But it’s okay because I’m pretty sure the feeling is mutual. How does that make it okay? Well, I guess because neither of us is like, “how come you don’t like me??!! Wah wah wah!” I’d expect that from the phone, but it started the whole thing by treating me like dirt. You’re dead to me phone, more dead to me than the dead other phone that the insurance people are going to replace.

I’ve just about finished moving all the stuff in to my new room. And I’ve just done three loads of washing because for some reason, I had just a huge pile of clothes on the floor and I couldn’t tell what was dirty and what was clean, and so I’m just washing everything. It’s nice though, now I can put everything away in it’s right place, and not just in the dirty clothesbasket. It also means I don’t have anything to wear to work tomorrow, but meh. I came home from work early today because I kept having annoying coughing fits, and I just couldn’t stop coughing, and then I’d get really weak and shaky and not be able to concentrate. I left a half hour early, and I worked back an extra hour yesterday anyway, so I have no time to make up and actually work owes me time. Half an hour. But we’re just so busy at the moment that I feel slightly guilty taking it.

Tomorrow Calum and I shall search for a mortar & pestle for his dinner party, and 3M hooks for me. How scary was that stabbing in the mall today? SCARY!

 

I’m meant to be moving things into my new room, and getting everything set up (I think I have a grand total of five powerboards to fill), but I’m just taking a break for a minute. Like they did in Fearless, when they were planting the rice and the wind was blowing. Woooooooooo (that was the wind). It’s not really like that at all. What a terrible analogy. Sorry everyone.

How good is the rain? How good was the dinner that mum cooked tonight? How good is… Ok, I’m done with the how goods. How good is it not to come home to your anxious mother worried sick about her absent daughter? Well, I personally wouldn’t know! How good is it not to have to listen to ultimatums sung to the tune of “if you don’t do this you can f***in well move out”? (It’s a pretty complicated tune. Very dirgy. Lots of haunting violins and violent crescendoes). It doesn’t bother me so much except that with all the yelling and the slamming of doors I can’t hear myself think. It was literally like that… I was trying to listen to what my brain would think up next, and all I could hear was “call your father and you can go live with him!” Yeah right! I remember when mum and dad first split up, and dad moved to the house down the road (after we’d moved out to Maclean and then to Yamba and then finally back home again) and for some reason we were still meant to stay over at his place. It was one room! Down the road from our four-bedroom house! GOSH. And anyway, there were ants EVERYWHERE. Marching in little lines from every crack and corner. I had images in my head of waking up in the middle of the night with ants in my ears and my mouth, and all through my hair, and you’d never be able to get them out, and then you’d smell like dead ants ALL THE TIME.

This weekend was fun. Friday night was drinx for Tanya’s farewell. Apparently Kathryn showed up after I left. I always just miss her whenever work drinx are on and she ends up going out. I think there’s a conspiracy. Anyway, I had three drinks by 6:30pm (happy hour @ Port Office = $4.00 smirnoff blacks! how can they do that??) and so I was kind of tipsy when Christian picked me up. Weekend cool stuff: Thai, Saturday morning in the Valley, rolls from the Valley bakery (near Wing Hing), sun/shade baking in New Farm Park, New Farm Park fresh produce markets, Yum Cha Sunday morning, an impromptu debate in a city coffee shop, lazing around, Sunday afternoon movies. Sounds like a busy weekend, but didn’t feel as busy as usual, which is strange.

Aaaand highlight from today: Putting my camera’s memory card into the computer and discovering surreptitious, sneaky photos…

What on earth is Eh Steve doing? And when were these photos taken? I guess it will remain a mystery, as Eh Steve has neither the will to reveal his secrets nor the vocal chords needed to create speech. Ah well.

Ok. Photo time…
wall tigers
The tigers on my wall at work. I can’t remember where I got them from, but I think it might have been Dreamworld. Sometimes they are placed in compromising positions (by Nathan, of course), but they’ve been left pretty much alone lately. I wonder why…

Electricity Box Spring Hill
The most disgusting electricity box thingy in the Brisbane/Valley area. For sure. (Like anyone can even know that Napoleon!) What are those little things? Why are they surrounding that man? He looks as disturbed as I feel by even just glancing at this atrocity.


