Cynicism | casbot.com.au

I don’t want to try anymore

Mar 152006

I don’t know what to say … I’m wallowing.

People can be so rude, can’t they? They just think that however they feel is more important than how you feel.

Yeah, I’m good at that too.

I feel like nothing I do at the moment has any point… nothing I do ever leads to anything. Nothing I do has any purpose. And nothing I do is what I want to do. I don’t want to not know where I’m going, I don’t want to be disinterested in everything… I don’t want to cause people to say, “She’s too difficult” and forget about me. I would rather be a privilege than a responsibility. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. I’m such a pessimist. It’s never going to happen.

Josh once said that he saw me as walking around in the deep, dark woods, with no direction and nothing to guide me, and there was a big wall around the woods that was keeping me trapped in there. But he also saw me climbing over that wall and making my way out into the sunlight. I don’t think that’s going to happen either.

I just want one thing to be easy for once. And I know that some people might say that I make things difficult for myself, but I don’t know another way. If you suck at being you, then there’s not much hope for anything else you might try, is there? How pathetic.

Everything I write lately has been marked by an underlying note of depression. Yuck. It’s insidious, and makes my mind go to dark places. What’s wrong with me?

Sweetheart, your feelings are more important of course

Angst, Cynicism, Emo, Food, Friends, Health, Money, Music, Politics, Shopping, Travel, TV, United Kingdom, Work 1 Response »

Mar 102006

I’m so tired, and feeling sick.

I drank too much tea today, and I feel like I start moving through strobe lights, staggered movements but really fast. Like stop-start-stop-start… except on fast forward. I’m so tired because I’ve been doing overtime for two whole weeks now, which is exhausting when I don’t get to bed until 11pm and wake up at 5am. I had to come home early yesterday and go to bed early, so I only did an hour extra. Almost not worth it. I’ve still got a cabcharge voucher because I forgot it the first night, caught the train, and it took me 40 minutes to walk home in the dark. It’s a nice walk though, so I don’t mind. Even in the dark it’s nice.

I got so tired day before yesterday at work that I made stupid mistakes and strongly berated myself for them. I burst into tears at one point because I was frustrated with how stupid I was. This was a combination of tiredness and thinking other stupid things (not work stupid things, but home stupid) that I had done which have been like constant storm clouds above my head, and I’m just waiting for the deluge. Kirra said I’m way too harsh on myself, that I should give myself a break, but I don’t think I deserve one. If I do something stupid, I have to acknowledge it because otherwise I can’t learn from it, and remember not to do that again. But I never learn. So what’s the point?

I get so frustrated with myself, because I can see where I go wrong, I can see it. I made a stupid, stupid, obvious mistake. It wasn’t a big mistake, just a little one that didn’t matter, but that makes it worse I think. How could I do that? How could I not see? Ugh. I’m such an idiot. I hate TV. It’s so loud and dominates whatever room it’s in. That’s fine if all you want to do is watch TV, but what if all you want to do is read? or write? or talk to someone? TV is selfish. I’m selfish so I guess I can’t really talk. Judge not lest ye be judged. Why have I been so judgmental?

Finally they had blue dye in stock, but now they have no black. If I had a store which sold things like that I’d make sure they were constantly there, and if they weren’t there, I’d put a little sign up which said, “sorry! This product is out of stock. We should have some more available ______” and i’d also let people put products on hold so they could get one as soon as they came in. It’s a guaranteed sale, people! I think it would be better if they put a sign up saying when they expected more to come in, because then I wouldn’t have to go searching all over the city or check back in every day and I could just come back to that shop the date it was supposed to come back in. I suppose that’s not a guarantee that it would be there, but it’s better than having no idea at all.

We saw the cutest boy in the city today. He had a long black coat on, not a trenchie (yuck), but sgt pepper style almost, and a jaunty little hat. He looked awesome. Some interesting news from my lunchtime boredom: Kim Jong-Il of North Korea has allowed the release of a love song – shock horror! And England has banned our “where the bloody hell are you?” tourism campaign ads – big surprise. Someone had to. Penny said they were just being precious, but that’s their prerogative. If our tourism industry wants to make ridiculous adverts, then they have every right to refuse them.

One of the spokespeople for the ads said something along the lines of “you can’t buy this publicity!” Like it was a really good thing. Everybody’s going to think we’re gutter-mouthed bimbos. The boys don’t get too bad a rap, but it’s as though women’s suffrage never happened. Everyone’s so misogynistic. I feel sad.

I want to see an ad broadcast internationally that features the following all-Australian themes: Emos sulking in black skinny-legs and red paintings or MCR shirts; the Cronulla racial riots (to add some excitement); Macquarie Fields (just cause); Street Hawkers closing in for the kill; 15 year-old mothers-to-be getting high on the Baby Bonus… I can’t think straight right now. I’m sure there are a million other Aussie clichés that could be used and would create a far more accurate portrayal of modern Australian life.

