Melancholy is bitter-sweet

This cat is so cute. It’s from one of those Japanese TV shows, where they show the faces of different people up in the top right-hand corner for some reason.

These are thoughts I had today about myself, about my thoughts and actions and general mindset over the past few weeks… not in all things, but some.

I needed to be sure I was capable of that which I imagined, but never actually tested. My worth is not dictated by those around me. Love yourself first. You will definitely have enough left for everyone else in your life. It will be easier to tell who is deserving of your love also. You are entitled to make a decision as to who is worth your while. That is your decision and yours alone. But by the same token, you can’t change someone else’s mind or affect or manipulate their decision either.

Nothing that I do to try and force a situation, to try to force something to what I believe is the logical conclusion, is ever going to get it there.

This is a fundamental realisation, one which is strong enough to crawl upon and start learning how to stand upright again. It’s simple, but it’s not something that anyone else can tell you. There are so many things to learn about life which other people will try to tell you, but it’s not until you actually experience it for yourself, make the mistake, and learn from it, that you will really understand.

I know this might sound really wanky to some people, especially those who don’t know what I’ve been going through these past couple of months.

I know there’s something knitting and healing inside, and the healing of this still occasionally aches, but I know that this is the process. This is what needs to happen. The pain, sadness, ill-feelings… they don’t just up and disappear when I feel like I can cope with the world again. And really, I’ve been back in amongst the living for quite some time now.

I love me. I love myself, who I am and who I am not. I love my friends, the people around me who accept me and appreciate me. I love my family, who shaped and moulded who I am. I like idiosyncrasies – things that challenge me, that create lessons for me to learn in my own life.

Melancholy isn’t always a bad thing. I think it’s just like that “Wish You Were Here” song by Pink Floyd. That’s probably a really good melancholy song. Another good melancholy song is “Leif Erikson” by Interpol. And no, they aren’t paying me for all these mentions. Get a real job, GOSH!