The illimitable loathing of the blanched bones hanging in my cupboard

I am wrong in judging people. And I am wrong to feel so angry. I can’t give advice on things that I don’t fully understand. And I hardly understand ANYTHING. I feel sick from eating junk today. From never drinking soft drink to having three bottles of coke zero… and I don’t even really like it that much. I’ve got so many chemicals in my system right now and I just feel terrible.

I am tired, and was tired before, and it’s hot, and I feel sick, and everything has just culminated in one huge feeling of not wanting to exist. I feel so helpless, for Noelle, who has just had the ending of her neverending relationship. It’s been a long time coming. But the person who provided the finality has just been such a complete fucking selfish asshole about things (there it is – the most swearing you will ever hear uttered from my keyboard) and decided he “didn’t want to deal with it” until he was forced to, which was tonight. I mean, what a freaking joke. How can all of your intentions never actually come to anything? How can you intend to do so many things? How can you treat your friends better and with more respect and more of your time than your so-called girlfriend? I’m sorry, but most guys have things completely messed up. Girls are not a part-time job. They’re not something you just deal with so you can get laid once in a while.

Agh. I have to stop before I rant on.

So we went to Tropfest tonight. We had a BBQ by the sandy pool (oh sorry, I mean beach) of Southbank, and then watched the short films. Apparently Tropfest has the biggest audience of any film festival in the world (this little fact provided by Noelle) due to the simulcasts all over Australia (Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane…). The films were good. One, called “Fishy” was so disturbing I had my hands over my eyes for some of it, half hating and half loving the macabre unreality of it. The end was confusing. I think I got the point (somewhat) but Noelle’s conclusion was so different to mine that I have to wonder. She just hated it, as did Clare. And Clare said, “I know people like you, that like things that disturb you, but you’re nice at the same time, and the other people I know aren’t.” As if liking scary movies immediately makes you the scum of the earth, and anyone who isn’t becomes a curiosity. We missed out on the second half due to the end of the end of the end for Noelle, who was beset by such a profound and encompassing grief (stemming from a conversation with asshole mentioned earlier that left her shattered) that we left immediately.

I hope that Noelle doesn’t let this drag her down forever. I hope that her vibrancy and effervescence and positive energy aren’t marred permanently by the actions of one selfish individual. But it really was the best thing that could have happened. If it went on and on like it had been, then maybe it would set in Noelle the notion that she was only worth as much as he would give her: in time, energy, love…. And she is worth so much more.

And now I’m up far later than I intended, and I have work tomorrow and I’m going to be TIRED along with feeling like crap. At least it’s only another two days until payday (though having no money hasn’t stopped me from spending it). Overtime all this week, plus Saturday. I’m not going to bail on any of it, because I really need the money. The government is going to love me for all the tax they’ll get next week… And for the fact that though I intend on studying very soon I do not intend on quitting my job to do it. And so therefore I’ll still be paying my own way through everything, therefore not asking for any Austudy, therefore no government handouts. I don’t want anything from the government, I could never take something from something/persons that I respect so little. Although I have in the past.

It’s strange, but although there are so many people denouncing the current governing party, they’ve had nothing but wins since I’ve been old enough to vote. How does that happen? I loved that, on Glasshouse the other night, when the American guy said, “You guys get fined if you don’t vote!?” And Dave Hughes said, “Yeah, but you guys get George Bush.” Yeah, but then we get a weedy little idiot who copies George Bush’s every move. So we’re in just as deep as the US in everything. And the stores fill up with American goodies, and everyone wears American fashion, and do you even have to make an effort to put on an American accent? And gosh, I’m sorry, are we spelling recognise with a “z” now? (is that pronounced zed or zee? But I’ve never agreed with the Australian pronunciation of that one anyway). When people overseas mistake Australians for Americans, couldn’t that just be an unintentional comment on our current social & political situation?

I don’t want that to sound like I’m being racist. America is like the obnoxious bully kid at school who’s popular but nobody knows why, and Australia is the young impressionable kid desperately seeking approval from someone who looks like they might be established in a complicated hierarchy. So we’ve chosen our side, and our role model, and though it now occurs that might not have been the best decision, how embarrassing would it be for us to now change our minds! No one seems to want to anyway. What a rort that was – WMD. And the fact that everyone knows the acronym (I guess Team America helped with that)… What a joke. How anyone could think it wasn’t about the oil… The world is bought and sold a million times over and the most important person is always the one with the biggest piece of pie. So I guess now is the time for me to clarify that I mean the United States Government, not the people (because I don’t believe that the election of the Bush Administration by majority of the vote was an actual event, that there wasn’t foul play afoot).

Anyway, what can I do about it? Nothing. So what’s the point of me ranting about it? Best answer being there is no point, but if ever anything I did had a point I’d be highly surprised. Could someone get me a ladder so I can get down off this high horse?