I’m being so lazy with my diary entries. Usually when i do write there’s enough there to make up for it. I don’t know why I even bothered to write the other night when I was tired and just wrote these halted sentences. dumb.

Went to Audra’s baby shower today. I don’t know why i dread these outings so much, but i do. But this one i didn’t dread as much as julies. i’m not sure why. Julie was there today. She looks really good, didn’t look much bigger than the last time we saw her a few weeks ago. She’s due in 12 days or something, but she said she’ll probably come to our work christmas breakfast on the 18th. Fran said that we could stay as long as we wanted at the breakfast, because she’ll be there too. it’ll be on at Coffee Club on Eagle St Pier. Should be nice.

Another thing i’m dreading so much is work tomorrow. I’m dreading this whole L. thing. I sent mortgages out to get signed and the customer only had one copy witnessed, so the other copy is useless. now i have to get them to sign another copy and i also realised that i got them to sign the non-urgent mortgages, which is going to get me in the shit. I’ll have to send them out again and just say “both copies of the mortgages need to be witnessed. oh and by the way i got you to sign the non-urgent mortgages. Here are the urgent ones, and i’ve wasted another week and they could have been lodged by now.” it’s worse because the customer is a self-actor and knows how everything works. It’s shit. And i’m not looking forward to this whole RP thing either. i just know i’m going to do up stat decs and stuff because i’m not going to find the CT. And the branch will blame me.

One good thing is that mum agreed to go on the bill for me with my phone. So the account will be in her name and i’ll just get the bill. I don’t know what phone i want to get, i don’t know if what beck said is true about phones taking pics on a certain frequency and in 2 months time that frequency won’t exist any more so picture phones will be useless… it sounds a bit like a conspiracy to me. Don’t know if i can believe that. I hope it’s not true. I want to get a panasonic like bec’s mum. Beck’s phone doesn’t’ take pictures in real time, when you look at the screen there’s like a 2 second delay, which is a pretty long time in camera time.

Movieworld was fun. beck reckoned i’d get burnt but i didn’t. my skin felt a bit hot at the end of the day but i am not burnt, which is good. i did put sunscreen on. i might do a bit of sunbaking this weekend. I feel so white. i think i am fairly pale, but not as much as some people. Plus i tan easily, so it’s a problem easily solved, right? I went on a lot of rides that i didn’t think i’d go on. this is how the day went:

Caught the 7:43 train from morningside to central, pretty uneventful. I arrived at 8:03 and beck’s train would get in at 8:16, and i had arranged to meet her at maccas, so i had some breakfast there. Watched some wiggas come and go, sitting on a bench across from macdonalds. Beck & her little sister Tanya arrived and then we had to wait for Beck’s mum. So we walked around the city for a while. Beck’s mum got there at 9:30. We then caught the train to Helensvale, and the bus from helensvale to movieworld. First thing we went on was the batman ride, according to beck it was tradition. That ride really jerks you around, i totally thought i’d get seatbelt burn. Then we went on Lethal Weapon. Only beck and i went on that, tanya and Kate (becks mum) didn’t want to, so they watched from the observation area.

It was a fun ride, but I felt like my ears had been bashed from my head banging around. Then we had lunch. i had a burger & fries, and beck had fish & chips (which were apparently still frozen inside). Then we looked at the matrix exhibit. Not very exciting. Then we went on the Wild Wild West ride. (if you’re at dreamworld it’s the log ride). That was fun, but i was really scared. I kept saying to beck “i’m so scared” and tanya, who was sitting behind me & beck, was saying “i wanna get off mum, i wanna get off! This is too scary!” lol. that’s how i felt. beck said to me “just be quiet, or you’ll scare tanya even more”. so i turned around to tanya and said “it’s okay, i’m a bit scared too but it’s bad for like one second and then it’s over”. and it was. i needed to convince myself of that too. When we got off, my hands were shaking so badly & my legs felt like jelly. But i got over it. Next thing we went on was the scooby doo spooky coaster. it was so cool, as beck said “it had just enough of everything”. especially the part where you go through this green smoke that looks like a tunnel and then you’re above everything and you’re going around these corners where you feel like you’re going to fall off… it was great. tanya was really scared at first and it took some convincing, but she loved it too and we went on again, this time with kate (she didn’t go on the first time and i had to sit next to this gross old man). Then we headed up to the looney tunes village, and went on the roadrunner rollercoaster. me & tanya went on that one twice, but beck only went once and hated it, and kate didn’t go on it at all.

