So I’m finally getting a break from the stress of work. It doesn’t come without its own stresses, though. Mainly financial worries. The fact that work is so barbaric as to categorically refuse any leave requests over Christmas makes a joke out of their whole philosophy. Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant! – May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy! But I’d better not write anything NEGATIVE about work, how could I ever come up with anything NEGATIVE about the place that so many people have left over the last few weeks? How could I say anything against a place that doesn’t make any effort towards retaining their existing staff, and just treats them like naughty children? No, no, I’d better not, in case someone types something *random* into a search engine that just happens to be a string containing the words casbot (nothing specific about that!) and where I work, and also makes assumptions as to what I would be posting about.

Let me tell you something, those of you who are here from *random* search strings (I’m thinking just to prove that if you trawl through ten pages of irrelevant search results just to find a page with one reference to what you were searching for, I believe just to justify your outrage that I would even write about something that has caused me so much pain in the first place) my blog is the least of your worries. The fact that you’re concerned about my blog being negative publicity, well, it’s ludicrous. I understand you have to protect your interests, but if you thought about it for a bit longer, you might realise that someone being treated badly by who they work for is going to have a far greater circle of influence on business than a blog found through a random search string. The disappointment, the stress, the fact that people around me can see how much I put in to my work and the amount of appreciation, recognition, ANYTHING that I get is aboslutely zero, speaks far more loudly than a few paragraphs written on a blog site as an outlet for the frustration that work causes. If I never spoke another word about how I’m feeling, the obvious effect that this is having on me would be just cause for indignation on the part of my family and friends. How many more people are they going to talk to? Think about a workplace that treats its staff well, and you’ll find that their general reputation in the community is a very positive one. If an employee can vouch for the company they work for, that’s a good sign. People get that.

The fact that my blog is apparently such a threat makes me wonder why my mouth hasn’t been sewn shut. For all I know, that could have been in the fine print, which is so often skimmed over because one might believe that the size of the font may perhaps be relative to the impact that it will have on their life and day-to-day activities.

I’d just like to say that, however it’s dressed up in corporate terms to make it more palatable to the people who are enforcing it, it’s still essentially censorship.

 

I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I don’t think that I deserve any sympathy.

Still, it’s that which I feel I least deserve that I most want.

I’m not my usual self. I’m not vibrant, happy, fun, funny, outgoing, exuberant and excited about things. I’ve given so much of myself, or, in some cases, had so much expected and taken from me(mostly by people that never cared in the first place, being part of a huge corporation means that you don’t have to think about giving, just taking everything you can from everyone) that, right now, I have nothing of that vibrancy, happiness, humour, extrovertedness, exuberance or excitement left to give. I will give everything else that I have, because I know that people don’t just stick around for nothing. Everyone has to get something out of you to make their time worthwhile.

I’m still expending so much energy on trying to give people something to make me worthwhile. It just seems like lately, I’m ultimately disappointing to everyone. This disappointment cuts me so deeply that I end up exhausting myself by worrying that, soon enough, everyone’s just going to decide that they’d rather not spend time with someone who constantly disappoints them. I’m exhausting myself by trying to make up for disappointing everyone, but I don’t know what to do.

Because, right now, I need from people more than I can give. I need time to recuperate, and time to just relax and not have to worry constantly about whether I am giving enough to everyone else. I need understanding, patience… carefulness. I need people to be gentle with me. I know that people are getting impatient with me and the fact that nothing they do seems to help anything. I wish that they could know that it does help, more than they could ever know it helps.

 

I had to write a blog entry because of the awesome latin (above) on my Google Homepage at the moment. I have these little Latin phrases displayed, and they change every day. Sometimes it’s not a Latin phrase which is displayed, but a boring quote about something or other from someone like C.S. Lewis, or other known paedophiles. Okay, so it’s only him that I know is a paedophile. Most of the others I know hardly anything of at all.

Btw, everyone needs to check out the updated RSPCA World for Pets online store - if you look carefully, you might see someone you know on the cats page! It’s also a really convenient place to get presents for your animals and humans. Not that Napoleon needs any more presents, mind you. But it’s not about Napoleon, it’s about helping all the other animals. The animals! But it sort of is about Napoleon, because whether he needs more toys, bowls, kitty litter trays, or collars, he’s gettin’ ‘em. And he’ll damn well like it, too! Also, if you go to the About us page, you can check out some of the site content I’ve helped provide.