This is Christian’s cat Neo being a duck. Or a boat. Zooooom!


Oooh I almost forgot! New photos of Napoleon! Look how cute he is…

Yay! Today’s photos of Napoleon were brought to you by: Brooke’s friend Sarah, Leigh, Brooke’s phone, Christian’s phone 1, Christian’s phone 2, some hot bluetooth action, and finally, lappy.

 

So! Here I am still sick (or ever sicker). So many things happening at the moment! For some reason it feels like Sunday today, and like I should be going to work tomorrow. But it’s only Saturday, I’ve got another entire day of playtime before going back to work (thank God). Apparently we’re going to be really busy next week. We were already busy last week, with people away sick and all.

I am so tired. I had a nap today for a few hours, but I just seem to be exhausted. I think I just need to not rush around and do too many things, go out late at night drinking too often…. Just take things easy. Or else I won’t get better any time soon. This cold seems to be never ending. (Oh woe is me!)

Here are some photos (I’m too tired to continue on with my usual bloggity blog blog blogness.)


One of the birds from the pet shop at Mt. Gravatt that Christian and I went to on Thursday. Kudos Christian for the picture.

The cockatoo at the pet shop, who decided that he was so offended by my nail polish that he would punish me by biting my finger when I least expected it. Kudos Christian again :)


Cal & Mel being “emo”

Owen trying to be emo, but really he just ended up looking like he’s trying out for Shakespeare.


Brooke and Calum (must have been a funny joke)

Benyamin (SMILE!)


Me & Tanya, awww


Peepee looking like he wants to murder someone.

 

I have THE sorest throat on record. On my record, that is. I don’t know about anyone else’s. They gotta take care of they own business. It was really difficult to concentrate at work today. I was helping Mel track, and at the start I just felt like I was falling into a pit of never-ending boredom and despair. And tedium. Oh the tedium. But after a while, I just switched to autopilot, and let my thoughts wander.

I’ve been reading “Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley. Even though the lives of the people that the book is written in the point of view of are really good, there’s this strange insidious undercurrent running through it that makes me feel sort of anxious. It’s the same way I feel when I think I can hear my alarm (the beep beep beep beep!). Especially if I’m already awake. It’s almost like I have Matrix moments where I think, “but if that’s my alarm…. what am I doing here?” Once, when I was doing work experience at the vets, I woke up and thought that I was still at the vet’s surgery. I stood up, and the room was pitch black, and I thought I had fallen asleep on the silver table they put the animals on. I was so afraid, and I kept thinking, “How can I still be here? Why didn’t someone notice that I hadn’t gone home?”

It was so incredibly real. So I walked around my room, feeling the walls and trying to find the door. It wasn’t where I thought it should be, and I knocked some things off my shelf (in the state I was in, I thought they were medicine bottles). Eventually I found my door handle, and suddenly I realised that I was at home. I think I was sleep walking. My subconscious mind had managed to convince my conscious mind that I was somewhere completely different to where I actually was. Apparently I do that a lot though – get up and walk around in my sleep. So I’ve probably done that dozens of times, but just not remembered.

Maybe I went back to bed before I woke myself up. It was a horrible shock though, and I understand why the rule is not to wake people who are sleepwalking.

I was thinking today about Thursday night, when me, Wil & Chris went out for dinner at a Chinese place in the Valley. Afterwards we went to the Beat, and there we met some guy who was trying to convince us he was straight. But he was at the Beat, on a Thursday night, alone, his wife at home by herself… a likely story. Anyway, he ended up making out with Chris’s trannie friend to prove that he wasn’t gay, except that he didn’t know she was a trannie. NEVER make out with anyone at the Beat that you don’t know. I never make out with anyone at the Beat FULL STOP. But that’s because I’m kind of just an anachronism (as true straight people at the Beat are), I’m only there to hang out with my friends and have fun. In any case, I couldn’t care less whether that guy was gay or straight. Who was he trying to convince? I have blank parts in my mind from that night. A couple of things Chris later told me I said to him I have no memory of. And when Chris and I got home, we were both ridiculously sick. We had been sharing drinks all night (Chris would buy one, then I would buy one, and so on, and we’d share one drink between us) because we were povo, so I was thinking perhaps someone put something in our drink. I’ve never been that sick before – not even on the night before my birthday, when I drank vodka, then beer, then wine, then vodka… and so on. And lots more than I had to drink on Thursday night. Chris and I have both established that it wasn’t the quantity of alcohol we drank that made us so sick. Wil wasn’t sick so it shouldn’t have been the food. So…

Calum has introduced me to the character “Lauren” from the Catherine Tate show (which I didn’t even know existed! For shame!) Here are some youtubes:

What are you wearing?