We were pretty tired by this stage, so we got a frozen coke and sat on a bench in the main street. Austin powers and his dancers danced and sang up the street, and then we headed for the park entrance/exit to go home. but then kate decided she wanted the picture of everyone on the spooky coaster ride, so me & beck went to wait out at the bus stop while tanya & kate went back to check if they still had it. We went from the bus to helensvale station to central station, where i said goodbye to beck, tanya and kate. they caught the train home but i was too tired to walk home from morningside train station so i caught a bus from elizabeth street. While i was walking from central station to elizabeth st, i called rosie. dad answered and rosie was in the shower, so she called back a bit later and said that day she and sharna had gone to the blue pools and there were these girl aboriginal kids there. they were up on the cliffs and said that they were too scared to jump, and asked rosie to go first, so rosie and sharna went first to show them there was nothing to be scared of. So they all jumped in and started playing, and then some aboriginal boys came along, and dared rosie & the others to see how long they could hold their breath under water for. When rosie & sharna came back up from underwater, the boys were running away with their wallets and their phones. They were too slow in getting out to chase them, so they went up to the local store and mum was there, and they told mum and mum went to see if she could find them. she found them at greenpoint, but couldn’t get the boys to confess what they’d done and that they had the phones and wallets. so a bit later on, mum took rosie & sharna to the mission and they had a meeting with the elders. The elders said that those boys were already on good behaviour bonds, and that if they were charged with anything else they would be sent away, so to leave it with them to get the phones & wallets back. Mum agreed and they went home. about a half hour later, they got a message from the elders that the phones and wallets had been found. mum went to get them. so rosie & sharna got their phones back and their wallets, but their money was gone.

On january 3 & 4, mum said she’d take me & greta down to yamba. finally. So i told greta, and i think she should be fine to come. she got her new phone yesterday. it’s really cute and takes really good pictures. I think i want a panasonic tho. hers is a samsung.
Greta, Dimity & I are going to see the Lion the witch & the wardrobe live next wednesday (10th). Should be fun. i might need to borrow money from dad before then because i am going to be seriously broke, and because i don’t think i’m going to get my credit card, I’ll need money from somewhere. Fuck credit ratings & the default on mine from when no one paid the phone bill. ruin my freaking life why don’t you. it’s my fault though, but it shouldn’t have happened. no one paid the bill and all claimed they didn’t owe anything. well i can’t have made the bill for $200 on my own!!!

Anyways… Lauren and chris won’t be home til later tonight. wonder if they’re havng fun on the loveboat. can’t call them because i have no credit and our phone still won’t call anything except local. sucks.

 

I don’t think i can take much more of this pressure. I think i’ll collapse, or die, one of those two. i felt faint at work today, like everything was moving around me, swirling around, and i was in the middle trying to stay steady. Nothing was solid. Everything was made of jelly, or that stuff in those jelly mouse pads. I was scared. People seem to pass by me without seeing me. I do all this work, but no one really knows who i am. They know who stacey is. They give work to stacey and she just puts it all onto me. Then she gets the credit and appreciation when i finish the job and everything’s fine, but if I don’t get it done and something else goes wrong, she refers the people back to me so i get all the blame.

FUCK YOU!!!!

Had to get that out. She’s so freakin bossy. She’s sturm and drang, a stormy, horrible person to be around and she’s on a power trip. it sucks. She just decided one day that she didn’t want to do clean-ups anymore, so decided she’d do interstate. and left all her shit behind for me to sort out. So she doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything at all. Why should I have to? That’s a question i ask every day. Why me? Why do I have to? Why is it all on me?

I know life’s not fair, but this goes beyond that. Wendy and Audra looked at me today. i think audra doesn’t like me, from the way she snaps at me. but i can’t think what i’ve done wrong to make her dislike me. Wendy said “You need to tell fran you can’t do it by yourself.” then audra said “you have to tell fran you can’t cope, you’re not handling it.” It’s true, i can’t cope. I just want to leave. I just want to run and not look back. I want to be one of the people that works on the citicat. all they have to do is open the little door and pull down the ramp. And they get to ride up and down the river all day, without a care in the world. I want a job where i don’t have to worry about stupid shit like this. If you haven’t done cleanup, you don’t understand what a horrible job it is. And now Stacey just up and leaves. it’s not fair of her to do that! And fran just agrees. and won’t let greta help with cleanup. “interstate needs to be up-to-date first” well what happens when interstates up to date? why take off the most senior clean-up person to put them on interstate as a rookie? wtf????????

