Before European Settlement of New Zealand, the country was known to the locals as “Land of the Long White Cloud”. When James Cook and his cronies arrived, it was changed to “Land of the Wrong White Crowd”.

I was watching Animal Planet this morning, a documentary about how human beings have single-handedly destroyed thousands of different animal species for good over the centuries. When the Maori first arrived in New Zealand, they hunted a bird called the Moa to extinction within a hundred years. In Hawaii, 60% of the bird species have vanished, and the majority of the vegetation there is not native to Hawaii – they are introduced species which have choked the life out of the native trees and plants.

However, going back to the Maori – after they hunted the Moa to extinction (and the Haast Eagle, indirectly, as the Moa was its main food source), they re-evaluated their tactics, and realised that hunting their food source in an unsustainable manner was counter-intuitive to their own survival. They created nature reserves, and made the rainforest and the animals which lived there, sacred. They used different food sources, and in turn, the birds and animals in the rainforests began to repopulate and recover.

The Maori had the knowledge – they recognised that they needed to cooperate with the land and animals in order to survive into the future. They needed to be a part of the ecosystem – not destroy it.

Human beings nowadays have even more knowledge than the Maori did. We can use substitutes for things that can’t afford for us to hunt them further. But we don’t… I think that perhaps it is our lack of connection with the land that we live off. The Maori made their connection with the earth and other animals spiritual. It was a mutual respect that allowed the most skilled predator to live side-by-side with animals that would seem not to have a chance against the all-mighty, top-of-the-food-chain human being.

Tim and I moved into our new house on Monday 12th October. We had our phone connected the Thursday before, which was done through Primus. Tim had an account with Primus which was created in about July last year, and was a 24 month contract. Initially, it was just for ADSL, not the phone line. When we moved, however, he decided to switch the phone provider to Primus to take advantage of some of the more decent home phone plans on offer when you had both your home phone and your internet with Primus.

We were advised that it would take 5-7 days from the day of the phone being connected at the new place before we would be able to connect to the internet. In this time, we also lost access to the internet at the old apartment, so Tim was basically paying for internet that he couldn’t use, through the fault of Primus and their ridiculous timeframes on connections. But okay, that’s not the real issue. 5-7 days in the digital era is a bit rich, but not entirely inexcusable. Obviously Primus just don’t spend enough of their budget on technicians to get their customers actually onto their network. It’s no big deal to them if someone is paying good money for shit all, they get something for nothing, and isn’t the bottom line of all corporations/companies profit after all?

The time frame from connection of phone line to connection of internet was frustrating, but it isn’t the only thing that has gotten me all agitated and ranting. My real dislike of Primus took hold when I braved their telephone helpline. (If you’re wondering – 1300 85 85 85).

I phoned Primus on Tuesday after Tim had called them and been told that our internet would not be connected until Friday. I’ll list a few more of the issues I had with their helpline after I give you the general idea of what the phone conversation went like:

Primus: Hello, how can I help you?
Me: Hi. We’ve got an existing Primus account, and we’ve recently moved and we’re waiting for our internet to be connected. We’ve been told that it won’t be done until Friday, and this is unacceptable. I would like an explanation for why it’s taking so long.
Primus: Okay, sure. I’ll just have to go to a different department to find that information for you, would you mind holding?
Me: Sure.
Hold music ———
Primus: Thanks for holding, I’ve just spoken to so-and-so department, and the technician isn’t due to come out to your area until Friday, so that’s the earliest it can be done.
Me: Obviously it’s NOT the earliest that it can be done – Friday is the LATEST that it can be done. We were quoted 5-7 days for connection, and Friday is the seventh day since our phone was connected. Therefore, if it is the EARLIEST that it can be done, it is at the same time the LATEST that it can be done, and the SLOWEST time in which it could possibly be connected, because if it were any MORE than 7 days, I would be calling the Ombudsman or the ACCC.
Primus: Well that’s the earliest that our technician is able to do it.
Me: I’ve also been told that we can only expect speeds of 1500 kbps, whereas at our previous residence we were getting speeds of around 8000 kbps. Previously, we were advised that there should be no problem getting ADSL2 at our new place, which does not fit in with 1500 kbps at all. 1500 kbps is practically dark ages.
Primus: Unfortunately, the cables in the area are not big enough for us to get any better speeds there. It’s because Telstra was responsible for laying all the cables initially, so now there’s not enough room for us to get bigger cables through.
Me: how is that my problem? That’s your problem, and your responsibility. It’s not Telstra’s responsibility now.
Primus: I understand that, I’m just trying to explain why the speed is the way it is.
Me: Look, I’m not angry with you, and I’m sorry to sound hostile, but I’m extremely frustrated with this situation, and it doesn’t appear that much is being done in any way to rectify or resolve any of these issues.
Primus: That’s okay, I understand, it’s just difficult when we’re so busy and have so many people wanting to be connected.