Anyway, today I felt much better after getting a decent nights sleep. And I was ready in time to catch the early bus, and for some reason my access card worked straight away when usually I have to wait until 6:30am… I’ll have to catch the train tomorrow because our bus doesn’t run that early on Saturdays. I can’t wait until this overtime is OVER. I can’t afford not to take it while it’s on offer, but it’s just so exhausting. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I went to bed at a reasonable hour, but I just can’t seem to. I go to bed and just lay there, awake, waiting to sleep, even though I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open. I never used to have trouble sleeping. I’ve got too many things running through my mind.

Kirra said that I bite so easily when people are stirring me up. I’m easily stirred up. It’s not that I take things seriously, because I know that people are just joking. It’s not like I go and sulk in a corner when people joke with me, though apparently I did sound really serious when I said “shut up!” to Nathan K, but that was only because he stood there for ages making chicken noises at me. He said “I thought you were braver than that.” And I said, “No, I’m really not.” though it’s not really fair because I didn’t have a choice It wasn’t like I could take the vote and use that as justification for sending the email.

Agh I’m falling asleep. That’s a sign to me that what I’m writing is boring. BORING! I have that sound in my head, of someone saying BORING but I’m not sure where it comes from. I think it’s just me.

I paid my deposit on my trip today. How exciting! That’s what I think of whenever I feel down. GREY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! Why do people say to me “SMILE!” when I am feeling sad? Why should I smile? That’s like lying. It’s a lie.

I like that “All these things that I’ve done” song by the Killers. I don’t know why. I like the words, though when you put them together they don’t seem to mean all that much.

I want to turn back time and have gone to sleep hours ago, not still be sitting here awake not being able to go to bed because I still want to keep listening to Modest Mouse which I haven’t listened to in ages, but how to start work early tomorrow? And how to cope with everything? And how to continue?

Sleeeeeeep sounds good right now.

The illimitable loathing of the blanched bones hanging in my cupboard

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Feb 262006

I am wrong in judging people. And I am wrong to feel so angry. I can’t give advice on things that I don’t fully understand. And I hardly understand ANYTHING. I feel sick from eating junk today. From never drinking soft drink to having three bottles of coke zero… and I don’t even really like it that much. I’ve got so many chemicals in my system right now and I just feel terrible.

I am tired, and was tired before, and it’s hot, and I feel sick, and everything has just culminated in one huge feeling of not wanting to exist. I feel so helpless, for Noelle, who has just had the ending of her neverending relationship. It’s been a long time coming. But the person who provided the finality has just been such a complete fucking selfish asshole about things (there it is – the most swearing you will ever hear uttered from my keyboard) and decided he “didn’t want to deal with it” until he was forced to, which was tonight. I mean, what a freaking joke. How can all of your intentions never actually come to anything? How can you intend to do so many things? How can you treat your friends better and with more respect and more of your time than your so-called girlfriend? I’m sorry, but most guys have things completely messed up. Girls are not a part-time job. They’re not something you just deal with so you can get laid once in a while.

Agh. I have to stop before I rant on.

So we went to Tropfest tonight. We had a BBQ by the sandy pool (oh sorry, I mean beach) of Southbank, and then watched the short films. Apparently Tropfest has the biggest audience of any film festival in the world (this little fact provided by Noelle) due to the simulcasts all over Australia (Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane…). The films were good. One, called “Fishy” was so disturbing I had my hands over my eyes for some of it, half hating and half loving the macabre unreality of it. The end was confusing. I think I got the point (somewhat) but Noelle’s conclusion was so different to mine that I have to wonder. She just hated it, as did Clare. And Clare said, “I know people like you, that like things that disturb you, but you’re nice at the same time, and the other people I know aren’t.” As if liking scary movies immediately makes you the scum of the earth, and anyone who isn’t becomes a curiosity. We missed out on the second half due to the end of the end of the end for Noelle, who was beset by such a profound and encompassing grief (stemming from a conversation with asshole mentioned earlier that left her shattered) that we left immediately.

I hope that Noelle doesn’t let this drag her down forever. I hope that her vibrancy and effervescence and positive energy aren’t marred permanently by the actions of one selfish individual. But it really was the best thing that could have happened. If it went on and on like it had been, then maybe it would set in Noelle the notion that she was only worth as much as he would give her: in time, energy, love…. And she is worth so much more.

