whew… (catch my breath)… the past couple of days have been kinda hectic… bushfires have devoured huge chunks of the national park, and I have been breathing smoke for days.

Yesterday morning when I woke up, I looked out my window and it was as though I had translucent contact lenses on with a yellow tint… everything was fuzzy and faded. I, being the naive, paranoid baby that I am, thought that maybe there was something wrong with my glasses… except that I hadn’t put them on yet. D’uh. So then I thought there was something wrong with my eyes… Don’t laugh too much, I was still half asleep at this stage.

I went upstairs and woke rosie up, and said “does outside look strange to you?” she looked out her window slowly, and then bolted upright. It was then that I realised I could smell smoke. The fans in my room were on pretty high, so i figure I musn’t have had much smoke around me there anyway. Me, Rosie and mum all looked out of the glass doors to the verandah… it was so strange. The cicadas, who had been chirping incessantly for days, could not be heard at all. It was eerie… yellowish light and complete silence – we couldn’t see beyond the edge of our backyard.

Rosie and I sat down to watch a video, while mum went back to bed. We tried not to worry about the strange stuff going on, because we knew there were bushfires around. Approx. half an hour later our uncle Trevor called. He works with the SES. He told us to pack all our important stuff into the car and prepare for evacuation. I ran downstairs and stuffed clothes and christmas presents (hey, there was room…) into a suitcase and hauled it upstairs. Me and rosie had a few dramas with the cats, because the only one that would stay in the car was dinna. Mother and baby kept scooting out every time we opened the boot to put more stuff in. Eventually, rosie just locked mother and baby in her room for us to collect when we’d finished packing. dinna explored the car and then curled up and went to sleep. By now our eyes were watering from the smoke, and I was on the verge of a panic attack – i don’t know how I managed not to have one…

after everything was packed into the car, I sat in there and waited, occasionally begging mum to leave. mum insisted we should stay until the very last minute, because once we were out of wooloweyah we would not be allowed back in again.

That confused me a bit… Since a fire was coming that could destroy our house whether we were there or not, why not leave asap? once the danger is a little less real, we could go back home again jiggety jig.

Then my cousin, Mark, and his father (trevor) arrived to give us the lowdown. They said the fire was down behind campbell street, which is where my dad lives. they suggested we hose down any areas of the house that were made of wood, and also any dry areas of the garden. this we did, and then we went and sat on the gutter a few metres up from our driveway with the rest of the neighbours. I was stressed, worried about our house and the cats… I didn’t want to lose anything. How selfish and materialistic of me… what’s wrong with me? All I could think about was how horrible it would be to lose the things in my room which I couldn’t fit in the car. My fish were down there, and luka and ceda’s chickens were still across the road in their coop. They couldn’t be saved if we had to leave… When I mentioned this to mum, she looked at me like I was a selfish bitch. “It doesn’t matter, cassie”. Of course it doesn’t. What matters is that everyone is okay, but once that has been established, can’t I worry about the other stuff?

Anyway, we didn’t end up having to evacuate. The firefighters kept the fire away from us, although the verandah of a house in dad’s street did catch fire… they put it out. Luckily, because the lady was still asleep in bed when it happened.

I’m feeling insecure and a little shallow. Am I materialistic? I’m worried about when I”m going to move to brisbane. For so long now I’ve been completely sure that I am ready, but now that it’s getting closer, I’m scared. What if I was only doing a really good job of lying to myself? could that really be true? I don’t want to go through what I went through last year… Will I cope? I’m very different to the person i was last year, but is that enough? will the stupid little childish, lazy part of me come out once more and will I be responsible for stuffing up this opportunity again???

I wasn’t going to write in here today. It’s been a pretty pissy day all round, but I figure that it can only get better from here… (see, that’s me tempting fate. C’mon fate! come get me!) But I’m feeling a little better after playing some really old dos games… these were the cream of the crop way back when. Games like Hocus Pocus, Jill of the Jungle, Duke Nukem 2, etc…

Now I’m searching for this game we used to have called D-generation. it was such a weird game, i never quite understood what perspective i was playing from. It was on a cd we had with some other games like contraption zac, which i personally never got the hang of… and also this game with these animals and you had to knock over these domino looking things… and i’m babbling, sorry o_O…

For some reason I am a lot more attached to these old games than the new fancy-shmancy ones. Not that I’m attached to games much anyway, it’s just that i like the old ones better. A lot more imagination. New games seem to hide behind mind-blowing visuals and unnecessary violence… what is the big deal about shooting everyone in sight? I played that 007 game, and I just don’t get it. What is so damn great about blood and guts and misplaced machismo?

