2006 March | casbot.com.au

When I dream my dreams I dream of you

Mar 302006

More thoughts from last night:

I made you promise you would see
“At least try!”
Back at home,
The curtains drawn,
I am in a world of my own.
Pale light and morning sounds
A repetitious bell
Soft voices smoothed by sun
And cast upon a gentle breeze
Carried up over the fence
Up to the trees
And down through my window
To calm and comfort restless thoughts

The air is so clear today!
Cool quiet consoles
A form stretched supine across the bed
Transparent, translucent, barely alive
If truth be told
I think I’ll stay here.

If God takes life, he’s an indian giver…

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Mar 282006

Where the bloody hell are you… REASON… COMMON SENSE???

You HAVE to watch this. Everyone. C’mon. It’s exactly what I was trying to say, but more eloquent and abrasive (at the same time? Genius!)

I can say LOL because I was actually laughing out loud while watching it, and it wasn’t just a LOTI thing.

So true.

Thanks Anna.

Anyway. I watched Howl’s Moving Castle again today. I love Howl. I can’t believe he got upset that his hair went black. Well, firstly he was upset that his hair went orange and so maybe it didn’t look all that great, but it went dark so it’s all good. Much nicer than boring old blonde. Why does everyone want blonde hair anyway? I’d like to have Sophie’s hair – ‘the colour of starlight’ !! haha. Really it’s just grey. But when she was young again it looked cool. I thought it was a nice inclusion, the way Sophie changed from old to young throughout the movie, through her posture, the lines on her face, the length of her hair… it was really interesting. Something I noticed more the second time, because the first time we watched it at the movies and we were sitting either front row or close to, and it was the subtitled session so most of my attention went to that. I noticed the subtle (though today they didn’t seem so subtle) changes in the illustration of her, but thought maybe I was imagining things or not paying close enough attention and making changes up in my head.

So, back to work tomorrow. Doctor tomorrow afternoon. That’s good because I feel like crap.

I can take you with both eyes behind my back!

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Mar 262006

A bike is good, because it’s like walking, only on fast-forward, and also more fun when you go down hills and such (except that I wouldn’t go down the hill on Montpelier, as that would be about as stoopid as stepping in front of a car… Ooops!). So on a bike you can fast-forward through the boring and time-consuming bits (like the boring walk to the store, or the boring walk practically anywhere in this boring suburban suburb) and then slow down back to real-time by getting off and walking when you get to an interesting part (like the botanical gardens, or roma street parklands… why am i so obsessed with green growing things? I think it’s because I’m missing home.)

I want to go home, and see the ocean, and the lake, and the trees and the wildflowers and the swamp and the spiders and the snakes and the frogs and the emus and the foxes and everything. Dad has suggested we visit for Easter long weekend, which would make a change from him always coming up to visit us. He said “it doesn’t matter when you come down, I’m always here you know.” Yes, I know. It’s just harder for us, because we can’t drive and don’t own cars, and don’t have a job where we can pick and choose our hours so much. So if Ro & I go down there, we’ll be catching the bus. If I get a bike before then, I want to take it along. I’d like to ride out to the beach – back beach, greenpoint, dump beach, shelly.. actually, you can’t really ride to shelly, you have to walk.

I want to do something interesting.

I wonder what is going to happen tomorrow? I think that Kirra is more worried about things than I am. I really couldn’t care less at this stage – there are so many things that I’ve been thinking about and worrying about and caring about getting upset about and losing sleep about… I don’t think I have the energy for it anymore, and not for something that, in the end, makes no real difference to my life.

Everyone should just get over it. You included.

Untitled

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Mar 252006

I went to work for a couple of hours this morning. I ended up leaving early because the aircon never went on. Because, you know, if the aircon is on, you can sort of ignore the fact that what you’re breathing is stale and processed (like the rest of modern life!), and the fact that there are no windows, and maybe that prevents claustrophobia I guess. I wouldn’t know because I don’t have claustrophobia. But I sort of got an idea of what it might be like, because today I wasn’t really in the mood to be putting up with anything. So when the aircon didn’t go on, I got hot and bothered and felt like I was breathing in the air I had just breathed out, and it was so stuffy and hard to concentrate, and annoying. So I left.