And now I’m up far later than I intended, and I have work tomorrow and I’m going to be TIRED along with feeling like crap. At least it’s only another two days until payday (though having no money hasn’t stopped me from spending it). Overtime all this week, plus Saturday. I’m not going to bail on any of it, because I really need the money. The government is going to love me for all the tax they’ll get next week… And for the fact that though I intend on studying very soon I do not intend on quitting my job to do it. And so therefore I’ll still be paying my own way through everything, therefore not asking for any Austudy, therefore no government handouts. I don’t want anything from the government, I could never take something from something/persons that I respect so little. Although I have in the past.

It’s strange, but although there are so many people denouncing the current governing party, they’ve had nothing but wins since I’ve been old enough to vote. How does that happen? I loved that, on Glasshouse the other night, when the American guy said, “You guys get fined if you don’t vote!?” And Dave Hughes said, “Yeah, but you guys get George Bush.” Yeah, but then we get a weedy little idiot who copies George Bush’s every move. So we’re in just as deep as the US in everything. And the stores fill up with American goodies, and everyone wears American fashion, and do you even have to make an effort to put on an American accent? And gosh, I’m sorry, are we spelling recognise with a “z” now? (is that pronounced zed or zee? But I’ve never agreed with the Australian pronunciation of that one anyway). When people overseas mistake Australians for Americans, couldn’t that just be an unintentional comment on our current social & political situation?

I don’t want that to sound like I’m being racist. America is like the obnoxious bully kid at school who’s popular but nobody knows why, and Australia is the young impressionable kid desperately seeking approval from someone who looks like they might be established in a complicated hierarchy. So we’ve chosen our side, and our role model, and though it now occurs that might not have been the best decision, how embarrassing would it be for us to now change our minds! No one seems to want to anyway. What a rort that was – WMD. And the fact that everyone knows the acronym (I guess Team America helped with that)… What a joke. How anyone could think it wasn’t about the oil… The world is bought and sold a million times over and the most important person is always the one with the biggest piece of pie. So I guess now is the time for me to clarify that I mean the United States Government, not the people (because I don’t believe that the election of the Bush Administration by majority of the vote was an actual event, that there wasn’t foul play afoot).

Anyway, what can I do about it? Nothing. So what’s the point of me ranting about it? Best answer being there is no point, but if ever anything I did had a point I’d be highly surprised. Could someone get me a ladder so I can get down off this high horse?

I don’t want to be expected to be the person people expect me to be

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Feb 192006

A select quote from Noelle this evening:

“Frankfurt is industrial because there, buildings exist.”

I need to tidy my room. Back six days and my room’s a mess. Tomorrow is the one week anniversary of us returning home and I hate the life that existed before that I’ve now got to settle back into. I hate it.

But what can I do? I don’t want to be the person that everyone remembers me as. Don’t get me wrong, I know I haven’t changed that much, and at least not fundamentally, but there are things that are different and I don’t want to fall into playing the role that I played before I left just because other people expect that of me. I know that happens – someone treats you a certain way, and that’s the way you act because that’s the way they treat you. Or people treat you that way because that’s how you act. It’s a circle turning around and around and around and around and never stops unless you jump out and then you might get hurt because it’s going so fast. You might end up somewhere you don’t know where you are, and is it better to know who you are through the way other people act towards you than not knowing who you are at all?

When I came home, and tried to turn certain lights on in the house, I thought, “wow, I’ve been away five weeks and forgotten which switch turns on which light.” but then tonight I realised that I never knew which switch turned on which light, and I’ve always just turned them on until I find the right one. Then again, when we came home I HAD forgotten where the plates were kept, and where the bowls were, and in looking for them I found a cupboard with little bottles of herbs and spices that I never knew were there. So it was a good thing. But that wasn’t my point. I think my point was stupid anyway, so I’ll just forget about it.

Nathan & Lauren said to me today, “When are you going to write a book?”, like it was something that I’d planned on doing but had been neglecting, like washing up or going grocery shopping. And where did this question come from? And the conversation lasted ages, where they were convincing me it was a good idea. It’s not that I don’t think it’s a good idea, it’s just not that easy, and where on earth has this all come from anyway? Because if I had said to Lauren, “When are you going to write a book?”, it would be an odd question. But why is this a normal question for them to ask me?

I love The Strokes. Nathan made me watch a documentary on Punk music today, and I loved it. I love it. So many things I didn’t know. Then I watched some Harvey Birdman, but it’s just not as funny watching it by yourself. We were watching a Tenacious D DVD and the short films on there were just disgusting, like really, really foul. I felt like throwing up watching them. But they were funny, in a shocking kind of way. Shocking funny.

Noelle came home later on, and we had a big conversation about how difficult it is coming back from such a huge, amazing experience and having to fit back into ordinary life. There are some changes that must be made. I can no longer be part of this ordinary life. Not now that I know there is so much more out there. I don’t mean that I am going to run off and join the circus or anything, but I do need to do something to challenge my mind, which I am not really doing at the moment (So why don’t you write a book?) Shhhh! that keeps running through my head! I’m not writing a book. Why do I have to write a book?

