I’ve been thinking…

through the pain and drug-induced stupor that’s been my existence for the past couple of weeks or so, I am amazed that my brain has been able to process anything at all.

And WordPress, would you stop updating every two weeks? You’re being all Microsofty. Gimme a hefty update in one go… with a few goodies thrown in. Maybe a few complimentary, optional widgets, or a theme or two.

Anyway, back to my previous train of thought… I had an important realisation this afternoon, maybe even an epiphany, or perhaps a lightbulb moment? Whatever the term, I feel kind of happy and stupid about it. Happy because it makes things easier for me, and stupid because I didn’t realise that I was making my life unnecessarily complicated.

My realisation was to do with the complex I have about not having attained my HSC, and not having attended university despite it being my dream of dreams since I started working full-time. The realisation is this: IT DOESN’T MATTER. It really doesn’t matter anymore. The fact that I don’t have a piece of paper to give to the university saying, “this is how smart Cass is, you should let her go into this course”, should make no difference to my motivation in fulfilling my dreams. I already know there are paths that I can follow. I’ve procrastinated and procrastinated, all the while telling myself, “I’ll wait until next year, then it will be easier.” or, “I’ll just continue slowly working my way up the ranks and soon I’ll get somewhere I’ll really be proud of myself for.”

Why? Why keep putting it off? I can justify my actions again and again, and justify not taking the first step because, well, I guess it takes effort. Who gives a fuck? I don’t mean to swear, but really. It’s not the be all and end all of the universe.

There’s so much out there. If this is what I really want to do, then all I need to do is take the first step.

Thanks universe, I love your endless sparkling craziness.