which is exhausting when I don’t get to bed until 11pm and wake up at 5am. I had to come home early yesterday and go to bed early, so I only did an hour extra. Almost not worth it. I’ve still got a cabcharge voucher because I forgot it the first night, caught the train, and it took me 40 minutes to walk home in the dark. It’s a nice walk though, so I don’t mind. Even in the dark it’s nice.

I got so tired day before yesterday at work that I made stupid mistakes and strongly berated myself for them. I burst into tears at one point because I was frustrated with how stupid I was. This was a combination of tiredness and thinking other stupid things (not work stupid things, but home stupid) that I had done which have been like constant storm clouds above my head, and I’m just waiting for the deluge. Kirra said I’m way too harsh on myself, that I should give myself a break, but I don’t think I deserve one. If I do something stupid, I have to acknowledge it because otherwise I can’t learn from it, and remember not to do that again. But I never learn. So what’s the point?

I get so frustrated with myself, because I can see where I go wrong, I can see it. I made a stupid, stupid, obvious mistake. It wasn’t a big mistake, just a little one that didn’t matter, but that makes it worse I think. How could I do that? How could I not see? Ugh. I’m such an idiot. I hate TV. It’s so loud and dominates whatever room it’s in. That’s fine if all you want to do is watch TV, but what if all you want to do is read? or write? or talk to someone? TV is selfish. I’m selfish so I guess I can’t really talk. Judge not lest ye be judged. Why have I been so judgmental?

Finally they had blue dye in stock, but now they have no black. If I had a store which sold things like that I’d make sure they were constantly there, and if they weren’t there, I’d put a little sign up which said, “sorry! This product is out of stock. We should have some more available ______” and i’d also let people put products on hold so they could get one as soon as they came in. It’s a guaranteed sale, people! I think it would be better if they put a sign up saying when they expected more to come in, because then I wouldn’t have to go searching all over the city or check back in every day and I could just come back to that shop the date it was supposed to come back in. I suppose that’s not a guarantee that it would be there, but it’s better than having no idea at all.

We saw the cutest boy in the city today. He had a long black coat on, not a trenchie (yuck), but sgt pepper style almost, and a jaunty little hat. He looked awesome. Some interesting news from my lunchtime boredom: Kim Jong-Il of North Korea has allowed the release of a love song – shock horror! And England has banned our “where the bloody hell are you?” tourism campaign ads – big surprise. Someone had to. Penny said they were just being precious, but that’s their prerogative. If our tourism industry wants to make ridiculous adverts, then they have every right to refuse them.

One of the spokespeople for the ads said something along the lines of “you can’t buy this publicity!” Like it was a really good thing. Everybody’s going to think we’re gutter-mouthed bimbos. The boys don’t get too bad a rap, but it’s as though women’s suffrage never happened. Everyone’s so misogynistic. I feel sad.

I want to see an ad broadcast internationally that features the following all-Australian themes: Emos sulking in black skinny-legs and red paintings or MCR shirts; the Cronulla racial riots (to add some excitement); Macquarie Fields (just cause); Street Hawkers closing in for the kill; 15 year-old mothers-to-be getting high on the Baby Bonus… I can’t think straight right now. I’m sure there are a million other Aussie clichés that could be used and would create a far more accurate portrayal of modern Australian life.

Anyway, today I felt much better after getting a decent nights sleep. And I was ready in time to catch the early bus, and for some reason my access card worked straight away when usually I have to wait until 6:30am… I’ll have to catch the train tomorrow because our bus doesn’t run that early on Saturdays. I can’t wait until this overtime is OVER. I can’t afford not to take it while it’s on offer, but it’s just so exhausting. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I went to bed at a reasonable hour, but I just can’t seem to. I go to bed and just lay there, awake, waiting to sleep, even though I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open. I never used to have trouble sleeping. I’ve got too many things running through my mind.

Kirra said that I bite so easily when people are stirring me up. I’m easily stirred up. It’s not that I take things seriously, because I know that people are just joking. It’s not like I go and sulk in a corner when people joke with me, though apparently I did sound really serious when I said “shut up!” to Nathan K, but that was only because he stood there for ages making chicken noises at me. He said “I thought you were braver than that.” And I said, “No, I’m really not.” though it’s not really fair because I didn’t have a choice It wasn’t like I could take the vote and use that as justification for sending the email.

Agh I’m falling asleep. That’s a sign to me that what I’m writing is boring. BORING! I have that sound in my head, of someone saying BORING but I’m not sure where it comes from. I think it’s just me.

I paid my deposit on my trip today. How exciting! That’s what I think of whenever I feel down. GREY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! Why do people say to me “SMILE!” when I am feeling sad? Why should I smile? That’s like lying. It’s a lie.

I like that “All these things that I’ve done” song by the Killers. I don’t know why. I like the words, though when you put them together they don’t seem to mean all that much.

I want to turn back time and have gone to sleep hours ago, not still be sitting here awake not being able to go to bed because I still want to keep listening to Modest Mouse which I haven’t listened to in ages, but how to start work early tomorrow? And how to cope with everything? And how to continue?

Sleeeeeeep sounds good right now.