The minute I got outside I felt a million times better. The air still had a quiet coolness to it, not entirely dissipated from night-time by the sun. There are more days like this in winter than in summer, and I guess that’s why I like winter better. It’s cool and quiet. And there are days when the quiet takes over everything, and even though the volume level of everything else hasn’t decreased, you somehow don’t notice the noise of the traffic and the city so much. I don’t know if anyone else even understands what I’m talking about. Well, some days are just calm and quiet. I like it best when the air is cool.

I went to Roma parklands and walked around for a couple of hours, through the garden and the rainforest, and it was quiet and cool there as well. I read under a tree for a while and then walked back into the city. I was a bit out of it today, and I walked out onto the road in front of a car, which woke me up a bit because it beeped and I looked over and there was a car a few centimetres away from me. I felt really bad about it, because usually I don’t like to cross unless the little man is green, and today I just didn’t think at all and stepped out onto the road. I could have been killed. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Anyway, because I felt so guilty I thought “maybe I could go to the cop shop and tell them I just jaywalked and they can give me a ticket and I’ll feel better because I should get into trouble from someone other than myself for being so stupid.”. ButI didn’t, because it was just a stupid thought and was just me being dumb again in my own head. I have a lot of stupid thoughts.

I also thought to myself “If there’s a movie on when I get into the mall, I should go and see a movie. By myself.” Because i had only one cinema voucher left, and therefore if i went with someone else one of us would have to pay full price and that wouldn’t really be fair, and I’ve never been to the movies by myself before, and I always thought I could never go to the movies alone. I don’t know why. So I went to the movies, then caught the bus home. And when I got home, Ro was still being bitchy to me, and I cried, and it upsets me and there’s nothing I can do about it.

We have Penny’s jewellery party tomorrow. I just made a map on whereis, now all i need is a printer. I really should buy one. There’s no reason I should have a laminator and not a printer. That’s just odd.

Also, I want to buy a bike. There’s a bike shop up the street, but I’m not sure when I could go there. And that’s too much to ask for a birthday present. So I don’t know what to ask for. Maybe a helmet.

I should go to bed. I’m compiling a list of things that are worrying:

1. I’m tired all the time.
2. I’m sad all the time.
3. I have no patience for anything
4. all the muscles in my arms ache
5. I can’t cope with things very well
7. I’m not interested in anything
8. I’m bored every single minute of the day
9. I have a sore throat
10. I have no energy (that’s not the same thing as being tired)
11. I can’t sleep
12. When I’m not sad I’m disproportionately happy
13. I have no motivation for anything.

Well. It’s getting there.

Lauren found out last week that she has Lupus. I really should stop complaining. There’s nothing wrong with me. Or if there is, it’s just 21st century disease which is just something made-up by people who are too weak to cope with modern day life. I think I would have done well back in the 1300s when the plague was around. Now that was fascinating. I have to italicise that because I find it interesting, which is a pretty big thing for me at the moment. But yeah, I would have liked to do things from scratch… I like knowing the origin of things, working through from the very start and seeing how things begin. Everything’s too complicated now to be able to do that. To know the origin of.. a computer… you’d have to look at all the individual components. And.. ah well I just can’t really get my head around it right now. Or … a car. that’s pretty complicated too. At least with a horse and cart it’s a pretty simple premise. I suppose that makes me simple.

Lupus: A systemic disease that results from an autoimmune mechanism. Individuals with lupus will produce antibodies to their own body tissues. The resultant inflammation can cause kidney damage, arthritis, pericarditis and vasculitis.

So that’s why Lauren hates sternums, because her sternum always hurts because the connective tissue has been inflamed from her own antibodies attacking it. Nathan hates eyes because when he was in school there was a boy who used to tap his eye with a pencil, and it made him feel like vomiting. So did that episode of the simpsons where Homer gets laser eye surgery with a coupon, and then because he doesn’t buy the eye drops for afterwards his eyes crust over. So Nathan is really happy that the optomotrist said that he can never wear contact lenses because of litte bumps on the inside of his eyelids that are caused by allergies or asthma or something, so he’s got buddy holly glasses that are cool.