There was a lot more that was said, mainly just verification of accounts and my identity etc, but the basic gist of it was that, a) it takes seven days for a technician to connect us to the internet, and b) the internet speeds that Primus provide are not their responsibility. Ha. Ha. Ha.

The reason I was pretty hostile straight into it was because I had been on the phone, on hold, for about 20 minutes by that stage. Also, it had been a shitfight even getting onto them in the first place. Tim had tried calling at 4:30pm one day, and had been greeted with the after-hours voice message that advised “…our hours are between 8:30am and 5:30pm, Monday to Friday…”. So the natural assumption is that they’re operating on Sydney time (eg. Daylight Savings Time). However, Tim also called on the Tuesday morning at 8:00am our time (9:00am Sydney time) when the call centre should have been open a good half hour already, and got the same after hours message as before.

Are we in the twilight zone? Or are they just pretending to run on Sydney time in the mornings, and then they change back to Brisbane/QLD time in the afternoons?

I’m not going to tell you not to use Primus, I’m just putting forth our experience to make others more aware of our problematic they can be. We’ll be looking elsewhere for our internet service from now on.

I was StumbleUpon-ing this morning, and Stumbled upon this gem of a website – Angel Eyes, Devil Smile (the name alone should set off little alarm bells – “Warning! Pretentious Idiot Alert! Warning!”). For some reason the idiocy of this post got to me. I think I’ve had it with guys trying to understand how to manipulate women into hooking up with them. You shouldn’t need to do anything other than be yourself, and be confident that this is okay! There’s no “secret”, either there’s an attraction or there isn’t. Either something starts, or it doesn’t. The sheer number of guys who don’t get this is amazing. Most guys seem to make an effort not to let you see their true personality. They hide behind dodgy pick-up lines and cliches, and advice from other guys that is apparently “tried and true”. FFS. But maybe I’m being too hard on him? Maybe my own personal prejudices have created a bias in my perception… Anyway, I’ll let you be the judge.

My response (I didn’t expect this comment to be approved for posting on the website. Hehe.) Firstly, it’s “sleight of hand”. This is one of many mistakes that you’ve made in spelling / grammar in this post. If you want people to take you seriously, to listen to this “advice”, then at least make an effort not to sound like a complete idiot!

Secondly, what makes you think that belittling a woman is going to increase her respect for you? (”Wow, I expected a little better from you”) If it does, don’t you wonder about the type of person she is? Also, why do you already have expectations of someone you’ve just met?

This is one of the most superficial, immature posts I’ve ever read in the field of relationships. “I thought you would do better than that… maybe I was wrong (with a sly smile)” Wow… you’re so suave and debonair. I’m here wondering who could be bothered continuing a conversation with you after you’ve drooled out one incoherent mis-pronounced sentence.

A few pointers:

A “pimp” is not known for lies and trickery to land a woman, a “pimp” is an agent for a street-walking prostitute. I think the term you’re looking for here is “asshole”.

“And guess what,” = actually, that’s a question, and the comma here should be replaced with a question mark.

“subconsciencely” = subconsciously, maybe?

“I advice you” = You “advice” me? I ADVISE you to use proper grammar and punctuation!

“Why, you may ask…” Again, a comma in place of a question mark. And actually, this would be better as: “Why?” You may ask…

“Seems strange right.” What? is this a question or a statement? what’s your beef with question marks? What did they ever do to you to deserve you ignoring them?

“If you have a reputation for brutal honesty… you gain instant respect.” = How about just regular honesty? It does the same job, and is less likely to offend people. I don’t believe that respect is gained through acting as though your “truth” just has to be heard. Respect gains respect. Why don’t you try having respect for women, instead of brutally honesty-ing them into submission?

“Brutal honesty DOES NOT mean that you have to be an asshole, though!” = But every one of the examples you’ve given make you look like a pretentious, self-important wanker! I’m confused.

