Look at the bright, bright morning and the happiness it brings…

 Food, Money, Work  No Responses »
Dec 212005
 

The bus left without me. I saw it from my window. It is my fault for not being at the bus stop. When the bus arrives, I usually take an unconscious step back, even though I am already back from the kerb. It’s just such a sharp turn that the bus makes, around mum’s car which is parked just before the bus stop, to stop right in front of me. Sometimes I am sure it’s going to drive up onto the kerb, but it never does. It’s always stops in exactly the right place.

One thing I forgot to say yesterday – commenting on the amount of missed calls that I have had lately from “no number”. Whoever it is always calls when I am at work, and everyone knows that I can’t answer my mobile at work. I’ve called a couple of places to see if it was an order that is ready for me to pick up, or my new debit card, or anything normal at all. But it’s none of those. I really want to know who it is, and why don’t they just send me an SMS or something. If they are calling from a landline… well… they should just try not during business hours obviously. Or go to a payphone, because you can send SMS from there. What if it’s something really important? What if they’re jeopardizing something by neglecting to use common sense and call me either outside of work hours, or on another number, or from a phone number that will register in my phone so I can call them back?

Anyway. Next bus comes soon. I’d like to catch this one so I have at least 20 minutes to go to the bank & pay rent today. It’s pay day! A detailed list of all the food I have remaining from the last time we went shopping (i can’t remember when this was): Soy milk powder, canned tuna, tetra soup, frozen bread, a box of water. Hey, that looks like a fine meal to take to work! Except for the frozen bread… and the box of water. That’s too big.

I think when you freeze bread, you freeze it at that point of freshness, but when you thaw it, it starts an accelerated ageing process so that if you don’t eat it straight away, it will soon turn to croutons and then to dust. The first bit to go is the edge, because that’s the hardest part.

Eep I’m going to miss my next bus if i don’t leave RIGHT NOW

 Posted by casbot at 6:44 am

kiss me before it all gets complicated, I’ve got a taste for blood

 Angst, Family  No Responses »
Dec 202005
 

Where do these arguments come from, and these moods and thoughts and everything else? When one day everything is beautiful, the next day I’m hearing anger everywhere and covering my ears so as not to hear something that reminds me so much of the past, something that I can’t stop, have no hope of ever fixing. But I want to fix it, I want to smooth over the ugly words and the ugly faces and the anger and the hurt. I want to make sure no one feels left behind, no one feels like this. It will always come to this point. I don’t like this idea that all good things end and fade. Maybe it’s not faded. Maybe it’s just dull, maybe I could polish it and it will be shiny again.

You tell me what to do and I will do it.

I can hear everyone talking, I can’t hear what they’re saying but I can hear the forcefulness of their words, the way they spit them out onto the floor and then walk all over each other’s sentences. It’s not intentional, me being in my room while all of this goes on, but I am glad to be here rather than out there. Later, I will be told what’s happened via whispered conversations, then I don’t have to deal with the confrontation and everything that goes along with that. I’d rather hear someone else’s version of what happened than be out there.

I saw the fake person on the ladder again, but no one screamed this time.

 Posted by casbot at 9:29 pm

Oh Puppy goo-goo, fetch me a dream!

 Computers, Family, Shopping, TV, Work  1 Response »
Dec 192005
 

Another reason that Word is stupid is because when you use the Find & Replace function, and you click “Replace”, sometimes it doesn’t believe you and you have to click it again before it updates. Like, come on Word, why would I click “Replace” if that’s not what I intended on doing?

I have 20 minutes to go. I bet it drags. It already is. Hmph.

Lauren called and she is going to the shops after work. I am to call her when I finish work (at 7:30pm if I get back by 4:30pm) and we’ll get mum’s present. That means that I probably won’t get a cab with everyone else, and we’ll have to find some other way of getting home. Not many options since Lauren has some aversion to public transport, but I hope we catch the train because then we could walk past the house that has the ladder out the front of their garage with a fake person on it. We screamed when we saw it yesterday. I want to see it again.

11 more days of work. 20 more days until we leave.

Speaking in tongues is on tonight. Also Arrested Development. Yay. I’m going to be tired tomorrow!