Alright. I’m going to go to sleep.

It’s true what Wolf Parade said… “look at the clouds, it’s a show all on it’s own”. Because this morning when I woke up, the sky was completely clear. Then, this afternoon on the bus home, there were the most beautiful clouds scattered everywhere, clouds you’d expect to see in a rennaissance painting. White, with brilliant contrast and detail, just perfect clouds against the bluest sky. Then later on this afternoon, they turned grey and flat and swept across the sky, and maybe it rained too but I don’t know because I wasn’t really paying attention.

Anyway, night.

I’m not afraid of Nichols Park, I ride the train and I ride it after dark

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Mar 222006

The title is true, but I didn’t ride the train after dark tonight, I caught a cab. I don’t know where Nichol’s Park is, but I’m not afraid of it. I don’t like walking past schools at night though, there’s something eerie about a deserted schoolyard, full of shadows, darkness and silence. It’s like the school undergoes a transformation as soon as night sets in, a perfidious metamorphosis… there’s some malevolence that lies dormant in the bright light of day. Maybe this notion has just come about from reading that book “The Gathering”. That was creepy. But then again, you couldn’t walk past South High at night because that was where the bad kids hung out, and the gangs, and the drug dealers etc, and I think someone got beaten to death there once. Or it might have been an animal. Or maybe I made that up in my head.

I met up with Maria after work today. We had dinner with Chong wen (I really don’t know how to spell her name) and Sherry (I don’t know how to spell her name either, so I’m pretty much typing phonetically). They had some amazing stories. Chong Wen is working for New York City College, lecturing in music and doing research on the side into the psychology of music and musicians, and also performing in concerts all around the world. She’s perfoming here on Saturday so hopefully I get to go and see her play (she’s a pianist). It was the first time Maria had seen Chong Wen & Sherry in 11 years, as that is how long Chong Wen has been in New York. But apparently none of them look any different. That’s amazing… 11 years! I think people who knew me 11 years ago wouldn’t recognise me now, but I guess that’s a bit different seeing as I’m only 22. But to think, that none of them changed very much from their 20s to their 30s…

Well. I’m almost 23. That’s scary.

Mum’s birthday first. She’s … hahah I can’t even remember how old she is. 50-something. Why does age stop being so easy to remember as you get older? I can remember Ro’s or Lauren’s age instantly, but ask me mum or dad’s and I falter and sometimes have to do the whole “2006 – 1954… oh was that the year mum was born???” So it’s mum’s birthday tomorrow. I got her: PJs (because winter is closing in on us… Now is the winter of our discontent “oh no! Run!”), an art book, a cd (simon & garfunkel because she’s always going on about how she used to have a simon & garfunkel cd but it went missing. Every few months or so you’ll be asked, “Do you have my simon & garfunkel cd? It’s gone missing.” “No mum, I’ve never had your simon & garfunkel cd.”), some new lights for the deck. I couldn’t afford anything more. So i’ve got to wake everyone up early tomorrow morning because I’m the one that leaves earliest, and we have to do the whole presents and birthday thing before I leave. I’m sure they’ll all be really impressed when I give them a wake up call at 5:30am.

Hopefully I can get some more work done tomorrow than I did today. Bloody meetings. I could care less about annual profit margins and market shares. Oooh if this was 1984 I’d probably be sent for re-education.

I liked you better when you weren’t here

Angst, Family, Music, Nostalgia, Work 1 Response »

Mar 212006

Yeah okay so I think I’m over it.

A broker came to collect documents yesterday and said to me “Aren’t you going to ask for ID?” And I said, “Yeah, like someone’s really going to pretend to be a broker and steal loan documents.” I told Kirra and she was astounded. Apparently that was a little too sarcastic. But I then said “alright then, show me your id.” and he was who he said he was, so what was the problem? I think I missed the point. I think I’m getting a bit reckless.

A continuation of sounds that dominate and annoy:

1. Vaccuum cleaner (especially at work while doing overtime and I’m trying to listen to my MP3, or on Saturday mornings when you’re trying to sleep in and someone starts vaccuuming and it’s another way of saying “get out of bed and get cleaning!”)