 

This is me falling asleep

this is me, my eyes closing involuntarily.

this is me dreading tomorrow for all the work ihave to catch up on

this is me hoping beck sits at her own desk.

this is me, glad greta will be back

this is me not looking forward to the non-lending loss to be prepared tomorrow

 

I’ve had this screen up for about an hour. Haven’t written anything. Then the net disconnects because someone tries to call and leaves a message (i don’t know why that disconnects us, it changes the dial tone though). I reconnect the phone and dial voicemail, and it turns out it’s chris’s mum ringing “hi cassie, it’s lyn here. if you have a moment, could you give me a call back?” I’ve reconnected the net.

I feel so dark and depressed. This morning i was in a sort of okay mood until i walked past the primary school and for the first time noticed that they have metal fences with barbed wire on top, like a prison. it was so depressing. I’d hate to have to learn in that sort of environment. What the hell is going on? I’m going to have to ask chris when i get home.

Might go to movieworld this weekend with beck. She said she was going to movieworld, and i said “can i come?” and she said “yeah, i was hoping i could take one of my friends” and then i said “i’ll stay over at your house friday night, if we’re going saturday” and she all of a sudden went kind of quiet (which is really strange for beck) and had this look on her face, like she was unsure and didn’t really like that idea. I said “what?” and she said “I’ve never had any of my friends stay over.” and i said ‘why?’ and she said ‘my mum’s kind of weird’ and i said ‘yeah, so is my dad. he’s a hippy. so what?” and she said “my mum sleeps in the nude” like that would be a reason not to have friends sleep over! Ooooookay, my dad walks around the house nude. well, only from the bathroom to his bedroom after a shower, but that’s not the point. the point is that parents are embarrassing, there’s no getting around it. At some point, every parent, no matter how cool or in touch with the times they are, is going to embarrass their kid in some way shape or form. Get over it. I hope she does, i’m looking forward to going to Movieworld. Especially since mum is taking rosie and all her grotty little friends down to Yamba when i’ve been dying to go for like, ever. and mum promised the next time she was going down (ie. this time) she would take me & greta. Now there’s no room for just me.

i hope chris gets home soon. I just sms’d him saying ‘what could ur mum possibly want to talk to me about?”. I wonder if he’ll reply or just leave it. that boy has issues with confrontation. but i will take the line of least resistance. i’m not going to call his mum, i’ll speak to chris instead. Chris just messaged back “Pardon? did she ring my fone?” and i said “no, she rang my & laurens phone & left a message for me. just wondrng if u new what it was about”. why is my heart beating so fast? why am i so afraid? Another one: “i’ll talk to u about it later. i think she’s checking up on me”. That’s weird. Could it be that chris is telling the truth, that his mum is keeping an eye on him? what could she have to worry about? maybe she’s worried he’s taking drugs. I still don’t really buy it.

I had lunch with our team leader today. We got KFC and went to Post Office Square. She told me how she worked at KFC for seven years when she was younger, and how the big bosses decided she was a really good worker and suggested she apply for managerial position, but that her manager wouldn’t let her because she was destined for bigger & better things. That’s like when i was at TAFE, and the teachers wouldn’t recommend me for the office jobs that were going around the place, and i thought they were trying to keep me down but now i realise that they were trying to prevent me from getting stuck in a rut. if i got a job in town i would probably never have left Yamba. i’d be stuck there forever. get married when i was 19 and pop out a few kids. That never would have happened. i couldn’t see how they were looking out for my future back then, and eventually i dropped out because i thought they were trying to sabotage my chances at a job. But they just knew that i had potential. i didn’t. i still don’t. Right now i’m the one training new people in the special art that is clean up stamping & rego. I’ve only been working in the banking & finance industry four months and i’m the trainer? They must be mad. At the mo i’m training beck. she’s catching on really quick, but i don’t think it’s got anything to do with me being a good teacher or anything. i think i’m a really bad teacher actually. I have no idea why beck is learning so quickly. she must be really smart.