Well, i’ll never understand guys. i’ll have to resign myself to the fact that guys don’t understand me either

no one seems to care about the middle. It’s always the beginning, and the end… like we could really just forget the whole middle part of our lives. The most meaningful things happen in the middle, the middle is when things are at their peak, when life is the most vibrant, exciting, depressing, dangerous…

But anyway, that’s not really what I was going to talk about. Yesterday I went to Shelley beach with Caroline, Lou, Pat and John. I am so burnt now, because it was soooo hot yesterday… I felt like i was suffocating, and i had to hurry through the bush to get to the beach. But then, when i finally got to the beach, it was so relief at all… it was stiflingly hot down there as well.

We sat on the beach for about 3 hours, while Lou slept and Caroline, pat and john talked about old people stuff. Not the interesting old people stuff, like how life was during the war (rations and drawing lines up the back of your legs so it looked like you had silk stockings), they were just talking about times when they’d been ripped off by someone or other, caroline was talking about the builder who ripped her off and someone suing for thousands of dollars after the HIH insurance collapse… I was bored. And today, what do I have to show for it? Weird sunburn, because I was wearing joggers, i have sunburn that goes down my legs but stops abruptly where my socks were. How embarrassing. I’m going to have to wear long pants or socks for the next few weeks… boo.

Anyways, best be off. I’m going into town today with caroline, to get a blood test and a new prescription… my weet-bix is sitting in the microwave turning slowly soggy and gross.

xxoo

1. IF YOU COULD GO BACK AND GIVE BIRTH TO YOURSELF, WHAT WOULD YOU NAME YOU? I find saskia pretty unusual, and i always think it suits me for some reason… yeah. saskia.

2. WHAT TWO ADJECTIVES WOULD YOU USE TO DESCRIBE THE FOLLOWING:

YOUR INTELLECT: useful, interesting
YOUR SEX LIFE: boring, fucked (ha… how ironic)
YOUR ATTITUDE: weird, happy
YOUR SPIRITUALITY: personal, original
YOUR PASSIONS: beautiful, individual
YOUR FAMILY: unique, brilliant
YOUR FRIENDS: great but absent

3. TO GET RIGHT TO THE MEAT…IF YOU HAD THE OPTION OF BUMPIN UGLIES WITH ANYONE YOU KNOW PERSONALLY…WHO WOULD IT BE? I really don’t understand the whole ‘bumpin uglies’ term. but um… at the moment, i don’t know anyone well enough to want to ‘bump uglies’ with… ask me last week and i would have said… oh you don’t want to know

ANY MUSICIAN? anyone tall, dark, cute… with olive skin and beautiful eyes… who fits that description? I don’t really take that much notice of what musicians look like… i’m too busy listening to their music

ANY ACTOR? Oh yeah, Logan from dark angel… michael weatherly. Or Hugh Jackman.. he is sooo sexy.

ANY WRITER? That would be a bit sad wouldn’t it? the only male writers that I admire (whose books I read) are much too old.

4. IF YOU COULD BRING ANYONE BACK FROM THE DEAD TO DO THE HORIZONTAL BOP WITH, WHO WOULD IT BE? ew… bring people back from the dead? that sounds gross…necrophaelia or something…

5. IF YOU COULD REPLACE ANY MEMBER OF ANY BAND, DEAD OR LIVING, WHOSE PLACE WOULD YOU TAKE? I wouldn’t want to replace any members of a band.. except for if the person i was replacing was really bad and it would be an improvement… but that’d be embarrassing. My non-existent reputation would really take a beating.

6. IF YOU COULD LIVE THE LIFE OF ANY CHARACTER IN ANY MOVIE, WHOSE LIFE WOULD YOU LIVE? I’m going to cheat in this one… i want to be max from the dark angel pilot episode, which was also released as a single movie… or else i’d want to be jen from crouching tiger, hidden dragon.

ANY BOOK? I’d love to be Sayuri from Memoirs of a Geisha, just to wear all those beautiful Kimino…
ANY TV SHOW? Max from DARK ANGEL! stupid question… To make it a bit more interesting, i’d also like to be maya from just shoot me… the whole journalism thing attracts me… but i wouldn’t be so annoyingly moralistic

7. IF YOU WERE TO TITLE YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD THE TITLE BE? “The essence of Mary”… or “I narrowly missed a bear” or “I’m not a bad driver – these are just my oranges”

8. WHAT SONG, IF ANY, IS SO PERSONAL TO YOU THAT YOU COULD HAVE WRITTEN IT? Bic Runga, Sway… I always relate so well to that song.. especially if i have a crush on someone when i hear it… ^_^

9. WHAT MOVIE, IF ANY, DO YOU WISH YOU HAD WRITTEN? Hmm.. tough one. Oh, I wish i had written dogma, cause that was such a funny movie and i wish i could take credit for it. Jay and silent bob crack me up.