Are you gay, sir?

Bing bing

Are you calling my mum poor?

Things from today:

* Am I bovvered?
* Pointing and laughing at random pigeons in King George Square
* Trying to decide if we knew the guy sitting on the edge of the Watersense garden at KGS
* Calum’s exasperated, “why do you always pick things up off the ground?” Which to me sounded like a parent admonishing a naughty child, and I’ve been laughing about it since.
* The emails today….
* Chicken soup for sick kids Ben, Chrissie & Calum
* My arm is doing extremely well ^_^. According to physio. Apparently, much better than most people at the 2 month post-op point.

I saw them dismantling the Ekka today on my way home. Does that mean that everyone should be feeling better by next week? It’s not the Ekka’s fault that it brings such pestilence, I know. It’s the carnies.

I wonder if that’s too un-pc?

 

Tonight mum made a meal that was my worst nightmare: a concoction of egg, potato, tuna & peas. Gross! I don’t know what’s going on with mum lately… it’s as if, now we are older and more able to fend for ourselves in the kitchen, she has just shed her persona of being an amazing cook. Mums are always good cooks. But it’s been strange lately, what with the saltiest satay sauce on record, and now this mixture of four evils… I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose. I think she’s just preoccupied with living her own life now. Lauren is becoming a better cook. Once, when we lived in Morningside (Morningside for life ow!), we had people over for dinner and made this big vegetarian lasagne. Really we were just making it up as we went along, and Lauren only had one task: cook the sweet potato. She ended up leaving it in the oven too long and burning it. But the meal turned out nice anyway. Now Lauren has some things she’s really good at. She makes awesome minestrone especially.

This Friday night we’re having farewell drinx for Tanya. She’s going to the opposite side of the world. Drinx will be at Port Office, which I am somewhat surprised at because usually the first suggestion everyone makes is Embassy. I don’t mind the Embassy, but really only if we are in a decent sized group. I haven’t been to the Port Office much. Usually if I leave a place in the city, I’ll just head straight into the Valley. I love the Valley. It’s so dirty and dingy and apathetic. Those don’t sound like good things… but it’s just like… you can do anything you want there. No one cares. It’s becoming a bit more “city”ish, though. The Valley used to be a lost more Valley and less City. But now the City folk have started taking over. All good things must come to an end :( (That’s a dumb thing to say. It’s such a blanket excuse for not trying.) It’s going to be fun to go out with everyone. We don’t do it often enough. Even though I will be so broke and not even able to buy one drink,

It will still be a good night.

Blah blah blah.

I’m so tired.

Saturday afternoon Chris and I went to New Farm Park. We sat down on one of the grassy bits in the gardens and watched everything. I took pictures of the dead, grey ground and the sad-looking garden beds because I was afraid to point my camera anywhere there were people, since that law came out that you aren’t allowed to take photos of other peoples’ children even if they just get in the shot by accident. So I accidentally got a picture of guy sunbathing, through the gaps in the bushes. It’s really hard to see though.

Beautiful
Beautiful, lush, garden bed
My hands     Chris' hands
My hands, and Chris’ hands. My hands look like they belong to different people, or one’s twisted around the wrong way.

After that we went to see the playground, which I hadn’t seen before. Chris has a phobia of children, because he says, “anything can happen”, and he recounted a story of how he was at a park in Ipswich and some little kid ran up and hugged his leg and thought that he was it’s dad, and Chris knew there was nothing he could do, whatever happened, that kid was going to start crying. And he just wanted not to exist. Haha. And then the kid looked up and realised it wasn’t his dad at all, it was Chris, and he ran off crying.