Beck’s paranoid about my friendship with greta. once when i went out with her after work, she said to me “am i just a greta substitute?” and i was so shocked i almost laughed. “no beck, you’re not a greta substitute. what an odd thing to say” and she said “i just get the feeling you’d rather be out with greta”. It wasn’t true. I was quiet because we were eating, and i was boiling hot, and just generally uncomfortable. Not because i would rather be out with greta. then today, beck couldn’t unlock my computer after i went to lunch because she kept trying variations of ‘greta’ as the password. Does she think we’re in love or something? I love greta as a friend, but i’m not a lesbo or anything (not that there’s anything wrong with that). beck is way less overbearing when greta isn’t around. she worries what greta thinks of her too. i just think she needs to relax.

Greta reckons i have groupies at work. they’re these various people who just come and hover around me during the day until i answer a question or agree to do something for them. It happens at least once a day, people asking me to help them with something. i don’t know who refers them to me. it’s so strange. i’ll just be sitting there, minding my own business, when i sense a presence behind me. I turn around, there they are, hovering just out of my line of peripheral vision. Today i got a doozy, arranging the dispense of titles for a loan that was paid out about twenty years ago. i have to do up the stat decs and the form 17… it’s gonna be icky. I only just finished stat decs for a file that’s only a few months old. i can’t imagine how i’ll gather all the needed information about a loan paid out 20 years ago. But, “i’ll do my best” i promised. and i will.

Can’t wait til greta gets back on Wednesday. we’re going to have to organise going shopping for audra’s baby shower on sunday. I don’t know how i’m going to live up to expectations since the presents Greta & I bought for Julies baby shower were so plentiful and good. We’ll figure it out.

Might have lunch with lauren tomorrow, at govindas. Then perhaps see “in the cut” in the evening with mum. I asked lauren what time she has lunch and she said “maybe 11″ and i said “cool, i can do that” and she said “but i don’t know, it could be later” and i said “that’s fine, I can do later” and she said it until i said “lauren, if you don’t want to have lunch with me, just say so” and she said “i do want to have lunch with you, i just don’t want you to rely on me being out at a certain time when i may not be” and i said “it’s cool, i can have lunch whenever, you just call me.” i’m lucky i suppose, to be able to do that. In The Cut is on tomorrow nite at 6:45pm. i guess that’ll be it then.

i’m so thirsty. i only just put my water in the freezer though so it won’t be cold enough yet. Lauren and i went for a walk tonite when i got home from work. we walked down to the river and saw a gondola just pushing off from the dock. how romantic. We were sitting on a bench in between these huge big houses right on the river with private docks, wondering what it would be like to live there. lauren said it reminded her of home, the river makes the same sound as the lake, the waves lapping on the shore. made me homesick. As we were walking back, lightning started, and big fat droplets of rain started to fall. Not many, not enough for us to get wet, but when we got home, chris was really surprised we weren’t soaked. Apparently, it had stormed over our place, we must have just missed the storm wherever we went.

That’s cool. i love storms, love being caught in them, but i guess we’re lucky we didn’t get caught in the storm. it’s kind of cold tonight and i don’t want to get sick again.
So tired. i’ll have to go to bed.

 

I’m so tired. my eyes are blurry and they want to close but i won’t let them stay closed. I want to write.

Went to the movies this afternoon, saw School of Rock. It was okay. I saw Uptown Girls friday night, saw Elf yesterday afternoon, and school of rock today. Is that all I can do on a weekend? see movies? it seems like that sometimes. but since the movies are only $5, and they’re air conditioned, why shouldn’t i go? i have nothing better to do. Tonight, after the movie, lauren and i came back and got ready to go to Noelle’s party. i’m so surprised lauren didn’t bail. she always does. Chris came to the party as well. We three all got a bit drunk from the punch and laughed at everything, and lauren put lollies on an ice cream lid in the microwave and we watched them bubble and melt. As soon as i walked in the door i was handed a shot of something that resembled baileys, but was a cheaper version. It didn’t taste as good. The punch was good. I think everyone else was a bit pissed at us for drinking all the punch. the best bit was down the bottom, where the vodka had soaked into the pineapple pieces.