10. WHAT BOOK, IF ANY, DO YOU WISH YOU HAD WRITTEN? Habibi, by Naomi Shihab Nye, because it’s a beautiful book and i could read it a million times without getting tired of it.

11. IF YOU WERE TO LIST THE ESSENTIAL QUALTIES OF YOUR PERFECT LOVER, WHAT WOULD THEY BE? Sensitive but not to the point of being annoying, able to take control, be caring, understanding, strong (not necessarily physically, although it would help) someone that i love and understand, and who loves and understands me… or at least, who likes me back. Am i naive or what??? lol.

12. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND RELIVE ANY PORTION OF YOUR HISTORY, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I keep thinking that I would just not bother with the stupid bitch who fucked up a huge chunk of my life and was partly responsible for my depression and anxiety – and who made me lose the best friend I’ve ever had through her jealousy. she spread rumours that i talked about my best friend behind her back or some crap… then spread rumours that she talked about me behind my back. total crap.  I have to wonder if all the experiences i’ve had since then are worth the pain i went through… are they? i guess so, there’s no point crying over spilt milk. move on cause it’s not worth it and life is too short…blah blah blah. I’m trying to be optimistic.

13. IF YOU WERE A PAWN SHOP ITEM, WAITING PATIENTLY TO BE REDEEMED, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?
a pokemon trading card… or a beanie baby toy… or some useless crap like that. I don’t know why… just what came into my head.

14. IF YOU WERE A REFRIDGERATOR, WHAT SORT OF MAGNETS WOULD YOU STICK TO YOURSELF?
Definitely the ones that say “Be smart, use public transport, and GO CAT GO!” which are advertising queensland public transport. my sister has them on her fridge. I’d also have all the free magnets that you get from places like traveland and the video store.

15. IF YOU WERE A CLOCK WHAT TIME WOULD YOU BE? 6:54am

16. ARE YOU SICK OF THESE QUESTIONS YET
well, if i was i wouldn’t keep going. it was my choice to do this survey wasn’t it? least i think it was my choice…

17. HOW MANY SURREALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB? stuff the surrealists… i could make a good joke out of that one: “they didn’t have enough to go around” or something.

Meeeerrry christmas. can’t wait til santa comes around on the fire truck on christmas eve…

Went to a body shop party the other night. Lots of girly stuff going on that i wasn’t used to. “Don’t you know what skin type you are?” uh… no… “Don’t you have a daily skin routine?” no… “What moisturiser do you use?” I don’t own moisturiser. I bought $70 worth of stuff, which should make up for years of neglect done to my skin by me. Poor skin… Ignorance truly is bliss. Now I keep thinking I can see pores becoming clogged and dirty… wrinkles appear before my eyes. Whats the big deal? I don’t care. Anyway, we played a freudian type game, where we had to write down adverbs for different things, and what we wrote was actually describing some relevant part of our life. here are my results:

How I’d like the world to see me:
Mischievious
Childish

The way the world does see me:
Secretive
Independent

My true nature:
Intelligent
Beautiful

My attitude towards life:
Strong
Powerful
Brilliant
Beautiful

My attitude towards death:
Scared
Alone

My attitude towards sex:
Dark
Brooding
Aromatic
Addictive

Excuse the last part… we were supposed to write down the words that came into our head when we thought about coffee… aromatic does seem a strange attitude to have towards sex.

^_^

I’m sitting here at the computer (completely obvious thing to say) at 7:11am, listening to Lauren’s Chill Out cd. It really is chill out music… it’s even got my favourite summer chill out song – Kinobe “slip into something more comfortable”. It’s also got the song from American Beauty, from when they’re watching the plastic bag dancing in the wind. That song never fails to make me feel melancholy… but not a bad melancholy, a good melancholy… if that makes sense.

Anyway, the reason I am able to listen to one of Lauren’s cds is because she showed up at the door on friday afternoon. She never told anyone she was coming down. She’s going back tomorrow (monday) cause she still has to work christmas day, but that’s okay. We’ll see her after christmas. I’m not sure of the exact day she’s coming home, but that doesn’t matter. she’ll be coming home and it’ll be fun ^_^.

She said she’s going to get me a tattoo for my 19th birthday, if I still wanted one. I think i’ll get one. I read something that leunig wrote in his calender, which mum photocopied from her work, where he described life as a holiday, and you go back home at the end of the holiday (which i guess could be heaven) anyways, he said that your body would be your home for the duration of your holiday, and that many people add personal touches to make it feel more like them, more a reflection of the person inside the body. So I figure that’s a cool way of looking at it, I’m just adding a personal touch to my body. I will have to think long and hard about it though. The original idea was for me to get the chinese character for ‘courage’, just a little tiny one on my shoulder, or the back of my neck. somewhere inconspicuous. I’ve got a while to think about it – my birthday isn’t until april next year.

