I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I don’t think that I deserve any sympathy.
Still, it’s that which I feel I least deserve that I most want.
I’m not my usual self. I’m not vibrant, happy, fun, funny, outgoing, exuberant and excited about things. I’ve given so much of myself, or, in some cases, had so much expected and taken from me(mostly by people that never cared in the first place, being part of a huge corporation means that you don’t have to think about giving, just taking everything you can from everyone) that, right now, I have nothing of that vibrancy, happiness, humour, extrovertedness, exuberance or excitement left to give. I will give everything else that I have, because I know that people don’t just stick around for nothing. Everyone has to get something out of you to make their time worthwhile.
I’m still expending so much energy on trying to give people something to make me worthwhile. It just seems like lately, I’m ultimately disappointing to everyone. This disappointment cuts me so deeply that I end up exhausting myself by worrying that, soon enough, everyone’s just going to decide that they’d rather not spend time with someone who constantly disappoints them. I’m exhausting myself by trying to make up for disappointing everyone, but I don’t know what to do.
Because, right now, I need from people more than I can give. I need time to recuperate, and time to just relax and not have to worry constantly about whether I am giving enough to everyone else. I need understanding, patience… carefulness. I need people to be gentle with me. I know that people are getting impatient with me and the fact that nothing they do seems to help anything. I wish that they could know that it does help, more than they could ever know it helps.