Why??? I want an answer for every single question I could ever ask. That would make me feel better. I want to know everything. That’s what I said before I had been fully trained up at work. “I want to know everything, I want to learn everything.” And now? I want to know MORE. I want to know everything about the things that I want to know about, that have nothing to do with work, nothing to do with interest rates and accounts and loan servicing capacity, and loan to value ratios, and products, and corporate dress codes, and meetings, and process changes, and stamp duty, and word and excel and powerpoint and outlook and going forward… and reminders and message flags and importance and allocations and stats and performance reviews… AGH! I’m just NOT INTERESTED!

In Greystones, in Ireland, we were standing in the street when some man burst out of the shop across the road (which was called something ambiguous but we found out later that it was like a TAB) and ran up to us with flushed cheeks and nervous eyes and said, “Could I borrow a euro?”, and we said “Oh no, we’re fresh of the plane, we haven’t converted any, all we have are pound coins.” And he said, “Well I could take a pound coin, I could use that!” And then when Lauren & Noelle were umming and ah-ing about what to say next, I said “What is it for? What do you actually want the money for?” and he said “I’m looking out for a friend.” Which means absolutely nothing, because how on earth could a one pound coin help anyone look out for their friend? And I felt annoyed because he couldn’t be forthright, and still expected us to give him something when he couldn’t even give the truth. That story doesn’t have a point either I guess. It’s like a guy I used to work with once came back from lunch and said that a homeless person outside our building had said to him, “Can I have two dollars for a sandwich?” And he had replied, “well, what kind is it first of all? I want to know if it’s something I like before I buy it off you.”

What am I doing up at 1:30am on a Sunday morning? Well, nothing, obviously. I’m sitting here doing absolutely nothing (certainly not writing a book, in case Nathan & Lauren are still wondering over that). I’m not tired, because I’ve had three cups of tea this afternoon, which is probably the equivalent of shooting myself in the foot as far as getting back on track with our time zone is concerned. Noelle & I are going into the city tomorrow afternoon. She wants to dye the underneath of her hair a black-violet. I want to be who I want to be without worrying about corporate standards. But I’m not going to worry about it any more, because it doesn’t matter. How can I be disaffected when I let myself be affected by everything? I so want to be disaffected. I could wallow in my own apathy, and say “Look, I DON’T CARE about

ANYTHING!!!” That would be so good.

I don’t CARE! (And I’m not writing a book right now).

Untitled

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Feb 152006

There was a quote in our French room at high school that said, “How can I know what I think ’til I see what I say?” and what does this mean? And why do I remember it still?

I realised this morning that yesterday morning seemed so hot because I was up later than i usually am, and so was waiting at the bus stop later than i usually am (there was even a school kid there!) so the sun had already had a chance to start baking everything. Today I was up earlier, so at the bus stop earlier (though still not as early as I had intended, because things are generally stupid right now) and so it wasn’t as hot. But then again it’s not a fair comparison, because last night it rained so of course it’s going to be cooler today than it was yesterday. It rained again this morning, but by that time I had already been at work for about an hour and a half. But when I went out at lunch time (I had a lunch hour today! Everything’s all skewiff) it was hot and steamy because the sun had come out again, and sucked up all the water that had been in the footpaths and the grass etc, into the air. I hope that it rains again this afternoon, preferably when I’m walking home, because that would be very appropriate I think.

I just emailed Melinda for a list of contact numbers, and she emailed me back the list, which was from an email that I originally sent out months ago. Derrrr I’m such an idiot!

So I’ve sorted out all my cards now… I think… I’m so flat broke, due to getting a fortnightly pay of only a week’s worth of wages because the last week of my holidays was on LWOP (leave without pay. I don’t understand why the acronym includes the O from without, because it’s not like it’s the start of a word or anything. Is without a composite word? or something else entirely? is racecar a composite word or a palindrome?) And I have to live off my weeks pay for two weeks. These are desperate times, people.

Kirra is away today and I am so lonesome! So lonesome and bored. I listened to my MP3 but it distracted me, because the music is just too good. If I listen to it again I’ll start tapping my pen on the desk and someone will get annoyed no doubt. I’ll bet that Stephen is glad Kirra is away, I know that before I left he was getting annoyed by the noise level coming from our side of the wall. But then apparently I was greatly missed when I was gone – I thought he’d be relieved he didn’t have to listen to us for five weeks. I don’t know why we were put next to each other – anyone could see that this would be an obvious distraction! I can’t form my sentences properly and I’m making no sense, I know. At least I know what I’m talking about, and that’s all that matters isn’t it? Melinda said that we should go down the coast for a weekend for my birthday. That sounds like fuuun.