The little purple light on my wireless broadband is flashing, and it’s very distracting! I’m not connected to it at the moment, and it’s purple because the little wings aren’t out ready for flight.

Anyway. Here is proof that my Napoleon’s legs are too long. I still think he’s beautiful.

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Also today, I got to play with Neo on the stairs:

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And I got a 1GB mini-SD card for my phone, with an adaptor so that I can put it into the SD slot on my computer. I originally wanted a 2GB card, but the 1GB one was cheap cheap! And probably more space than I’m ever going to need anyway :)

This is Benyamin’s interpretation of Sin City:

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Anyway, is it just me, or does it not feel like Christmas at all? I’ve done almost no Christms shopping this year. It could just be me, because I’ve been so preoccupied with work and everything going on there, and being stressed and feeling crap and everything, I’ve had no energy for Christmas spirit or cheer. What a sad state of affairs! Christmas time used to be my favourite time of year – no matter how many bad Christmases I’ve had, I’m an eternal optimist when it comes to Christmas.

Seems like this year, things have just gone way too far with the consumerism. It had to happen eventually. What’s with upside-down Christmas trees, for example? I’ve heard quite a few people talking about them, but I’ve never seen one in real life. If you’re wondering, this is what they look like:

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And the whole reasoning behind them is so that you can fit more presents under the tree.

Firstly, putting your tree upside down is only going to add more available room for TALLER presents, not more presents. Secondly, could I be forgiven for thinking that the people who go in for this have missed the entire point? They’re going to spoil their kids by giving them an excuse to expect MORE this Christmas. Actually, seems these Christmas trees have been around for a while, in America (oh America! America, of all places!), and like the good little bitch of America, we’re running along behind them, desperately seeking to emulate their warped consumer-driven society. But all modern society is consumer-driven, Cass, that’s just the way things are!

I, for one, am not going to buy into the whole “upside-down Christmas tree” mentality this year, or any other year for that matter. And yes, I do realise that I am part of the consumerist society (I have no illusions about that). But for now I’m going to believe that I still have a few ounces of integrity.

 

I should be writing my resume. I’m amazingly good at procrastinating. If there was an award for procrastination… well, I don’t think I’d win it exactly, but I think I’d be in the top 100… something like that.

My new phone: Nokia 6288. It replaces my old phone, Nokia 7370. Some cool things about this phone: The screen is huge; I can do video calling because it can access the 3G network; it has a 2 megapixel camera with flash; it has a 512mb memory card… Once I’ve played with it a little more, I’ll be able to list all the awesome features.

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Someone’s going to get me for direct linking! Mwahahahahaha. I’m so evil.

Yeah.

 

Due to circumstances beyond my control, Casbot blog has been down for a while. But it’s back up again, and hopefully will remain up FOREVER (said in a booming, ominous tone). I felt disenfranchised, and I was going into blogging withdrawal. It’s a very serious condition – symptoms include depression, a general feeling of uselessness, severe boredom, and an uncharacteristic desire to log off the internet after five minutes of pointless surfing. The only cure for me was to reinstate my site, and edit all the content that could possibly get me into hot water.

So, what you see here is not the original, but the censored version of the original. It did make me quite sad to have to cut out entire sections of blog entries, but I suppose that’s what happens when you integrate yourself into a bureaucratic society. I don’t think I’m cut out for a censored life.

Yesterday, Calum and I went to Currumbin Sanctuary, on the Gold Coast. As you can see in the following photos, we had a grand old time.


On Friday night, Christian had a dinner at his place and invited me, Lauren and Nathan over. The reason for the dinner was so that Lauren and Nathan could meet Neo. I, of course, have already met Neo many times. I have also been bitten by him many times (no hard feelings, Neo!). Christian cooked a delicious meal of chicken breast stuffed with spiced gouda and avocado, and wrapped in prosciutto, on a bed of cous cous and steamed vegetables. Yum! Then we had banana fritters and vanilla ice cream for dessert, which was a special treat considering banana prices at the moment.

Mum and dad are selling our house in Wooloweyah. You can view its entry on Realestate.com here. It’s quite sad that it’s being sold, especially as, if it were fixed up a bit, the price it could go for would be a lot higher. Mum has already asked me to help out with settlement once she finds a property she wants to buy up here, but there’ll be no need for me to help out if she’s going to borrow money in order to purchase it – the Bank will take care of settlement for properties it takes security over. We’ll be living here in this house for another year yet, or at least until the Wooloweyah house sells.