“repoire” = Did you mean rapport?

“when I feel like people are trying to “game” me” = What, like how you’re trying to “game” women?

The ignorance, self-indulgent, sexist crap in this article is simply breathtaking.

I’m constantly thinking. I’m very introspective. I think I think too much. The cogs in my brain are constantly turning, and I come up with some strange ideas and theories on why things are the way they are.

I’m constantly trying to make sense out of everything that happens. I want to know everything about everything. I think this is not just a generation-y thing, and I think I should stop explaining it away as that.

I think this won’t be the last time I write something pointless.

I’m overwhelmed by the sensation of missing someone or something. The Shins new song “Phantom Limb” is such a perfect metaphor for this feeling. It happens to thousands/millions of people every single day, so why do I feel so alone? Why do I hate so much when people try to compare my heartache to what they were feeling at a time that they think was similar? That’s not even what they’re trying to do. I know that. They’re trying to make me feel less alone in my pain, but it doesn’t help at all. It makes me rail against their attempts at comforting me.

I don’t want to feel like this any more.

I don’t want to feel discarded, unwanted, like my best efforts are simply not good enough.

It’s very difficult to retain any self-esteem in a situation like this. I’m just not good enough, and I have nothing more to offer.

I’m in love with Dashboard, Modest Mouse’s new song. I forgot how much I liked their music, because I listened to it too much when I first got into it and then I got bored. BORING! It sucks that their new album isn’t out yet. I want Red Riders album “Replica Replica” as well.

It’s so hot. I have vague memories of different ways I’ve coped with the heat over the years. It’s really only been an issue since I’ve moved to Brisbane, because Yamba doesn’t get this hot since it’s coastal, and if it does, then there’s the coast right there and you can just go for a swim.

I remember living at the beach during summer holidays. Sometimes we’d go to the Tea Tree Creek (true name: Mara Creek), just off the track to Back Beach. The water there was the colour of cola, and it was really good for your skin and hair. I used to be afraid that there were dead bodies hiding under the surface because you couldn’t see the bottom of the creek since the water was so dark. Sometimes a ghostly white tree branch would lodge itself on the opposite bank, looking exactly like some cadaver’s arm or leg protuding from the water. Eeek!

Other times, we’d sit at home with the fans on high, soak tea towels in water and then freeze them, and lay with the frozen tea towels on our foreheads. When we went to school, mum would put a frozen washer in a plastic bag in our cooler bags so that we could cool off after running around at lunch time. They were good on the bus home from Grafton when we were in high school, because most of the time the bus didn’t have airconditioning and we were packed in like sardines.

Sometimes, driving home along the road from Grafton to Maclean, after the Shark Creek Deviation, you could see dolphins swimming up the river that ran beside the road.

So anyway, speaking of places which should have had air conditioning and didn’t, I’d like to express my severe and total disappointment in work right now. Is that too specific? Have I said too much? Are the googlers going to come and get me now?

So I’m finally getting a break from the stress of work. It doesn’t come without its own stresses, though. Mainly financial worries. The fact that work is so barbaric as to categorically refuse any leave requests over Christmas makes a joke out of their whole philosophy. Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant! – May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy! But I’d better not write anything NEGATIVE about work, how could I ever come up with anything NEGATIVE about the place that so many people have left over the last few weeks? How could I say anything against a place that doesn’t make any effort towards retaining their existing staff, and just treats them like naughty children? No, no, I’d better not, in case someone types something *random* into a search engine that just happens to be a string containing the words casbot (nothing specific about that!) and where I work, and also makes assumptions as to what I would be posting about.

Let me tell you something, those of you who are here from *random* search strings (I’m thinking just to prove that if you trawl through ten pages of irrelevant search results just to find a page with one reference to what you were searching for, I believe just to justify your outrage that I would even write about something that has caused me so much pain in the first place) my blog is the least of your worries. The fact that you’re concerned about my blog being negative publicity, well, it’s ludicrous. I understand you have to protect your interests, but if you thought about it for a bit longer, you might realise that someone being treated badly by who they work for is going to have a far greater circle of influence on business than a blog found through a random search string. The disappointment, the stress, the fact that people around me can see how much I put in to my work and the amount of appreciation, recognition, ANYTHING that I get is aboslutely zero, speaks far more loudly than a few paragraphs written on a blog site as an outlet for the frustration that work causes. If I never spoke another word about how I’m feeling, the obvious effect that this is having on me would be just cause for indignation on the part of my family and friends. How many more people are they going to talk to? Think about a workplace that treats its staff well, and you’ll find that their general reputation in the community is a very positive one. If an employee can vouch for the company they work for, that’s a good sign. People get that.