This is going to sound ridiculous, but it’s cold in here. I am cold, and wishing that I had a jacket or long-sleeved something or other. How quickly i have become used to this horrible weather . I want to move to Greenland and live like an eskimo, except for the part where you have to eat fish all the time. And also I heard a story about an eskimo baby that was born while they were out somewhere away from their camp, and so to keep the baby warm enough they killed a polar bear, cut it’s stomach open, and put the baby inside. Sometimes when I hear the word “eskimo”, I think, “they could be saying Esk Emo”. I don’t know too much about the people that live there, but it doesn’t seem like the type of community that would spawn anything even resembling an emo. (The Esk that I am referring to here is the one in Queensland). I don’t think I’ve ever been there. Once we went for a drive up to Wivenhoe Dam, and then through Crows Nest Shire (I think that’s what it’s called) and Wivenhoe was brown and everything was dead. there was this hard grass that felt like jagged rocks, and magpies everywhere. Then, when we got further up into the hills above the dam, gradually the countryside became greener. And then we discovered this little retreat hidden away in the hills. It was so beautiful up there. The air was cool and clear, the grass and trees were lush and green… the owners had built houses that you could rent for a weekend or longer. It hadn’t been there long (things were still being finished) but already they were totally booked out for the holiday season. I had never seen it advertised anywhere (still haven’t).

We had coffee on the balcony in the sun, looking out over valleys with green green grass and trees and lakes. Then we drove back home, and the further down we went, the duller everything became. Brown and grey and boring and sad.

I am overwhelmed. By being back at work and ordinary life and everything. Ordinary life is horrible.

Back to the beginning, and I’m really no better off…

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Feb 042006

So we leave for Berlin tomorrow morning. It will be interesting being back in a country that doesn’t speak English. Also, it’s going to be far more cold than any place we’ve been so far – including Munich and Venice (Munich should have been the coldest, but Venice nearly killed me), because Berlin is further north. First port of call when we reach Berlin should be a bank, so that i can use my dumb card to get some dumb money. Because the dumb gypo stole my dumb wallet in dumb rome. Plus I want to buy many things, many many things my pretties.

I am sad, sad, sad, sad. In the emotional sense and also in the… moral sense? Is that what people mean when they say “you’re sad” as an insult? I guess it never really made much of an impact when it was ever said to me, since I obviously don’t understand to what it refers. Sad.

That might be the first emoticon i’ve used in my blog, and it might not. I can’t stand reading those blogs that are written in running-writing (read: cursive) font and have emoticons in the place of words.

But do not judge lest ye be judged so each to their own i suppose. Sorry dumb running-writing picture blog people, I didn’t mean to offend you. And I can’t really talk because I haven’t written in my blog for quite some time, and am unable to update my picture gallery because the dumb gypo stole my dumb camera in dumb rome.

Where are all the things that I never took for granted because they weren’t really there? I want them NOW. Aggggh! Can’t we just play “you guess what I’m thinking, then I don’t tell you whether you’re right or you’re wrong and you’re just left to wonder because that’s life”? I say such dumb things. Dumb and sad. I am dumb and sad. I would like to state the obvious but I think that’s just too much.

So I said before but I’m going to reiterate – it’s going to be freeeeezing in Berlin. I hope i’m going to be warm enough. We’re not taking our suitcases – just our backpacks, and God knows we can’t fit many warm clothes in there. So we’ll be re-wearing our re-worn clothes again. I have stockings galore and also jackets and a beanie, and they told us that we would need earmuffs, of all things! I have never been told to wear earmuffs in my entire life! I don’t have earmuffs, I would not even know where to start looking for earmuffs. At least I have my warm warm gloves, as if that’s going to make any difference. My beanie has bits that go over your ears, because it ties up under my chin so I think that should be fine. Maybe they want us to cover our ears so that we don’t have to listen to people crap on all the time.

Well then we should just get earplugs, and they shouldn’t go overboard and tell us to get earmuffs! really!

We’re going to see a castle when we get back, a real, live castle! I mean, not live (the hills are alive… no they’re not, they’re just dirt and grass you stupid woman) but real in any case. We’re also going to see Stonehenge, and Bath. We were going to see Wind in the Willows, but now I think not because of time constraints etc. I think we’re going to see a show in London with Ruth, and Dave & Simone. We’ll get cheap tickets to something or other, doesn’t really matter since there’s nothing I’m that desperate to see.

Time for me to go to bed I think. Lauren just tried to steal my diary. The nerve!

Sad, sad, sad.