2. Mowers (especially on Sunday mornings when you’re trying to sleep in. This noise is really irritating. It’s like the least relaxing sound in the entire world).

3. Tuneless whistling (especially early in the mornings at work when you’re trying to concentrate, and they go on and on and never stop)

4. Bass beats from distant parties at night (especially if it’s on a school night. But this is just annoying any time)

In case you weren’t paying attention, this is a “continuation” as I previously mentioned that TV was dominating and annoying. So I guess that wasn’t really a “sound” thing, but I’m continuing on with a sound theme, because people were just vacuuming in here and I was inspired.

My Iriver is the best thing ever. It’s like listening to a radio station that just plays all your favourite songs all the time (because it’s on shuffle) and you don’t know what it’s going to play next, just that it’s going to be good.

Things remembered:

* being in a TV ad with Noelle for the sale of Dad’s property.
* Going on a treasure hunt at the beach, where the adults had hidden little slips of paper with different amounts on them ($2.00, $1.00, $5.00 SCORE!) and redeeming them for coins that for some reason were either held in paper bags or wrapped up in butchers paper like fish n chips.
* going cane toad hunting with big hessian sacks out on the ranch, and ending up at the sewerage works with Mark O’C, because he thought there would be heaps out there but there WASN’T and we had to put up with the stench for NOTHING!
* taking the bags of cane toads back to the hall for the tally. how gross was that?!
* The time they held a sausage sizzle at the Sewerage works. Whyyyyy???
* Camping at Lake Ainsworth, Lake Arrawarra, Dundurrabin (actually that wasn’t camping…) which was SO MUCH FUN!
* Camping at Broadwater & going down the rapids on inner tubes and lilos (that was SO MUCH FUN! also)
* The wolf man at Broadwater (aaaarrooooooooOOOO!!)
* Ro making pig noises in response to the wolf man
* Drinking hot milos from the campfire late at night.

Oh I love camping.

ronery, sad, sad and brue – Kim Jong-Il

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Mar 182006

Maybe mum was right – maybe I am getting the flu. My back aches, my shoulders ache, my legs ache… Maybe this is what having the flu feels like? Maybe it makes you depressed, and bored, and angry, and tired… I wouldn’t know, I’ve never had the flu. I’ve had colds, yes, but not many. I think the worst cold I had was when we were in Ireland. I’ve had pneumonia… but that’s a whole different thing.

So. Flu so far = depressed, tired, angry, achy… And here was I thinking that when you have the flu you actually get sick! Silly me! But my problem couldn’t possibly be LIFE, could it? No, no, of course not! Life’s not at all depressing! Life doesn’t make you angry or wear you out or hurt you! No… people hurt you. Not life. People wear you out, make you angry. But I suppose that people are part of life (unless you’re a hermit. Are you a hermit?), so really it’s all the same thing.

Oh I think I’m digging a deep hole for myself right now.

And you know, I’m pretty good at pretending in everyday life, but for some reason it’s not working right now. My pretending abilities have up and left me when I most need them! “I’m fine. I don’t want people to worry about me.” “People are going to worry about you whether you want them to or not.” Well really! Everyone tells me not to worry about things! I’m not allowed to worry about things, but everyone else is allowed to worry about me? How is that fair? And I’m so darn good at it too!

And also, everyone keeps saying to me, “you’re very intelligent.” but I’d really like to know how they came to this conclusion. I am having trouble seeing it. If I am stupid enough to get myself into a mess like this (feelings with no cause! Where on earth do they come from?) AGAIN, where does the intelligence I supposedly possess step in? when does it help me answer the questions I’m asking of everyone else? why doesn’t anyone else worry or care about the same things as me?

My catchphrase at the moment = “Don’t worry about me. I’ll get over it.”

Ro and I saw Aeon Flux today. It was nothing like the cartoon, and really the best part was the SFX, but it was good to just sit and not think about anything for a couple of hours. I think Beck & I are going to see “when a stranger calls” tomorrow. Good. I love horror movies.

I hope it rains again soon. I love rain.