Haha.

beebeebee! That’s the message windows flashing orange at me. I want to finish this off because then I am closer to going to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Sleep sleep sleep.
TeeTee
Rosie’s cat in the jungle in our front yard

 

I was ill today, and didn’t make it into work. Last night when I got home from dinner with Willy & Chris I was so sick. Violently ill. The only other time that I have thrown up in the last ten years (even longer) was after our work Christmas party last year. Actually, not even after. While I was STILL THERE. Passed out in the bathroom. It was the horrible cheap wine that did it, and now I can’t drink wine without it reminding me of that night. Yucky. But yeah, anyway, last night I threw up, and this morning. I felt a little better after each time, but then would go back to feeling horrible soon enough. Then I had the bright idea to go back to sleep while I was still feeling relatively okay, and then I woke up about five hours later feeling somewhat more human than I had. Now I feel slightly sick and extremely exhausted. I will go to bed soon, but there were a couple of things I wanted to post about first.

Firstly, while I was away from work today, Calum acted up and requisitioned a mask from Gail (reasons for Gail having this mask in the first place were not explained, and Calum told me to stop asking so many questions about it. But I ask questions! That’s what I do!) And they got a photo of it.

Calumcat

Also it was sent to my phone, but I can’t get MMS because I’m using a ye olde Nokia craphone right now, on loan from the Optus Store while my phone either gets fixed or replaced (fingers crossed on replaced!). So I keep getting these messages that are from “99″ and say “message cannot be displayed”.  I haven’t yet tried to retrieve them from Optuszoo, I’m not sure if that is a possibility. I will check after I finish this post. Other messages in the inbox, I discovered, are left on there from the person who last got this phone on loan. I’ll have to remember to delete the messages from the phone before I give it back. But then again maybe I’ll leave them on there, so that people can read them and get half the story of random occurrences in my uber interesting life.

Before I took my phone in to get fixed, Brooke MMSed me pictures of my kitten that I don’t have yet because it was only born two weeks ago:

Napoleon kitten
Napoleon Kitten

Cute! It looks as though the winning name is “Napoleon”. Rosie wanted me to name it “Button”, because ages ago I said that if I ever got a new pet I would call it “Button”, because it would be cute as a button. But if you look at that kitten, I think that calling it Button would be stating the obvious. Also, it might end up being shortened to BUTT, and I don’t want to do that to the poor defenceless animal.

I’m sure there is a special place in hell reserved for those that don’t think of the possible nasty nicknames a kid could get before naming them. (For further examples of this, please see the hotlinks on College Humor… this site is sometimes funny, but most of the time makes me lose faith in the human race.)

I watched Azumi 2 on Wednesday night, when Brian & David were over. They all watched V for Vendetta. I was thinking that I might want to get V for Vendetta one day, so I didn’t want to watch it again. I started watching it and then got bored so I watched Azumi 2 instead. I don’t think I saw the ending. Sometimes I have trouble sitting right through movies. I’ll get up and walk around and miss a whole chunk. With Azumi 2, it didn’t matter, because it was just like a live-action anime. Cool as. I love the whole feudal Japan feel of it. Check out these promo caps from the movie:

Azumi 2 azumi 2

Cooool. Anime style. The movies don’t have big budgets, but I think they’ve done fairly well with what they had. It really is just like a cartoon. When someone gets shot, they do the whole blood spurting out like a fountain, and everyone dies with this really shocked look on their face, like they never saw it coming even though their careers involve deliberately placing themselves in life-threatening situations every day.

For some reason I looked up that “every time you masturbate, god kills a kitten” thing on wikipedia (here if you’re curious). I can’t remember why. I think just because the picture seemed so funny, that there were domo-kuns in the background, and the kitten doesn’t look like he’s afraid of them at all. There are a couple of different images..

Domo-kun
domo-kun

But check this out:

fark kitten key

I have a key of the domo-kun kitten! =^_^= Awesomo Powaaaaaaa!

