Get off the stage, Charita!

I’ve been absent-minded lately. Ashleigh called me out to reception and held the receiver of the phone out to me. Usually this means that I have a call (because I don’t have a phone at my desk since it’s only temporary). So, I said “hello?” and the person on the other end started talking, saying “oh hi Cassandra, I was just calling to let you know that so-and-so’s flights will need to be booked today…” and all the while I’m saying “ok, yeah, hmm” and then she said “well, I guess I’ll try get in contact with you later. If you get this before I’ve tried again, could you please give me a call back on blah blah blah…” and so I said “no, wait! I’m here!” I thought that she had been diverted through to voicemail, and Ashleigh was sitting there laughing at me. She said “it’s a message you freak!” And that was embarrassing. Because I didn’t know! But yeah, it is a bit funny I guess.

I’m trying to think of things that are making me feel either peaceful or happy at the moment. One thing that I like is when I have to remove staples from documents at work, and the staples stay on the staple remover. For some reason, it makes me feel like I’ve achieved something when I have a row of staples all stuck on the prongs of the staple remover.

Also, when I receive expense claims from people, I stick the receipts onto pieces of A4 paper so that I can photocopy lots of them at once, and they’re easier to keep together. It’s satisfying when I can fit a lot of receipts onto one piece of paper. It’s sort of like playing tetris or something. I’ll probably be over it in a while and I’ll be all “GOSH idiot!” but for now it’s good.

Noelle and I went out with a few other people last night for St. Paddy’s Day. Neither of us were wearing any green or orange, but we felt very patriotic and showed this by drinking lots of alcohol in true Irish style. At least, I did. I was home in bed by 11:30pm (successful night out! I’m so hardxxcore! not.) but I still had fun. I enjoyed meeting new people, and seeing others who I hadn’t seen in a while.

This is Noe and I doing our best Blue Steels. Or maybe they’re Magnums… I can’t remember. Anyway, I can’t tell you how much this means to me to be the first recipient of this beautiful award. With this ’slash’ award, it means that you consider me the best actor/model, and not the other way around. Speaking of Fabio, of all the people to get hit in the face with a seagull while on a rollercoaster, it happening to him was just so poetic. I remember American Liz laughing about it hysterically when we were at dinner in … Innsbruck maybe?

Oh and just so you know, I have now gone as blonde as I can go (for the moment. In another six/seven weeks, I can be even blonder). I’m thinking that I will go back to my natural colour, then exist in that for a while. Then, if I honestly feel that I want to go dark again, and I’m willing to live through the four – five month wait and $500.00 cost to get back to blonde again, at least I’ll be able to make a more informed decision. I’ve become informed by experience about a lot of things lately.

I’m still sad, but the pockets of happiness are growing. Here is a quote from Anna’s blog which describes the way that I have been feeling lately. I’m not really up to the end bit yet, but I can see the possibility which I think is the start:

It’s like a bushfire ravaging your insides… uncontrollable, searing heat and chaos. Finally the fire dies down, the embers turn from red to black and only the ashes remain. And everything inside is silent, the colour of charcoal and ashes… empty. It starts to rain and you are swamped with the drip drip drip of disappointment, not really knowing how to wade through it to drier land. Then slowly the runoff is soaked up, fades away, and small buds start to peek through the blackness … something new is growing. And then you see it and marvel at the wonder of it all, how new life could possibly find its way through all that devastation. And then you start to feel some pieces of happiness again. The hard part is the first part, the fire, the embers, the ashes. But the emergence of the seeds is truly an amazing thing! Just as good as the smell of spring.

What I have realised I can learn from this new environment, new situation, new life journey:
Whether I truly like the company I keep in the empty moments. If I can disappoint another to be true to myself. If I can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray my own soul. If I know what it is that sustains me, from the inside, when all else falls away. If I know what being true to myself looks like in daily practice.

I think, out of everything that I lost sight of from losing myself to something so strong, the hardest to get back was my sense of self, and the sense that me as me is okay. In fact, better than okay. Me being me, being true to myself, is the best it gets. Doing things that fulfill me, feeling strong and empowered… these are the things that I need to get back. Although I still feel the pain, I can feel it without regret. I can appreciate the time that we were together. I won’t lose myself to bitterness. I can be honest with myself about this, and concentrate on looking after myself for a while. These realisations can only happen when we are able to accept the situation. When we are able to learn the lessons, however painful they might be. Julia said, “you can step into the pain, but don’t immerse yourself in it.” This is true. I might need to cry sporadically, but crying purges a little of the pain at a time, and leaves room for new growth. What grows is a new part of me that is stronger, more self-sufficient, more aware.

It’s not about going out and finding a rebound. I can’t use people that way. And I don’t want meaningless encounters. I’m too inwardly-focussed for that to do anything for me at all, and I know that from past experience that it only makes me feel like I’ve devalued myself. I’m lucky to have so many people around who are looking out for me. You are all my angels.