There was a Czech boy there, and he came up really close to lauren and said “what are you?” (because it was a dress-up party – lauren & i came as nerds, and chris went as a homosexual), and lauren said “a nerd. we’re nerds”, and the guy said “what is nerd?” and lauren tried to explain, but i don’t think he got it. His name was Peter, and when a girl came to the party later on, and her name was Peta, he said to her “how are you a peter?” and didn’t understand. it was funny. lauren & i were laughing about it.

Now i feel a bit sick because when we got home, i heated up some spaghetti that mum made for us and put into little containers. and now it’s all swirling around in my stomach. Gross. I’ve never puked from alcohol, and I’m not going to start now.

Work tomorrow. it’s going to be completely shit without greta there. I wish she would be there all the time, she makes work bearable. But i’ll have to have lunch with beck tomorrow, and i hate how we have to eat lunch down in the park with everyone else, and the grass makes imprints on my legs. but if i sit on the path the little rocks make imprints on my legs too. it’s really annoying. can’t we just eat lunch over in the plaza, where they have proper seats and tables?

I’m too tired. i’m going to bed.

 

I’ve just been reading Timecube. It’s hilarious. Let me quote:
“If I tell a human that his 4-corner head (nose, 2 ears and back corner) has only a 1-corner face, the dumb-ass will say to me – “prove it”. He knows not that his face is a corner.”
How funny is that? What the hell is this guy going on about?

I can hear people walking outside up the street. I think one of them dropped a bottle and another one clapped. Not sure what they’re doing. Chris left the front door open, the fool. He was worried about going into lauren’s second room because she’s asleep in her first room, but didn’t stop to think that maybe playing his music at full ball might wake her up as well. Der.

I know I’ve been in a really bad mood, and really cranky towards lauren and chris lately. I have reason to be in a bad mood (several reasons, in fact) but no excuse for taking it out on them. For some reason, I find it impossible to respond to anything lauren says to me in a nice manner. She’s always so chirpy. I just feel like saying “shut up and give someone else a chance to be happy!”. She acts like a retard most of the time, her reactions to things are amplified, she’s too excited, too happy about most things. It really irritates me. I just need time around people with normal outwardly displayed emotions. Greta for example. It was fun going to the movies with her & dimity last nite, and then going for a drive afterwards. I wish I could have gone to Straddy this weekend, but i got my period and it would have been really uncomfortable. I hate it.

i applied for a credit card thru national today. i hope i get it. i can’t see my money lasting much longer, i only have $500 left and i was supposed to have $500 for xmas presents. that’s not what this $500 will be spent on. I’ll have to buy things like bus tickets, pay lauren for the phone (which, incidentally has been barred on long distance & calls to mobiles. Like I care now anyway). If i get the credit card i’m going to rent a washing machine so that I don’t have to get mum to do my washing. i always worry that it won’t be back and i will have no clothes.

i’m going to give greta all my fish tank shit. i’m not worried that i’ll want a fish tank of my own. If i do, i’ll just buy a new one. Greta wants one more than i do at this point in time. I just want a plant or maybe two… whatever. I don;’t know when i’ll get one. Was going to get plants the weekend we were making everything lovely in this place, just after chris moved in. but we went to big w and i got a dvd player instead. i have lots of dvds now. it’s good. i’ve been watching dark angel for the past few days, just couldn’t get enough. i was catching up on the episodes from the second series that i never saw. i don’t know if they weren’t aired or whatever. Such a good show. The series sets were reduced from $80 to $40, a fairly good deal, so i bought the first & second set of the first series, and the first & second set of the second series. i finished the ones i hadn’t seen and now i’m going through the first series. i only remember vague parts of the first few eps.

Noelle’s bday party tomorrow nite. lauren is going, which is a huge surprise because she usually pikes. i guess there’s still time for her to do that. We have to dress up as something starting with either n or h. I have no idea what i’m going to wear, haven’t even thought about it til today when i was reminded of the fact. I said to chris, “you’re invited to noelle’s bday party too”, and he goes “yeah, i know, i got the email” in a real der voice. i just thought ‘fuck you too’. what the hell was his problem? I know they could say what the hell is my problem, but that’s okay because i know what it is. maybe he’s just getting me back because i’m not acting towards him the way he thinks i should be.

i’m in a strange mood. probably pms, but you never know. i hope it passes. i’m always angry at everything and i hate this feeling. This anger is making me angry. It’s worse when i’m at work, but still bad  when i’m at home.

it should pass. can’t last forever.

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