I’m tired (as per usual). Apparently I’ve been cultivating a reputation for silence. Ro said to me today, “You don’t talk much, do you?” And I guess I haven’t been. I’d just as soon hide in a dark hole somewhere, away from everything and everyone. Oooh I’m so anti-social. Well, I have my moments at least. I’ve been trying to explain to people how I feel, but I don’t think they get it because they’re not dumb wimpy babies like I am, so they can’t empathise. “Life’s so hard!”.
I have found I can’t handle boring conversations. I can’t handle boring anything. You know the stupid, everyday crap that everyone goes on with… it frustrates me so much, I’d just as soon lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling than have to listen and respond in kind. And it’s tiring me out. It’s exhausting not being interested in anything, and I know I don’t hide my feelings very well, and this worries me. It’s different now to how it was before, because when I was younger I used to let my feelings out and scream and yell and rage on, but now if I feel anything like anger or frustration I hide away somewhere until it goes away. And if it doesn’t go away.. well.. I stay there. There have been exceptions, but right now it makes me uncomfortable to air my feelings in an open forum, and communicate them to people not in words but in actions. I can’t do it. Unless it’s outside my control, eg. bursting into tears about something. But the problem has now become that I feel this way so often that I am more removed from life than living it.
We went to see V for Vendetta today. It was good. Sort of… confronting, in a Hollywood bullshit kind of way. The references to Nazi Germany were a little too obvious – the fervent, die-hard, extremist dictator, the blind acceptance by a desperate population, the propaganda (when is news ever NOT propaganda?), the religious links of the party emblem, the prison camps for medical experiments filled with the usual downtrodden (gays, muslims, enemies of the state, those guilty of sedition or treason…)… Oh sorry, did I just give away the general plot of the movie? Not really, it’s worth seeing. Even if Natalie Portman’s british accent was a bit too forced. They really gave the brits a good ol’ beating. I don’t think that the British hold any particular grudges against the Americans for wanting to be independent, because the independents won that battle fair and square (all’s fair in love & war). It’s not like the Brits’d still be sulking… What a vainglorious, presumptuous concept! America’s such a great country – all the rest of the world is so jealous that we’re just waiting with bated breath for their downfall! Pffft. Anyway, the suggestions put forth were a bit simplistic, but I guess that main releases have such a broad target audience that they’d have to cater to those who don’t want to have to think too hard about things. Spoon-feeding audiences is a finely honed skill these days.
My hair is growing long. I need a haircut. I wanted to dye it this weekend, the blonde is coming through again. I have to cover it before people see it and make assumptions which they might not have otherwise come to until I did something obviously blonde (this being a daily occurence, there’s really not that much difference).
Noelle is moving out this weekend. I wonder if we’ll get to see her place tomorrow, or if it will have to wait a while longer.
Sigh.
Work on monday. As usual. We’ll be busy, as usual. I’ll be tired, as usual. And bored. Don’t forget bored. Agh.