 Posted by casbot at 3:34 pm

I want to be someone else or I’ll explode

 Christmas, Computers, Family, Food, Friends, Going out, Movies, Music, Shopping, Travel, Work  1 Response »
Dec 182005
 

IE sucks. It doesn’t recognise that I am already connected to the internet (have you ever heard of Broadband, IE? Welcome to the 21st century IDIOT! Gosh!)  and so it keeps trying to tell me to connect to my dial-up provider. ’sif i’d want to do that!

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that maybe I should add a reference to the blog entry titles that are song lyrics or lines from movies etc., because that could constitute copyright infringement. I know nothing about copyright laws (I have this vague notion of something to do with 10% of intellectual property use being okay, but I’m not sure) so perhaps I should amend them all just to be on the safe side?

Perhaps I will do that right now – not having a legal advisor or representative means I should always err on the side of caution!

Today does not feel like sunday, it feels like saturday. I went shopping with Beck and Tanya, and it was so funny because we planned on seeing a movie, and the movie was on at like… 4:50pm, and we got there at 11:30am, and so we had so many hours of time to fill in, and it didn’t really seem like that long once we had done everything we needed to do and seen everything we wanted to see. So at about 4pm we headed up to the cinemas and were going to hang out in the arcade until the movie was on, but when we checked the movie times it turned out that the movie only showed at 4:50pm monday through to saturday, and the only time it was showing was 9:15pm. haha. I laughed so much. I put coins in the machine where the coins fall onto a tray and then they fall off that and into the other tray and you win tickets for how many you get to fall off. I won a lot of tickets, but I couldn’t be bothered redeeming them. I had so many bags that that was really the only game I could be bothered playing, because all you had to do was put the coin in the slot. And we were really tired by that point, so we just went home, with Beck lamenting over her lost opportunity to see a movie. She hasn’t seen one in quite a while apparently. The last movie that I saw was Harry Potter I think… I haven’t seen one in a while because there aren’t any that I want to see. I’m hanging out for Narnia.

Yesterday I helped mum set up for her xmas party. We had a helium bottle, and I was filling up the balloons. Mum breathed in some helium and talked like a chipmunk. She & Tash were drinking champagne but I just had water. Fermented grapes still make me feel ill. After a couple of glasses they couldn’t figure out the maths to put the balloons on the tables. “How many for this table?” “how many times does 3 go into 11?” “how many times does 3 go into 50?” When we had packed up mum said “Thanks for helping, it was good to have you around because we were so bad with maths”. But the thing is, I never gave them a single answer to any of their mathematical questions. They figured it out themselves. I remember once we had some people over at our house, I think they might have been our cousins, and mum made sandwiches for all the kids. Except one of the kids didn’t feel like eating, so they just sat at the table with the rest of us. At the end, everyone said “Thanks for the sandwiches!”, and the other kid said “Thanks for nothing!” Not in a mean way, but just matter-of-fact.

I ate my dinner out of the cat’s bowl on the floor. That sounds worse that it is. Actually, the cats eat out of these little ceramic bowls. We have white ones and coloured ones, but there are only ever 2 coloured ones and about 8 white ones. Lauren served up the food, and I wasn’t very hungry so I said I only wanted a tiny bit. Mum wanted only a little bit too, so lauren served up the food in one coloured bowl and one white bowl for us, and in the bigger bowls for everyone else. Mum got in first and took the coloured one and laughed that I had to eat out of the white one. Then when I got over to the lounge room where everyone was sitting, there were no chairs left so I had to sit on the floor. That usually happens, I don’t often sit on the couch. But I prefer the floor anyway. Then I don’t have to worry about where to put my water or my food, because everywhere is flat. I’m not sure why I like it so much but I do. I will never complain about having to sit on the floor.

Work tomorrow. I’ll do my usual day from last week (though I bailed on the last couple of days because I felt like crap). 6:30am start, finish at 3:15, go to gym, back to work by 5pm, work until 8pm, cabcharge home. Except Thursday. If the postie has dropped off my registered mail card by then, I’ll pick it up on Thursday morning bcause I have to start work late anyway. I think. I can’t remember. Then the weekend is Christmas, then work on Wed, Thurs, Fri, down to Yamba Saturday for NYE, back to Brisbane on Mon, back to work on Tues, work through to Fri, fly out on Sat 8th. That’s a hectic couple of weeks. I hope I get all my outstanding stuff at work finished by then. I mean, i will have to.