And for another pointless exercise: Lauren’s cat Peepee (AKA PeeDoll, Doll, People, Peephole, Pole, Polap) loves me and won’t leave me alone. He sits outside my door and scratches, and it used to be just because he either wanted food, or wanted to be let out or let downstairs, but now it’s just because he wants to come in and sleep on the end of my bed:

PeePee

But he hates poor Deedee (AKA Dinna, Deedee, Dee, Deedoll, Gomenschnala). Here is the proof:

Poor Deedee

In case you can’t tell what that is, it’s a picture of Deedee that was stuck on the wall beside my door. There are four pictures up there (there used to be five. Peepee has already ruined one of them beyond repair) and now there will only be three. I haven’t taken it down yet because I don’t want Peepee to have the satisfaction of knowing he’s forced Dinna’s memory further into the depths of forgotten history. Lauren said that Peepee was just trying to hug Deedee, but his claws got in the way. Well, I say that cats don’t have retractable claws for nothing. He could have kept them hidden if he had wanted to. No, what was done was very much intentional. I won’t hold it against him though; I understand that it must have been difficult living in the shadow of such a super duper cat as Deedee.

Ok. That’s enough crap. I’m going to sleep (hopefully).

 

Nathan’s friends Brian & David are over for drinx tonite. I have had one and a half, and already I feel a bit woozy. I think it’s because I’m still sick. Later on we’re going to watch V for Vendetta. I think I liked that movie. It was so long ago that I saw it, so I’m not sure. I’ll find out tonight when we watch it again. At least it’s not frickin Phantom of the Opera. I think the whole reason that play works is because everyone is in awe of the mechanics of it when it’s done on stage, but in a movie there’s nothing amazing about the SFX and so your attention is directed to the storyline, songs, and acting. All of which are far too overly dramatic and exaggerated for film. It’s much more suited to live stage action.

I just asked Calum if he thinks we could have another depression. Now I’m thinking of that book, “Somewhere around the corner”. I really liked that book, it was interesting. It was about this girl who went back in time somehow, back to the depression in 1929, and they lived in a place called happy valley. They were poor and there were lots of kids, but they were happy, and things were much more simple then.

Now we have everything we want and more, and I want to go watch Azumi 2 because I just got it out from the video store and it’s $1.95 Tuesday! A dollar ninety-five for any video! Bargain! I liked the first Azumi. It was like a live-action anime. So I’m going to watch the second one just for follow-ups.

I want to download the soundtrack to Zelda, because sometimes when I’m at work I get tunes in my head and I just want to listen to them, and I would so much rather be at home playing Zelda or Norrath or Katamari than be at work.

I want to see Battle Royale. I have heard about it but have never got around to seeing it. It’s ekka day tomorrow. I’m working. Goodie. There are 11 people in our team (out of 18) working ekka day. I guess the allure of double time & a half was more attractive than spending more than we earn in a fortnight at the ekka. I don’t think I’ll go at all this year. I’m far too broke. I’d rather spend my money on going out on Thursday night. Maybe Friday, who knows. I don’t know. Or Saturday… Last

Saturday night was fun.

 

Legends was fun. We are legends. I am a legend with an Ipod. Mel is a legend with a coffee machine. Tanya is a legend with a stereo/dvd player. Kathryn is a legend with a holiday. Kirra is a legend with a PS2.

Yay.

This Thursday I’m going to dinner with Willy & Chris. We’re going somewhere in Chinatown, and Willy is going to order lasagne at the Chinese shop. He said he wasn’t going to, but I will convince him. I’m so looking forward to it. I think we’ll go out afterwards as well, because Willy has Wednesday and Thursday off. I will wear comfortable shoes this time so that I don’t end up taking them off to walk around the Valley looking like a bogan. And then have to walk home from the train station in bare feet, freezing half to death because I don’t have a jacket and my feet are wet because it’s so late/early that the dew has already formed on the grass and so my feet are cold, wet, and painful as all hell, and I am freezing and have another 20 minutes walk before I get home.

The night was worth it though. I had so much fun. Awards night was good. We were dancing even though the music was crap, then I made them play Blister in the Sun even though they didn’t want to (I have no idea why. It is the most AWESOME song ever to dance to). Plus I got an Ipod out of it, and then when I went into the Valley and met up with Chris it just ended up being the most fun ever. We stayed at The Beat until the last train at 3:57am, and Chris and JoJo walked me to the train station and I had to beg them for the train fare because I thought I only had $16.00 left in my account so I didn’t have enough to get money out of an ATM. Then I checked my account htis morning, and actually i had $28.00 in there so I could have gotten it out and bought another couple of drinks and still had enough to catch the train home. I think it’s lucky I didn’t, because now I have enough left to catch the train home for the next couple of days and then it’s payday anyway, so I’m fine. Plus I made spaghetti tonight and now I have another five containers of it in the fridge as well as having fed everyone for dinner tonight. That was a good meal. So I’m all cool. YESSSS.