The fact that my blog is apparently such a threat makes me wonder why my mouth hasn’t been sewn shut. For all I know, that could have been in the fine print, which is so often skimmed over because one might believe that the size of the font may perhaps be relative to the impact that it will have on their life and day-to-day activities.

I’d just like to say that, however it’s dressed up in corporate terms to make it more palatable to the people who are enforcing it, it’s still essentially censorship.

I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I don’t think that I deserve any sympathy.

Still, it’s that which I feel I least deserve that I most want.

I’m not my usual self. I’m not vibrant, happy, fun, funny, outgoing, exuberant and excited about things. I’ve given so much of myself, or, in some cases, had so much expected and taken from me(mostly by people that never cared in the first place, being part of a huge corporation means that you don’t have to think about giving, just taking everything you can from everyone) that, right now, I have nothing of that vibrancy, happiness, humour, extrovertedness, exuberance or excitement left to give. I will give everything else that I have, because I know that people don’t just stick around for nothing. Everyone has to get something out of you to make their time worthwhile.

I’m still expending so much energy on trying to give people something to make me worthwhile. It just seems like lately, I’m ultimately disappointing to everyone. This disappointment cuts me so deeply that I end up exhausting myself by worrying that, soon enough, everyone’s just going to decide that they’d rather not spend time with someone who constantly disappoints them. I’m exhausting myself by trying to make up for disappointing everyone, but I don’t know what to do.

Because, right now, I need from people more than I can give. I need time to recuperate, and time to just relax and not have to worry constantly about whether I am giving enough to everyone else. I need understanding, patience… carefulness. I need people to be gentle with me. I know that people are getting impatient with me and the fact that nothing they do seems to help anything. I wish that they could know that it does help, more than they could ever know it helps.

Maybe mum was right – maybe I am getting the flu. My back aches, my shoulders ache, my legs ache… Maybe this is what having the flu feels like? Maybe it makes you depressed, and bored, and angry, and tired… I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had the flu. I’ve had colds, yes, but not many. I think the worst cold I had was when we were in Ireland. I’ve had pneumonia… but that’s a whole different thing.

So. Flu so far = depressed, tired, angry, achy… And here was I thinking that when you have the flu you actually get sick! Silly me! But my problem couldn’t possibly be LIFE, could it? No, no, of course not! Life’s not at all depressing! Life doesn’t make you angry or wear you out or hurt you! No… people hurt you. Not life. People wear you out, make you angry. But I suppose that people are part of life (unless you’re a hermit. Are you a hermit?), so really it’s all the same thing.

Oh I think I’m digging a deep hole for myself right now.

And you know, I’m pretty good at pretending in everyday life, but for some reason it’s not working right now. My pretending abilities have up and left me when I most need them! “I’m fine. I don’t want people to worry about me.” “People are going to worry about you whether you want them to or not.” Well really! Everyone tells me not to worry about things! I’m not allowed to worry about things, but everyone else is allowed to worry about me? How is that fair? And I’m so darn good at it too!

And also, everyone keeps saying to me, “you’re very intelligent.” but I’d really like to know how they came to this conclusion. I am having trouble seeing it. If I am stupid enough to get myself into a mess like this (feelings with no cause! Where on earth do they come from?) AGAIN, where does the intelligence I supposedly possess step in? when does it help me answer the questions I’m asking of everyone else? why doesn’t anyone else worry or care about the same things as me?

My catchphrase at the moment = “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get over it.”

Ro and I saw Aeon Flux today. It was nothing like the cartoon, and really the best part was the SFX, but it was good to just sit and not think about anything for a couple of hours. I think Beck & I are going to see “when a stranger calls” tomorrow. Good. I love horror movies.

I hope it rains again soon. I love rain.

There’s a party on up the road. They were playing crap music when Ro & I were waiting for the bus today, and now the music is even more crap, and it’s worse because I’ll be going to bed in a minute, trying to get to sleep. I’ll get over it.

