Maybe mum was right – maybe I am getting the flu. My back aches, my shoulders ache, my legs ache… Maybe this is what having the flu feels like? Maybe it makes you depressed, and bored, and angry, and tired… I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had the flu. I’ve had colds, yes, but not many. I think the worst cold I had was when we were in Ireland. I’ve had pneumonia… but that’s a whole different thing.
So. Flu so far = depressed, tired, angry, achy… And here was I thinking that when you have the flu you actually get sick! Silly me! But my problem couldn’t possibly be LIFE, could it? No, no, of course not! Life’s not at all depressing! Life doesn’t make you angry or wear you out or hurt you! No… people hurt you. Not life. People wear you out, make you angry. But I suppose that people are part of life (unless you’re a hermit. Are you a hermit?), so really it’s all the same thing.
Oh I think I’m digging a deep hole for myself right now.
And you know, I’m pretty good at pretending in everyday life, but for some reason it’s not working right now. My pretending abilities have up and left me when I most need them! “I’m fine. I don’t want people to worry about me.” “People are going to worry about you whether you want them to or not.” Well really! Everyone tells me not to worry about things! I’m not allowed to worry about things, but everyone else is allowed to worry about me? How is that fair? And I’m so darn good at it too!
And also, everyone keeps saying to me, “you’re very intelligent.” but I’d really like to know how they came to this conclusion. I am having trouble seeing it. If I am stupid enough to get myself into a mess like this (feelings with no cause! Where on earth do they come from?) AGAIN, where does the intelligence I supposedly possess step in? when does it help me answer the questions I’m asking of everyone else? why doesn’t anyone else worry or care about the same things as me?
My catchphrase at the moment = “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get over it.”
Ro and I saw Aeon Flux today. It was nothing like the cartoon, and really the best part was the SFX, but it was good to just sit and not think about anything for a couple of hours. I think Beck & I are going to see “when a stranger calls” tomorrow. Good. I love horror movies.
I hope it rains again soon. I love rain.
There’s a party on up the road. They were playing crap music when Ro & I were waiting for the bus today, and now the music is even more crap, and it’s worse because I’ll be going to bed in a minute, trying to get to sleep. I’ll get over it.
Noelle & I have been leaving things for each other on the bus stop near our house. First she left stickers from her shoes, then I left a 2 pence coin (which then disappeared) then I left a ten pence coin, and it was there for a week and a half. I mentioned this to Ro this morning when we were waiting for the bus. “I can’t believe that 10pence is still there. I put it there like a week and a half ago.” Then, this afternoon:
Noelle: JESUS IS THE LORD!!
Me: Whaaat?! (as this was fairly out of the blue)
Noelle:Jesus is the Lord… you didn’t write it?
Me: Write what?
Noelle: The note at the bus stop!
Me: Noooo…?
Noelle: The coin is gone and there’s a note left there in it’s place, I thought you must have done it!
At this point I ran to the bus stop… sure enough there’s the note, pencil on green paper “Jesus is the lord!”. As my coin was still there at lunch time when Ro and I left, it must have happened only this afternoon sometime before we got home from the shops. WEIRD. I stuck the note to the bus stop using the shoe stickers that Noelle originally put down. I wonder who is trying to communicate with us? The rest of the afternoon was punctuated by occasional exclamations from me of “That’s amazing! I can’t believe that!” Wow. what next? I can hardly wait to see.
I bought an Iriver on Friday to cheer myself up. I was happier when I got back to work (after a conversation with the Team Leader that left me in tears because she was being nice to me and I can’t handle people being nice to me and saying “You’re allowed to be upset”. No, I”m not.) but I said to Team Leader “I’ll have to just get over it. I can’t afford to do this all the time!” I really can’t. I think that the amount you spend is directly proportional to how good you feel afterwards and for how long. So I felt pretty cheery for a couple of hours. That doesn’t bode well for my credit card. But then again, I guess it just proves that you can’t rely on retail therapy. I mean, I’m enjoying transferring all my music and pictures over to my Iriver (it’s killing the interminable boredom of my boring life for a little while at least) but it’s not making me feel happy. I said to Noelle on Friday afternoon, “I know that there’s another way to feel, because I haven’t felt this way forever, but I just can’t get back there.”
Ah this sounds suspiciously like I’m feeling very sorry for myself right now. But I’m not, I’m angry at myself. I don’t think I deserve any sympathy whatsoever. So don’t give me any. Oh and I don’t want any pity either – you can keep it.