I’m catching up with lots of people I haven’t seen for a while on Thursday. I’m having lunch with Chrisanova, then dinner with Willy and Chris (other Chris – gay Chris). I haven’t seen Willy since high school, so it will be good to see him again. We talked for ages tonight, he told me about his job at the call centre in Bank of QLD (EDS) and some crazy old guy that called and said he was out at woop woop and the ATM wasn’t working, and how was he meant to get home? But there was a TV and a radio blaring in the background. Then he called again and said he was out woop woop and the merchant was threatening to steal his liver with knife, and what was he supposed to do? And again he called and said that his wife was out doing grocery shopping (this at 3am mind you) and that she wouldn’t be pleased when she went to pay and it didn’t work because the BoQ servers were down for maintenance. Then he called and said that he was going to sue BoQ because he had lost $2million due to their ATMs not being up and running and he had wanted to put some money on a bet, and the bet was a winner, but he didn’t get to put the money on it because the bank servers were down. Idiot. But it made for some amusing anecdotes.

Anyways. I’m still sick. I’ve got a terrible cough and my throat is sore. Sometimes I can’t talk, and when I can talk my voice is all croaky. I don’t want to go to the doctor because I know I’ll get better soon. It’s interesting to see what new symptoms each new day brings. I will be working ekka holiday, because that’s just too much money to turn down for a day off work.

Anyway, here are some photos:

Queensland Cultural Centre

Queensland Cultural Centre. Calum made the point that this is an oxymoron, because culture does not exist in Queensland. On this point I would have to agree.

Macks as a tree huggin hippy

Macks (Calum’s cat) is a tree-hugging hippy.

me as a dork

I am a dork. This award looks like it should be in Lord of the Rings, with all it’s pewter swirls. This was after about 10 champagne & orange juices.

Kirra's placecard

Special instructions on Kirra’s placecard thing.

My placecard

Kirra got me back. See how drunk she was?

Harley

Harley appreciating precious Brisbane water at the taps at the Beat.

Chris & Harley poseurs

Chris and Harley being tragic poseurs.

More on this later: Thursday night should generate a lot more photos to be posted :)

I wrote an ode to Anton LaVey* on behalf of Nathan (work Nathan):

Oh, Anton LaVey
How subterranean your nature
How abrasive your personality
How gimicky your actions.
How contumacious your words
Until the radio people say,
“But what if you are wrong?”

My tattoos shall be swirly
My umbrella black and oft used
And forever I shall be
YOUR MINION.

* I just thought I would add, in case you don’t want to check the link for Anton LaVey (because no one seems to know who he is), he’s the founder of Satanism. Which is a very misunderstood religion. To quote wiki, “…[LaVey] claimed no supernatural âinspirationâ for this religion, but rather synthesized his understanding of human nature and the insights of earlier philosophers who advocated materialism and individualism. LaVey viewed Satan not as a literal deity or entity, but as a historic literary figure symbolic of Earthly values…”

 

I don’t know why these latin phrases show up on my google homepage, but they’re interesting so I’m glad for them. Today was okay. I worked late, and couldn’t remember why, and I said to Kathryn, “Do you remember why I said I was going to work late?” Kathryn said she didn’t know, but perhaps it was because I was supposed to have an appointment yesterday and so I was going to come in late. But I didn’t because the bus came too late for me to make my appointment so I just went straight to work, and ended up getting there on time. Then I didn’t have lunch because I was meant to leave at about 1:30pm to make my 2:00pm appointment, but I didn’t end up going so I didn’t have lunch. I left at 3:55pm though, so I guess I got my lunch hour by leaving early. But I said to Kathryn tonight, “I don’t care if I was working back to make up for yesterday. I’m getting too much work done right now to stop, so I’ll just stay anyway.”