I hope the deliveries arrive before Christmas. It would really suck if they didn’t. I need a fallback. I have no idea what I’m getting dad. He’s so hard to buy for. I’ll call him tomorrow, because I don’t want to get him the same old thing. That’s boring. I hate boring. agh.

What I want for Christmas:

White Stripes White Blood Cells
Kaiser Chiefs Employment
GHD
PSP
Camera
Docs
A brain transplant

 Posted by casbot at 10:20 pm

We bury our secrets in the garden

 Family, Friends, Music, Work  No Responses »
Dec 162005
 

I am so tired. But if I was going, I would be gone by now. I’ll stay until 6:30pm because that’s 3 hours, and then I’ll go home. I might walk home. The Valley is scary in the evening if you are alone (not the main part, only the part that no one visits, where the homeless people hang out and past the Den and the peep-show places) I’m doing a good job of convincing myself it’s a bad idea, but I don’t really care right now.

Stephen keeps flicking rubber bands at me, but they don’t hit me so I don’t realise until one lands on the paper right in front of me. And then I will look up and there are rubber bands all over my desk. I try to flick them back at him but they hit the roof and rebound, because I have to shoot them upwards since there is a wall in the way. I just sent him a picture of a rubber band that i drew in mspaint, a virtual rubber band. Beat that,band-boy!

I really like Bloc Party. I have been listening to them all day, and Expatriate (I think this is what they are called) too. Also White Stripes, the Denial Twist is really good. I like that whole CD, get behind me satan. I have a lot to listen to when I get home…. Muse, The Departure, the vines, the hives, interpol, ramones… Score! Katrina B just gave me two whole boxes of paperclips! In this time of carefully rationed stationery, they seem to be hard to come by. Also, I wrote down for a new pencil (one with delusions of grandeur) on the stationery list and I still haven’t got it. Plus I asked for liquid paper (of a white so bright I gotta wear shades – to this Melinda added “I wear my sunglasses at night so i can so i can…) Anyway, Katrina B’s leaving today on maternity leave, and everyone keeps coming by to give her hugs and say goodbye.

Anna asked me if I want to come into the city tomorrow night to see the Christmas Carols. I will go.

I will have to remember to remove the email disclaimer when I get home tonight.

 Posted by casbot at 4:05 pm

Wednesday’s colour should be red, but from here it just feels grey

 Angst, Computers, Work  No Responses »
Dec 142005
 

I hate Word. I hate the way it auto-saves the normal.dot template when you close it, and takes FOREVER. I hate the way, if you have asked something to be printed duplex and then you open a NEW document, it still thinks you’re printing duplex. Get a clue, Word! Gosh!

 Posted by casbot at 2:35 pm

I get the feeling I could leave you on the interstate…

 Angst, Family, Travel  No Responses »
Dec 132005
 

Some things are good… some things are… disappointing.

If you never have an expectation of something, then you can’t ever be let down can you? We should break down all the pedestals… just have everyone on the same level. Home-made pedestals are always dodgy anyway, unless you’re a skilled pedestal-maker, you should probably leave it up to the experts. Especially if the pedestal is really high. Shoddy workmanship could cause it to be unstable, and you could fall, and then where would you be? Well, you’d  be down on the ground with the rest of us, except that you’d probably be hurt. And your pride would be hurt too. So unless you know of someone who’s a safe bet for a quality pedestal, it’s just better to stay down here where there is nowhere to fall from.

I’m tired. And thirsty. I’m going to have a drink of water & then go to bed. I liked how Noelle said that if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? and if you’ve never left the country that you’ve lived in all your life, does overseas actually exist until you visit it? A tiny part of me believes that it might not. I like that part.

 Posted by casbot at 9:40 pm

People… they don’t mean a thing to you

 Family, Shopping, Travel, TV  No Responses »
Dec 122005
 

I got my watch, and I got time, and I could spare you some too. I stayed back at work tonight to get more money so that I can start the process over again. Spend spend spend. I like the end result, though sometimes it does cause worry and maybe a lot more than is for the greater good.

The stars are shining, even though the curtains are closed and the lights are on. I can hear the clickety clack of the keys and the backspace key is the loudest of all. But I’m not using mine at all and that’s why this makes no sense. I admire the effort it takes to leave things as they are, even if it is my own.