If you could hear everything they thought I bet you would wish that they’d just shut up

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Aug 042005

I’m not in the mood to write. Haven’t been in the mood for quite some time. That’s probably why there’s so much shit in my head, there’s no outlet for it. I always feel better after I write… clearer. But at the moment it’s so difficult to write that it’s almost painful. I don’t feel like writing about the usual everyday things that happen, but i have nothing else to write about. Everything that happens is usual. I wish something would happen that is unusual. I’d like to be put in an awkward situation just to freakin’ FEEL something for a change. I’m living in a sensory deprivation tank. When everything was happening in London, I was almost willing something similar to happen here, just to break the monotony, change the way people look at things. We’re so medicated here… our culture, our society, serves to cushion us. We’re cocooned in cotton wool, no one knows how much shit goes on around the world. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t wish anyone dead… NOT AT ALL. When it’s your time, it’s your time. That’s all there is to it. Choirs of angels don’t sing, usually you don’t open your eyes one last time to utter your final, meaningful sentence to a tearful loved-one standing conveniently close-by. Fuck Hollywood. Oh how dark and brooding of me! How clichéd! (Don’t begrudge me the lack of an accent on the e. I know not how to do this without opening character map and i’m too fucking rantish to do it).

Anyway. that’s all. hate me.

If you’re bored then you’re boring…

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May 242005

aaah… I am just revelling in being at home tonight. Last night I went straight from work over to Kristy’s, and we went from there to the movies, and I only got home at about 9:45pm and went straight to bed. I don’t like not having time to unwind and relax. Not that going to the movies wasn’t relaxing, but … oh well. i think i’m too attached to comfort zones I love my room (especially now that it’s tidy again, it feels 10 times bigger) and i love my laptop (i will have to take it for a trip into the city soon so it gets to use it’s wireless capabilities on the crappy our.brisbane provider). And I’m really comfortable right now in my felix pyjamas. theyre really cute. so maybe i’m too attached to material possessions and i need to take a break in some buddhist retreat to break my attachment to the physical world – because you can’t reach nirvana if you’re still pining after those awesome new cons or the latest version of your favourite jeans just released in a new wash ^_^

Well. whatever. I’m far too content right now to mind. Rosie is stressing about her job, it’s too difficult for her apparently. I think she has a skewed idea of what work actually is. it’s not meant to be fun. I won’t say any more about it in case she reads this and gets angry at me, but… meh. i don’t want to argue with someone over what they should or shouldn’t be doing, it’s definitely not my place to say.

a friend of mine today at work (who often irritates me so much that i wish i didn’t know her) was going on about her friend. I’ll start at the very beginning (a very good place to start). Her friend, who we shall call Tree, found out a couple of weeks ago that she is pregnant. She told her boyfriend, and they spoke to both their parents about it. They talked the whole thing over, but in the end it was Tree’s decision as to whether she wanted to keep the baby. Tree is 23 (not to young to have a baby i know, but it depends on the person) and she has only been going out with her boyfriend for 4 months. It’s a pretty stressful situation to be in. So my friend was going on about how she was really excited that she would get to be an aunty (not by blood of course, just a term for the way she would feel i guess) but that she knew Tree and didn’t think she would be able to hack it and knew she’d just chicken out. That was the first thing that kind of irked me. Anyway, today my friend came over and said that Tree had made her decision, that she wasn’t keeping the baby and had booked in for an appointment for a termination. She started on about how she had gone off at her, telling her she was selfish, had disappointed everyone who was getting so excited about it, was letting everyone down, better open up her eyes and start living in the real world etc. I just turned around as soon as she started saying this and stared at the computer. it made me so mad. I hate conflict and so I didn’t want to tell her exactly what i thought, but then she finished and said “ok well seeya later then” and i said “hang on a minute. you’re just going to say all of that and then walk away?” and she said “you weren’t listening – what did i say?” so i relayed to her what she had basically just said, and then said “it’s not about you or anyone else, it’s about her. It’s her decision, if she does not feel capable of doing it, and doesn’t feel strong enough or whatever, then it’s probably for the best that she doesn’t.” what i felt like saying was “you’re the selfish one for making it all about you and your stupid expectations.. it’s like she has a baby and wow everything’s wonderful a new family!” she’s the one not living in reality. GRRR. then she said “and she doesn’t realise that doing this will change her life, it’s like a huge change and will alter everything for her” which is what I had said to her about Tree having the baby, just yesterday!!! She was using almost exact phrasing I had used, but instead of referring to having a baby as a life changer, she was referring to the termination as changing her life! Agh!!!!! she has no idea. I’m so mad. She’s fun to hang out with when she’s not spouting her opinions on things, but as soon as she gets up on her soapbox, i’d rather be anywhere than there, listening to her shitty, dogmatic unrealistic ideals. It makes me hate her. and i dislike myself for not being able to tell her what i’m thinking really, in no uncertain terms.

Well. lunch tomorrow with Noelle. We’re going to Nandos, then having chai for dessert. We’ve been meaning to do chai for a while now, and tomorrow’s good because noelle has just been on a conference all weekend so she’ll be able to tell me all about it.