Noelle & I have been leaving things for each other on the bus stop near our house. First she left stickers from her shoes, then I left a 2 pence coin (which then disappeared) then I left a ten pence coin, and it was there for a week and a half. I mentioned this to Ro this morning when we were waiting for the bus. “I can’t believe that 10pence is still there. I put it there like a week and a half ago.” Then, this afternoon:

Noelle: JESUS IS THE LORD!!
Me: Whaaat?! (as this was fairly out of the blue)
Noelle:Jesus is the Lord… you didn’t write it?
Me: Write what?
Noelle: The note at the bus stop!
Me: Noooo…?
Noelle: The coin is gone and there’s a note left there in it’s place, I thought you must have done it!

At this point I ran to the bus stop… sure enough there’s the note, pencil on green paper “Jesus is the lord!”. As my coin was still there at lunch time when Ro and I left, it must have happened only this afternoon sometime before we got home from the shops. WEIRD. I stuck the note to the bus stop using the shoe stickers that Noelle originally put down. I wonder who is trying to communicate with us? The rest of the afternoon was punctuated by occasional exclamations from me of “That’s amazing! I can’t believe that!” Wow. what next? I can hardly wait to see.

I bought an Iriver on Friday to cheer myself up. I was happier when I got back to work (after a conversation with the Team Leader that left me in tears because she was being nice to me and I can’t handle people being nice to me and saying “You’re allowed to be upset”. No, I”m not.) but I said to Team Leader “I’ll have to just get over it. I can’t afford to do this all the time!” I really can’t. I think that the amount you spend is directly proportional to how good you feel afterwards and for how long. So I felt pretty cheery for a couple of hours. That doesn’t bode well for my credit card. But then again, I guess it just proves that you can’t rely on retail therapy. I mean, I’m enjoying transferring all my music and pictures over to my Iriver (it’s killing the interminable boredom of my boring life for a little while at least) but it’s not making me feel happy. I said to Noelle on Friday afternoon, “I know that there’s another way to feel, because I haven’t felt this way forever, but I just can’t get back there.”

Ah this sounds suspiciously like I’m feeling very sorry for myself right now. But I’m not, I’m angry at myself. I don’t think I deserve any sympathy whatsoever. So don’t give me any. Oh and I don’t want any pity either – you can keep it.

I don’t know what to say … I’m wallowing.

People can be so rude, can’t they? They just think that however they feel is more important than how you feel.

Yeah, I’m good at that too.

I feel like nothing I do at the moment has any point… nothing I do ever leads to anything. Nothing I do has any purpose. And nothing I do is what I want to do. I don’t want to not know where I’m going, I don’t want to be disinterested in everything… I don’t want to cause people to say, “She’s too difficult” and forget about me. I would rather be a privilege than a responsibility. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. I’m such a pessimist. It’s never going to happen.

Josh once said that he saw me as walking around in the deep, dark woods, with no direction and nothing to guide me, and there was a big wall around the woods that was keeping me trapped in there. But he also saw me climbing over that wall and making my way out into the sunlight. I don’t think that’s going to happen either.

I just want one thing to be easy for once. And I know that some people might say that I make things difficult for myself, but I don’t know another way. If you suck at being you, then there’s not much hope for anything else you might try, is there? How pathetic.

Everything I write lately has been marked by an underlying note of depression. Yuck. It’s insidious, and makes my mind go to dark places. What’s wrong with me?

I’m so tired, and feeling sick.

I drank too much tea today, and I feel like I start moving through strobe lights, staggered movements but really fast. Like stop-start-stop-start… except on fast forward. I’m so tired because I’ve been doing overtime for two whole weeks now, which is exhausting when I don’t get to bed until 11pm and wake up at 5am. I had to come home early yesterday and go to bed early, so I only did an hour extra. Almost not worth it. I’ve still got a cabcharge voucher because I forgot it the first night, caught the train, and it took me 40 minutes to walk home in the dark. It’s a nice walk though, so I don’t mind. Even in the dark it’s nice.

I got so tired day before yesterday at work that I made stupid mistakes and strongly berated myself for them. I burst into tears at one point because I was frustrated with how stupid I was. This was a combination of tiredness and thinking other stupid things (not work stupid things, but home stupid) that I had done which have been like constant storm clouds above my head, and I’m just waiting for the deluge. Kirra said I’m way too harsh on myself, that I should give myself a break, but I don’t think I deserve one. If I do something stupid, I have to acknowledge it because otherwise I can’t learn from it, and remember not to do that again. But I never learn. So what’s the point?