There’s a party on up the road. They were playing crap music when Ro & I were waiting for the bus today, and now the music is even more crap, and it’s worse because I’ll be going to bed in a minute, trying to get to sleep. I’ll get over it.

Noelle & I have been leaving things for each other on the bus stop near our house. First she left stickers from her shoes, then I left a 2 pence coin (which then disappeared) then I left a ten pence coin, and it was there for a week and a half. I mentioned this to Ro this morning when we were waiting for the bus. “I can’t believe that 10pence is still there. I put it there like a week and a half ago.” Then, this afternoon:

Noelle: JESUS IS THE LORD!!
Me: Whaaat?! (as this was fairly out of the blue)
Noelle:Jesus is the Lord… you didn’t write it?
Me: Write what?
Noelle: The note at the bus stop!
Me: Noooo…?
Noelle: The coin is gone and there’s a note left there in it’s place, I thought you must have done it!

At this point I ran to the bus stop… sure enough there’s the note, pencil on green paper “Jesus is the lord!”. As my coin was still there at lunch time when Ro and I left, it must have happened only this afternoon sometime before we got home from the shops. WEIRD. I stuck the note to the bus stop using the shoe stickers that Noelle originally put down. I wonder who is trying to communicate with us? The rest of the afternoon was punctuated by occasional exclamations from me of “That’s amazing! I can’t believe that!” Wow. what next? I can hardly wait to see.

I bought an Iriver on Friday to cheer myself up. I was happier when I got back to work (after a conversation with the Team Leader that left me in tears because she was being nice to me and I can’t handle people being nice to me and saying “You’re allowed to be upset”. No, I”m not.) but I said to Team Leader “I’ll have to just get over it. I can’t afford to do this all the time!” I really can’t. I think that the amount you spend is directly proportional to how good you feel afterwards and for how long. So I felt pretty cheery for a couple of hours. That doesn’t bode well for my credit card. But then again, I guess it just proves that you can’t rely on retail therapy. I mean, I’m enjoying transferring all my music and pictures over to my Iriver (it’s killing the interminable boredom of my boring life for a little while at least) but it’s not making me feel happy. I said to Noelle on Friday afternoon, “I know that there’s another way to feel, because I haven’t felt this way forever, but I just can’t get back there.”

Ah this sounds suspiciously like I’m feeling very sorry for myself right now. But I’m not, I’m angry at myself. I don’t think I deserve any sympathy whatsoever. So don’t give me any. Oh and I don’t want any pity either – you can keep it.

I don’t want to try anymore

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Mar 152006

I don’t know what to say … I’m wallowing.

People can be so rude, can’t they? They just think that however they feel is more important than how you feel.

Yeah, I’m good at that too.

I feel like nothing I do at the moment has any point… nothing I do ever leads to anything. Nothing I do has any purpose. And nothing I do is what I want to do. I don’t want to not know where I’m going, I don’t want to be disinterested in everything… I don’t want to cause people to say, “She’s too difficult” and forget about me. I would rather be a privilege than a responsibility. I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. I’m such a pessimist. It’s never going to happen.

Josh once said that he saw me as walking around in the deep, dark woods, with no direction and nothing to guide me, and there was a big wall around the woods that was keeping me trapped in there. But he also saw me climbing over that wall and making my way out into the sunlight. I don’t think that’s going to happen either.

I just want one thing to be easy for once. And I know that some people might say that I make things difficult for myself, but I don’t know another way. If you suck at being you, then there’s not much hope for anything else you might try, is there? How pathetic.

Everything I write lately has been marked by an underlying note of depression. Yuck. It’s insidious, and makes my mind go to dark places. What’s wrong with me?

We’re not enemies, we just disagree

Family, Food, Friends, Going out, Health, Shopping 2 Responses »

Mar 142006

I am not to write much tonight. I was sick today, and I have to go to bed early so I can get some sleep to make sure I’m better by tomorrow.