We had team lunch today at O’Malley’s, it was pretty good. Team leader wasn’t there, and everyone had a drink with their lunch. Brooke and I had vodka lemon lime & bitters. I think i should learn to like beer, because when you’re at a party, the good stuff runs out real quick and there’s always beer left. it’s cheap too. But vodka’s my drink i like vodka, i’m used to it, it goes well with anything because as soon as you mix it with something, it takes on the flavour of whatever it’s in. At chris’s party on sunday night he was telling me about long island iced tea, and that it was the best thing he’s ever tasted but you have to remind the person to put crushed mint leaves in the bottom. I want to try one. After team lunch I didn’t really get anything done.

i want to call my laptop felix. that’s one of the names I want to call one of my kids, when i eventually have them. It could be boy or girl, doesn’t matter. Felix is a cool name. I also like Elliott, for a girl’s name. Melinda was saying today that when she has kids she wants to have twins, because there’s two done in one go. I want twins too, then they’d always have someone their age, they wouldn’t be so scared when they start school etc. It’s dumb that i’m thinking about it since I definitely won’t be having kids any time soon. Maybe when i’m like… 28-30. depends how life goes i suppose. I want to go to uni, get a job doing something i really like, know the person i am with is the right one etc.

Anyway. Simpsons calls.

Help me find my head… I think it was in the clouds

Angst, Cynicism, Family, Friends, Love No Responses »

Jan 012002

Sometimes I think that I am just so different from other girls my age that there’s no way we will ever relate to each other. If that is true, then who can I relate to? It certainly feels true sometimes. Some things I understand about girls my age, things I also go through, such as self-consciousness, crushes, and maybe even shallowness. But these things for me are only temporary states of mind, tiny inconsistencies that breeze through my life now and again. What I don’t understand is how other girls my age take it to the next level… why? Why do you hate your body so much you avoid looking in the mirror when you undress to have a shower? Why do you go all out to get a guy, pretend to be someone that you’re not, so he’ll like you? In the end you just realise that you don’t even like the guy, and he doesn’t like you for who you are because from the start you weren’t yourself. And why, why, why, why do you try to make other people feel low because they don’t look like you, don’t want to look like you, and don’t care if they’re not wearing the right brand of clothes or the right shade of make up? That is the thing I hate the most. Superficiality and shallowness when it hurts other people.

I always look in the mirror when I’m naked, even when I’m having a ‘fat’ day. (I’ve been having a few of them since christmas). I would even go so far as to say I like looking in the mirror. I like me, knowing that this body is mine. I can do whatever I like to personalise it, dye my hair, get a tattoo… It’s entirely up to me. Why hurt yourself with negative self-talk that just compounds your insecurities? The little voice inside your head that tells you that you’re not worth it, not good enough etc, is controlled by you. If you want to, you can make it turn around and say you are worth it, you are good enough, you’re everything you need to be. It’s like programming a computer, but no one seems to know this because they think they deserve this kind of negativity and self-loathing.

I never pretend to be someone I’m not to get a guy. I love being me, just waiting to see if there is someone else who loves me being me… it’s not narciscism, it’s simply common sense. I don’t love myself so much that it impedes on my ability to love other people. I love all my friends, my family, and some people I only know as acquaintances. Maybe I’ll get to know them better this year and I can love them as friends too.

I never, ever pay people out in search of a way to make me feel better about myself. That is the most illogical thing I have ever heard. How is that ever going to make you feel better about yourself? you’re just going to feel guilty for being such a bitch.

I’m not normal. I don’t care that other people don’t wear cool clothes, or make up, or don’t talk the ‘right’ way. Who are these people that I’m not like? that I can’t relate to? Their lives must be so sad.

Summer storm inspiring me to participate in these surveys… ^_^

Angst, Books, Christmas, Cynicism, Family, Friends, Movies, TV No Responses »

Dec 162001

1. IF YOU COULD GO BACK AND GIVE BIRTH TO YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOU? I find saskia pretty unusual, and i always think it suits me for some reason… yeah. saskia.

2. WHAT TWO ADJECTIVES WOULD YOU USE TO DESCRIBE THE FOLLOWING:

YOUR INTELLECT: useful, interesting
YOUR SEX LIFE: boring, fucked (ha… how ironic)
YOUR ATTITUDE: weird, happy
YOUR SPIRITUALITY: personal, original
YOUR PASSIONS: beautiful, individual
YOUR FAMILY: unique, brilliant
YOUR FRIENDS: great but absent

3. TO GET RIGHT TO THE MEAT…IF YOU HAD THE OPTION OF BUMPIN UGLIES WITH ANYONE YOU KNOW PERSONALLY…WHO WOULD IT BE? I really don’t understand the whole ‘bumpin uglies’ term. but um… at the moment, i don’t know anyone well enough to want to ‘bump uglies’ with… ask me last week and i would have said… oh you don’t want to know

ANY MUSICIAN? anyone tall, dark, cute… with olive skin and beautiful eyes… who fits that description? I don’t really take that much notice of what musicians look like… i’m too busy listening to their music

ANY ACTOR? Oh yeah, Logan from dark angel… michael weatherly. Or Hugh Jackman.. he is sooo sexy.