I’d best be off, we’re all going to grafton today for some shopping. not sure if I will actually go, but i’ll get ready so the decision can be made without the stress of me not being ready to go anyway. I don’t really like going to grafton when I can’t afford to buy anything, and i really need some new clothings. i need new singlet tops, and t shirts, and shorts or long shorts.

xxxooo

ps. watched swordfish last night, i didn’t intend on staying up as late as i did, but it was such a good movie… i recommend it to anyone and everyone… very interesting.

Today we went to Ballina. By we, I mean me, Lou, Mike, Pat and John. Pat and John are lou’s mum and dad. They’re really funny. Lou’s dad accidently called KFC ken fucky chicken. He’s an old english guy, and I don’t think they have many KFCs in their part of Leicester. Anyways, Ballina was so hot. As soon as we stepped out of the air conditioned shopping center, I felt like I was being smothered by the heat. It was also really humid, which doesn’t help things at all. I reckon it must have been 90% humidity… just on the verge of raining, but not quite. The sky was overcast in any case.

I just realised that there are some times when I dislike summer. In fact, there are times when I downright HATE IT! I HATE it right now, for example. The reason for this is because I have my periods, and there’s nothing you can do to cool down in summer when you’ve got your periods. No swimming in the pool across the road, no swimming at the beach (just imagine the sharks that would attract)… no running around under the sprinkler, no hose fights… NOTHING. And my periods have been on for 7 days already. Compounding this is the fact that I have no money, and if this advance payment thing from Centrelink doesn’t come through, Christmas presents from me this year will have to be home made. Like, perhaps, a big ball of lint from the lint cache in the dryer. Hey mum! If you put about a million of these together, you might be able to roll them into one ball of oddly-coloured wool! How great!

Shopping today, in K-mart, Lou asked me what I wanted for Christmas from her. I said a pillow for my bed, since my pillow is like 20 years old and it’s kinda falling to bits. I figured that pillows would be like $5-$10. Nope, Lou chose one that cost $21. I feel really guilty. I won’t be able to get them something that costs that much. Lou’s mum and dad lent me $40, in case I found anything to buy Rosie and Lauren while I was there. I found some teeny tiny hair clips for lauren (she’s been looking for some for ages) and then got her 2 g-strings – one pink+orange, and one black. They were on special at Best & Less, and they were decent brands. I hope no one is too disappointed with my presents this year. I’ve got mum a new saucepan, a huge 16 or something litre one with a clear lid, so you can see the stuff you’re cooking. I did that cause I burnt the bottom of her other big cooking pot, and it took dad two days of heavy duty plumbing type cleaning to clean all the black gunk off it. But it’s back to normal now, so she will have two pots ^_^. I’m also putting in with Lauren and Rosie and we’re getting mum a mini-system. She really needs her own stereo. I’m so sick of listening to Georgie Fame, or whatever that crap is. I think dad will have to help with that one. I’m getting dad a little tape/radio, so that he can listen to it while he’s working. The radio in his car is stuffed. The one I’m getting him is like the boom boxes you used to get before personal cd players came out – only it’s a lot smaller, and it’s prettier – blue and silver. I think I’m getting rosie some make up. Rosie has done a few things that will insure her getting trick presents this year, which is hassling Lauren about a pair of socks that she accidently took to brisbane at the start of the year. Lauren already bought her a replacement pair of socks, but rosie still goes on about it, so Lauren is going to get her a whole heap of socks. That’s going to be funny.

Another thing rosie did was to Lou, Pat and John. They were over for dinner one night, and mum had just gotten back from Adelaide. Mum had bought us glow in the dark necklaces from Crazy Clarks, and was showing them to everyone. We all know that once you crack the necklaces they’re only glow for a short time – unless you put them in the freezer, so when mum went inside, after she’d given everyone a necklace to look at, rosie came outside and grabbed them all back, and went off in a huff. She shoved them in the freezer then went to her room and slammed the door. I told mum just today, and mum said she had no idea that happened. John said he was going to get rosie about 20 of those necklaces, since she seemed to love them so much. But Lou got her a nice bath towel instead. Rosie didn’t have a bath towel of her own.

Anyways, I’m thirsty. I’m going to go have a drink… and not alcoholic

Love you all!

Soon as my periods are over, I’m jumping straight into our neighbours pool! I’m sick of this crap! I don’t ever want to get periods again… how unfair. Tampons are the most overrated pieces of shit, as if they mean you can go swimming without worrying about anything. Stupid libra fleur.