I’ll just say: I love going grocery shopping. And I love putting everything away when we get home. And there’s all new fresh foods in the fridge, and the pantry is filled, and the possibilities for things you could make or prepare with it all are endless. Never mind that in two weeks (two? Make it one!) time half the stuff will be gone, the other half will be wilted and sad…

Joy of joys – they had my soy milk powder at the supermarket! Now I won’t have to go without tea for at least… a couple of weeks . I’m so happy. That in itself is a little sad – that finding powdered milk could be a source of such happiness for me. Ah well.

Noelle and I are going to celebrate St Pat’s day for real this Friday by going out for a pub lunch when I finish work at 3:30pm, and probably drink some green beer or something.

Because i was sick today, I stayed in my room all day with the curtains drawn and the fan on, just trying to sleep. And when mum came home and I went with her to the supermarket, it was like I’d been in hibernation and the lights at the store were really bright and all the noises were really loud, and everything was sort of surreal. I might have still been half asleep.

I don’t like being sick, and taking days off work. I like to keep some sort of routine during the week, even if it’s not a real routine since I do something different each day and get home at a different time each day, it still seems like a huge interruption to not go anywhere at all. And of course no one likes feeling sick, I guess that goes without saying.

Anyway. Ro you are so BURNT!

My hell comes from inside, comes from inside myself

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Mar 112006

Today is a memory day.

* I remember having blond hair and brown skin and going to the beach every single day

* I remember going for a drive with dad out to the Point during a hurricane. I was afraid. Dad told me about how when he was younger and lived in Sydney, he’d go down to circular quay when big storms came in and ride the ferry just before they cancelled it due to bad weather, because it was fun being on the ferry in the huge waves and pouring rain. I remember thinking that our car was going to be blown off the road, and not being able to see two feet ahead of us, and everything was grey. We went home.

* I remember church on Christmas Eve being so crowded that people lined up outside, and all the kids were outside running around in the yard and everyone was friends with everyone else, and it didn’t matter if we all ran off to the park, it was still counted as being there because we showed up and couldn’t get in, and all the parents stood around outside talking about parent type things.

* I remember when the circus was in town, standing out on our balcony late at night and seeing a drunk guy passed out in the church yard across the street from our place, and hearing the circus music in the background.

* I remember going to the library almost every day after tafe (NERD!), or going to the library in town every second weekend and sitting on the beanbags in the kids section and reading the new kids books, until I turned 11 and started reading from the adult section (and got told off by the librarian – “you can’t read that! Your section is over there —>”)

* I remember going to a party with Chris, and Noelle came too because she was staying with us for the holidays, and we left and met some random guy called Dan, which reminded Noelle and I of an ad for prune juice (Dan Presser, managing director of sunraysia natural beverages, is talking to his mum ruby about a new drink he’s created…) and then we walked down the main street of town and a girl was walking along with a guy, and he was drunk. He pushed Chris into the wall and said “Watch where you’re f**king going!” and the girl who was with him said “Go. Just run.” And we did.

* I remember using the metre-rulers from the blackboard as skis in year six, just before we went on our holiday to the snow, and being strongly reprimanded by the teacher for it (”these aren’t skis! they’re school equipment!”)

* I remember a boy from my class going missing at sea during a storm just after we had started high school. His own father found his body two weeks later at the docks. We had a memorial for him at the church behind our old primary school, and they arranged for all those who had known him to take the afternoon off school and provided a bus from high school to the primary school. It was a sad start to the year.

* I remember going up to the sports field of our village one night, and seeing glowing lines on the ground. One of the parents told us that the glowing stuff was left behind by slugs. I never actually saw any of the slugs.

* I remember going into the bushland surrounding the sports field, and finding paths cut through the scrub that you couldn’t see from the outside. They led to secret hideouts and clearings, and places where other kids had dragged sheets of corrugated iron or cardboard and made shelters and stored things there.

* I remember Noelle, Anna & Clare coming down for Christmas holidays and playing Super Mario Bros 3 and Spy Vs Spy on their Super Nintendo when they stayed out at the farm.

* I remember a Christmas when all the cousins came down to visit, and we put on a show for the parents, and we had tents in our backyard because there were so many people staying.

* I remember taking a kayak out on the lake and discovering what was on the further edges. There were islands and a huge black skeletal tree.

* I remember feeling content.

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