ANY WRITER? That would be a bit sad wouldn’t it? the only male writers that I admire (whose books I read) are much too old.

4. IF YOU COULD BRING ANYONE BACK FROM THE DEAD TO DO THE HORIZONTAL BOP WITH, WHO WOULD IT BE? ew… bring people back from the dead? that sounds gross…necrophaelia or something…

5. IF YOU COULD REPLACE ANY MEMBER OF ANY BAND, DEAD OR LIVING, WHOSE PLACE WOULD YOU TAKE? I wouldn’t want to replace any members of a band.. except for if the person i was replacing was really bad and it would be an improvement… but that’d be embarrassing. My non-existent reputation would really take a beating.

6. IF YOU COULD LIVE THE LIFE OF ANY CHARACTER IN ANY MOVIE, WHOSE LIFE WOULD YOU LIVE? I’m going to cheat in this one… i want to be max from the dark angel pilot episode, which was also released as a single movie… or else i’d want to be jen from crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

ANY BOOK? I’d love to be Sayuri from Memoirs of a Geisha, just to wear all those beautiful Kimino…
ANY TV SHOW? Max from DARK ANGEL! stupid question… To make it a bit more interesting, i’d also like to be maya from just shoot me… the whole journalism thing attracts me… but i wouldn’t be so annoyingly moralistic

7. IF YOU WERE TO TITLE YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD THE TITLE BE? “The essence of Mary”… or “I narrowly missed a bear” or “I’m not a bad driver – these are just my oranges”

8. WHAT SONG, IF ANY, IS SO PERSONAL TO YOU THAT YOU COULD HAVE WRITTEN IT? Bic Runga, Sway… I always relate so well to that song.. especially if i have a crush on someone when i hear it… ^_^

9. WHAT MOVIE, IF ANY, DO YOU WISH YOU HAD WRITTEN? Hmm.. tough one. Oh, I wish i had written dogma, cause that was such a funny movie and i wish i could take credit for it. Jay and silent bob crack me up.

10. WHAT BOOK, IF ANY, DO YOU WISH YOU HAD WRITTEN? Habibi, by Naomi Shihab Nye, because it’s a beautiful book and i could read it a million times without getting tired of it.

11. IF YOU WERE TO LIST THE ESSENTIAL QUALTIES OF YOUR PERFECT LOVER, WHAT WOULD THEY BE? Sensitive but not to the point of being annoying, able to take control, be caring, understanding, strong (not necessarily physically, although it would help) someone that i love and understand, and who loves and understands me… or at least, who likes me back. Am i naive or what??? lol.

12. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND RELIVE ANY PORTION OF YOUR HISTORY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I keep thinking that I would just not bother with the stupid bitch who fucked up a huge chunk of my life and was partly responsible for my depression and anxiety – and who made me lose the best friend I’ve ever had through her jealousy. she spread rumours that i talked about my best friend behind her back or some crap… then spread rumours that she talked about me behind my back. total crap. I have to wonder if all the experiences i’ve had since then are worth the pain i went through… are they? i guess so, there’s no point crying over spilt milk. move on cause it’s not worth it and life is too short…blah blah blah. I’m trying to be optimistic.

13. IF YOU WERE A PAWN SHOP ITEM, WAITING PATIENTLY TO BE REDEEMED, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
a pokemon trading card… or a beanie baby toy… or some useless crap like that. I don’t know why… just what came into my head.

14. IF YOU WERE A REFRIDGERATOR, WHAT SORT OF MAGNETS WOULD YOU STICK TO YOURSELF?
Definitely the ones that say “Be smart, use public transport, and GO CAT GO!” which are advertising queensland public transport. my sister has them on her fridge. I’d also have all the free magnets that you get from places like traveland and the video store.

15. IF YOU WERE A CLOCK WHAT TIME WOULD YOU BE? 6:54am

16. ARE YOU SICK OF THESE QUESTIONS YET
well, if i was i wouldn’t keep going. it was my choice to do this survey wasn’t it? least i think it was my choice…

17. HOW MANY SURREALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB? stuff the surrealists… i could make a good joke out of that one: “they didn’t have enough to go around” or something.

Meeeerrry christmas. can’t wait til santa comes around on the fire truck on christmas eve…

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