I get so frustrated with myself, because I can see where I go wrong, I can see it. I made a stupid, stupid, obvious mistake. It wasn’t a big mistake, just a little one that didn’t matter, but that makes it worse I think. How could I do that? How could I not see? Ugh. I’m such an idiot. I hate TV. It’s so loud and dominates whatever room it’s in. That’s fine if all you want to do is watch TV, but what if all you want to do is read? or write? or talk to someone? TV is selfish. I’m selfish so I guess I can’t really talk. Judge not lest ye be judged. Why have I been so judgmental?

Finally they had blue dye in stock, but now they have no black. If I had a store which sold things like that I’d make sure they were constantly there, and if they weren’t there, I’d put a little sign up which said, “sorry! This product is out of stock. We should have some more available ______” and i’d also let people put products on hold so they could get one as soon as they came in. It’s a guaranteed sale, people! I think it would be better if they put a sign up saying when they expected more to come in, because then I wouldn’t have to go searching all over the city or check back in every day and I could just come back to that shop the date it was supposed to come back in. I suppose that’s not a guarantee that it would be there, but it’s better than having no idea at all.

We saw the cutest boy in the city today. He had a long black coat on, not a trenchie (yuck), but sgt pepper style almost, and a jaunty little hat. He looked awesome. Some interesting news from my lunchtime boredom: Kim Jong-Il of North Korea has allowed the release of a love song – shock horror! And England has banned our “where the bloody hell are you?” tourism campaign ads – big surprise. Someone had to. Penny said they were just being precious, but that’s their prerogative. If our tourism industry wants to make ridiculous adverts, then they have every right to refuse them.

One of the spokespeople for the ads said something along the lines of “you can’t buy this publicity!” Like it was a really good thing. Everybody’s going to think we’re gutter-mouthed bimbos. The boys don’t get too bad a rap, but it’s as though women’s suffrage never happened. Everyone’s so misogynistic. I feel sad.

I want to see an ad broadcast internationally that features the following all-Australian themes: Emos sulking in black skinny-legs and red paintings or MCR shirts; the Cronulla racial riots (to add some excitement); Macquarie Fields (just cause); Street Hawkers closing in for the kill; 15 year-old mothers-to-be getting high on the Baby Bonus… I can’t think straight right now. I’m sure there are a million other Aussie clichés that could be used and would create a far more accurate portrayal of modern Australian life.

Anyway, today I felt much better after getting a decent nights sleep. And I was ready in time to catch the early bus, and for some reason my access card worked straight away when usually I have to wait until 6:30am… I’ll have to catch the train tomorrow because our bus doesn’t run that early on Saturdays. I can’t wait until this overtime is OVER. I can’t afford not to take it while it’s on offer, but it’s just so exhausting. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I went to bed at a reasonable hour, but I just can’t seem to. I go to bed and just lay there, awake, waiting to sleep, even though I’m so tired I can’t keep my eyes open. I never used to have trouble sleeping. I’ve got too many things running through my mind.

Kirra said that I bite so easily when people are stirring me up. I’m easily stirred up. It’s not that I take things seriously, because I know that people are just joking. It’s not like I go and sulk in a corner when people joke with me, though apparently I did sound really serious when I said “shut up!” to Nathan K, but that was only because he stood there for ages making chicken noises at me. He said “I thought you were braver than that.” And I said, “No, I’m really not.” though it’s not really fair because I didn’t have a choice It wasn’t like I could take the vote and use that as justification for sending the email.

Agh I’m falling asleep. That’s a sign to me that what I’m writing is boring. BORING! I have that sound in my head, of someone saying BORING but I’m not sure where it comes from. I think it’s just me.

I paid my deposit on my trip today. How exciting! That’s what I think of whenever I feel down. GREY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE! Why do people say to me “SMILE!” when I am feeling sad? Why should I smile? That’s like lying. It’s a lie.

I like that “All these things that I’ve done” song by the Killers. I don’t know why. I like the words, though when you put them together they don’t seem to mean all that much.

I want to turn back time and have gone to sleep hours ago, not still be sitting here awake not being able to go to bed because I still want to keep listening to Modest Mouse which I haven’t listened to in ages, but how to start work early tomorrow? And how to cope with everything? And how to continue?

Sleeeeeeep sounds good right now.