 

Today I announced to my team leader my intention to leave work. Or rather, my intention to seek alternative employment, while remaining at current job until I secure said employment. They need me, I need them. It’s a good situation while it lasts, but hopefully it won’t need to last too long.

This weekend I’m going to go through and write up answers to the selection criteria of a whole lot of Govt jobs. That’s what I’m hoping to get into – the Government. I feel like this is my opportunity to make a change, branch out, get out of banking & finance. I’m going to make the most of it. It’s scary, but in a positive way (if that makes sense, or is even possible in the real world and not just the imagined one in my head…)

We were helped out this evening by some of the people from another department. I said to them “Have you reevaluated your perception of the degree of difficulty of our jobs?” and they said, “We always knew you worked hard!”.

I put up the Christmas tree on the weekend. Napoleon enjoyed it for a little while, then quickly lost interest. Unlike Christian’s cat, Neo, who has made the Christmas tree his private retreat. Napoleon is more interested in chasing the baubles he batted off the bottom branches of the tree.

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Because it’s just so gorram INFORMATIVE, doncha know?

I have had a stupid, stressful week. The only thing I want to do right now is take like… two weeks off work and not think about anything.

ANYway… I had a dinner party last night. I wasn’t in the most energetic, effervescent, happy mood. Apart from that, the evening was pretty good. I appreciate the effort everyone took to come. Thanks!

First course: Lemon & herb grilled haloumi on a rocket & sundried tomato salad
Second course: Butter steaks with field mushrooms on a bed of wilted baby spinach
Third course: Chocolate & kahlua parfaits

The parfaits really needed to be made just before they were to be served. Timing is the most difficult part of any dinner with more than one course. It inevitably involves being in the kitchen while your guests are out waiting for their next meal. Not that it’s a big problem, conversations continue whether I’m in the room or not, but perhaps another time might have been more suited to the occasion – where I had more energy, and was in a better mood.

Chris and I went to Chermy today. Christian was sure we would have a problem finding a park (Chermside is notorious for difficulty in finding parking spaces, and especially with everyone going so hard at Christmas Shopping…) but we had practically no problem at all. It was an entirely different story trying to find particular shops inside Chermy. It seemed like we walked the entire length of the shopping centre about six times, because each time we tried to find something and found we’d been heading in the wrong direction, we just kept going in that direction to eventually come full circle back to where we needed to go, rather than double-back. I think this was partially because we had no time constraints or any agenda, partially because people watching is fascinating.

I bought a new pair of sunglasses from Myer (it took some convincing from Chris, I was weighing up a few different options), some new tops from Cotton On (Cott On! Cott On!), and a stuffonmycat.com 2007 desk calendar, so that I don’t have to look at stupid quotes from WGP or Anon. anymore. BORING! Stuffonmycat = awesome. Napoleon’s favourite of my new shirts is either the apple one or the one with owls on it. Go owls! What are they doing? They’re all over the place atm!

A couple of photos of some disturbing doll Chris and I spotted at Target at Chermy:

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Try me? Well sweetheart, it looks like someone already did! Nobody’s gonna buy the cow if you’re giving the milk away for free! And other unrelated pearls of wisdom.

Does everyone remember the day last week (not sure what day it was… maybe Wednesday?) when Brisbane was sepia toned? As in, the sky was overcast, but had a brownish hue rather than grey… and even the air seemed to be painted over with olden-days colours. It rained that day, and apparently (according to my sources, which I cannot reveal) it was acid rain. I can sort of remember the rain feeling a bit wrong, and there was a funny smell in the air too… I took a photo that evening, because Calum pointed out that the sky looked like someone had smeared shit across it (you can also see some rain falling over some area of Brisbane in this picture… acid rain! maybe.):

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So, those of you who washed your cars in the last couple of days, you’re pretty lucky and maybe even prescient. Those of you who haven’t forked out the money to have your car washed, do it soon to prevent permanent damage to your paint job.

Anyway, I’m tired! We have to put up the Christmas tree tomorrow, because I ended up not having any time to do it today. I’ve been at Chris’ this evening, chilling out and watching Pay TV. And normal TV too, I’m not a TV snob like you are.

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