I caught a cab home tonight after gym because I was just so tired, and I was a little bit shaky because I feel very weak right now. Plus the bus wasn’t coming for another 40 minutes, and I didn’t have enough cash for a bus ticket anyway, and those girls in the pink cowboy hats were walking around like they’d never heard of wearing pants… And then tonight I had a stupid argument with Calum because I can’t communicate my thoughts and feelings sufficiently or without making someone else feel like I’m belittling them. I feel kind of crap. I don’t want to undermine the value of anyone else’s opinion. I can’t even say what I really mean now, and I’m not actually talking to anyone. What is wrong with me?

We have awards night this Saturday. I’m not really looking forward to it. I don’t know how to do my hair, what shoes to wear, and I’m not going to feel comfortable in the clothes that I have. I won’t feel comfortable conforming to someone else’s ideal, living in someone else’s world where the rules are very strict on what should and shouldn’t be said, done, worn… I want to crawl under a rock and not come out until after it’s all over. Or I want to wear something really outrageous and say, “I don’t care about your expectations.”  I don’t want to care about expectations and living up to what people want. It seems like my entire life is spent trying to be the person that I think people want me to be, and then I end up not knowing who I actually am when there isn’t anyone else around for me to please. How can I make you happy? That’s the main thing I’m thinking whenever I am around other people. Or, How can I make you see that I’m worthwhile? So I end up acting out, acting up, anything to be seen or heard, just not ignored or dismissed as unimportant. I feel like I’m lying because I actually do think I am unimportant, so when people do pay attention to me, I feel like it’s a sham, they don’t know who I am, I can’t tell them how I really feel or what I’m really thinking because I’ll be rejected.

I love my friends. Who are they?

 

Look how skinny my sad poor wrist is.

Poor wrist.

I <3 my new computer. It has a little slot where you can put memory cards in (like XD or SD) and it has a fingerprint sensor that I use to log on instead of typing a password, which is so AWESOME.

I’m tired. And cold. And I feel sick. Google said that it was 19degrees right now but I’m disinclined to believe it on that one. Google may be smart, but I only trust current observation in the form of stepping outside and looking upward when it comes to meteorological predictions. Because it’s a weather REPORT, not a weather PREDICTION. Weather people aren’t like gypsies with crystal balls. They’re scientists! Using an imperfect science that never gets it right. There’s no point even watching the weather, apart from when it’s on Sunrise because almost everything on sunrise is entertaining. Except for when they have boring bands on there, like Il Divo, and The Veronicas, and I’m sure they’ve had Shannon Nole on there before too.

We have been watching Aus Idol. I have not sold out. We only watch it at the start, because they show all the really bad people who think they’re good. It’s so painful to watch. I don’t think it’s necessary for Kyle and Mark to be as mean as they are, but I still wonder: Where do these people get the idea that they are talented? They’re all mad. MAD  I tells ye! It was especially funny when that psycho kid went in and tried to sing and did all these suggestive gyrations to the judges, and then everyone else left, and Kyle had to fight him off by pushing the table over. It was even funnier because one of Rosie’s emo friends looked like him sort of. And the impression that I got from Rosie’s friend was the same impression I got of the psycho kid.

Occupational Therapy & Physio tomorrow. I wonder if they’re sick of me asking for tubular bandages yet? I hope not. They fray so easily, and if I put them in the wash they’re just completely useless. I wonder when I have the operation to take the pins out. I’m alternating my guesses. I think it might be a while from now because my wrist needs time to recover. But then again, the pins in the soft tissue and muscle are preventing me from having full movement in my wrist, so it can’t fully recover while they are in there.

Hmmmm. Kirra mentioned the August winds today, and said Calum seemed like he was getting excited about them. Kathryn said she laughed when her mother told her that kids go crazy in the August winds, but now she knows it’s true. They really do go crazy. I didn’t know that August winds were common knowledge, that everyone knew there were crazy winds come Ekka time. I mean, I know, because every year when we go to the Ekka it’s ridiculously windy and ridiculously cold. And dry. And westerly. I don’t like westerly winds. They are the bringers of pestilence!

My wrist hurts. As soon as I put my head down, I’ll be asleep. I’d better not rest my eyes. I’d better put my computer away now so I don’t hurt it.

Nigh nighs everyone.

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