Okay, plus there are so many weird things happening right now that it couldn’t help but leak into my thoughts and then spill out onto this blog. (By saying it couldn’t help, I mean that I couldn’t help taking the time out of my hectic schedule of night-time to log on to messenger, click on the myspace tab and start a new blog entry). but you know, I had to do it. It’s like a pensieve. If I don’t get this out, there’s just too much junk floating around in my mind that I don’t want to think about.

I have a parcel waiting for me at the post office! how exciting! What’s in it I wonder? yay. I got my bank account things today, and I think that means that there’s a card waiting for me at the branch. double yay. I bet they didn’t believe me when I said I was going to put so much down as an initial deposit, but I am a woman of my word. Or a girl of  my word. Am I really that old? 22 isn’t old is it? How do you judge what is old and what is young? I don’t want to be immature, but I don’t want to be old either.

Mum liked my letter. Lauren liked my letter. Perhaps I will send them tomorrow. People like getting letters, those are just the rules of the universe. Just like I like getting parcels, but I don’t like when they leave the note that says “We dropped by at 2pm, when no one with any sort of life would be home. So, we’ve left your parcel at the Post Office, where you’ll only be able to pick it up during the ridiculous hours that the postal workers stick to. Have a nice day!” Only they don’t say have a nice day.

I wonder when arrested development is on. Why aren’t I asleep yet? I’m going to be dead tomorrow. I have another 6:30am-8pm day waiting in the wings, just waiting there, daring me to be reckless and stay up just a little bit later… come on, just one more sentence… one more word on the page… That word could be, “goodbye”. but that’s too formal. It could be “see you in Paris! I can’t wait!” But those are too many words to qualify as the one. I can’t wait for Paris either. Nor can I wait for the flight out of here. I’d like to lock my door and zip my bag and leave right now. If only there weren’t so many things I was waiting for.

I think tomorrow I’ll go shopping. No lunchtime, after work, between end of work and more work. And maybe if I am good and say my prayers then we will see home once more.

 Posted by casbot at 10:46 pm

How we love the seasons that howl in our stomachs

 Family, Friends  No Responses »
Dec 102005
 

I have gone mad. Where is everyone? Mum is at work, Lauren is at Nathan’s, Nathan is at Nathan’s, Noelle is in the Netherlands, Anna is at Anna’s, Rosehole is at Dad’s, Dad is at Dad’s. I am here, in my own mind. How do you leave that? I don’t think it’s a good idea. I feel strange at the moment, like I am made up of parts that don’t really all connect to make a whole. I’m just kind of suspended here. Maybe this is what happens when you go past complete and utter boredom and into the great unknown beyond that.

I don’t like being alone at the moment. I think this is a temporary state because I always rely on myself. I am fine with being by myself. I don’t want to rely on other people, because nothing ever matters to someone else as much as it matters to you, and vice versa. Is there even the possibility of finding someone who cares as much about the same things as you do? In my experience it is not. But then, impossibility is an impossibility and you can’t rule anything out. Can’t events ever just unfold the way your mind plans them, or the way you’ve been hoping, or the way you wish they would? (The answer is no. I don’t think this has ever happened in my lifetime.)

I had this sensation of complete freedom, walking into the living room it was just so huge that I decided I didn’t like it.. I’ve been so flat-out this week, every minute is planned. That can be overwhelming in itself, if things take longer than you expect or anything else unexpected occurs. But this, not having any agenda to work from, not having anything planned, just having nothing but time… that’s even more overwhelming. What do I do? I feel like I’m wasting an afternoon here… isn’t there anything I could be doing??? Things that I don’t find time to do during the week? Or something indulgent like reading or watching a movie or … I don’t even know… I tried to concentrate on reading and I couldn’t do it. I’ve been trying to watch DVDs but it just bores me after about 15 minutes. I don’t know what I want to be doing… organising things I guess.

I wish I had a giant board to write up lists and then cross them off one by one. I wish I had the address book so I could write addresses on the Christmas card envelopes. I wish I had a printer so I could print off the letters. I wish I had soft copies of the photos of our house. I wish I had a photo of my family. I don’t think there has been a photo with all the members of my immediate family in it for ages.

I wish I could say what I’m really thinking to Rosie. I wish she would tell me the truth. I wish she would tell anyone the truth. I wish people would just say what they mean. I wish I didn’t feel so sad.  i am scared.

I’m scared.

 Posted by casbot at 6:08 pm
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