I haven’t talked to lauren since the last time I talked to her (what an odd thing to say…) which was last week or something. So, therefore, I have no updated news on the Penelope issue. I hope she moves out.
I changed rooms again today. That’s like the 6th time this year, and I can’t figure out why I keep doing it. I just feel like it, and so I pack everything up and move across, through the downstairs living room, and into Lauren’s old room. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Lauren’s old room is much nicer in summer. It’s so warm, but without being stiflingly hot. The room is basically a square, with a window on three walls, and a door on the one left over. I’m pretty sure it’s not very good feng shui, but that’s okay because I’ve got my fish tank (which is a really good feng shui cure especially with goldfish), and I’ve got a wooden Japanese fan with a red ideograph on it, and red tassels that the cat tries to eat. I’m not entirely sure what the ideograph means, but I’m guessing it’s not anything bad like asshole, or shithead or something. I also have a red and gold bali umbrella in the corner of my room, which makes me smile each time I look at it. My favourite colours at the moment (they have been for a while) are red, orange, yellow and pink. They make me feel energised, vibrant and happy. Also, I have my bookshelf, cause I really love my books. Surrounding yourself with things you love is also good feng shui, as the energy it creates is positive.
Mum got me a new bed already. It’s in my room – I set it up today. I didn’t get a base, because there was already an old ensemble base in Lauren’s room, but that’s okay. The new bed is soooo comfortable. I’m so pleased to actually have a double bed, because I used to feel like a kid in the old single bed. No wonder – I’d had that bed since I was 4. Now all I need for the bed is a new quilt, quilt cover, base sheet, fitted sheet, flat sheet, a couple of pillow cases and a couple of pillows. I wonder if I’ll be able to find a pillow as good as the one I have now. It’s old and the seams are splitting, but I just don’t like the other pillows. My pillow is just the right shape and softness.
Something I know: My cat coos like a pigeon if you pat it when it’s asleep. Last night, he came in to my room and slept right next to my head, curled up in between my cheek and my arm (I sleep with one arm above my head… kinda like a lazy ballerina). I sleep much better when dinna is there, he makes little soft cooing noises which are just so cute.
Something else I know: I am lactose intolerant. Yay. Goody. Not. If I drink milk, eat chocolate or ice cream, or have cheese or yoghurt or butter, I get sick. The only things out of those that I’m really worried about are the yoghurt, ice cream and chocolate. I don’t have them all that often, but when you know you can’t have something, it just makes you want it more. I’ll deal with it tho, no problemo. I always do. What else could be wrong with me? So far there’s asthma, lactose intolerance, spondylolisthesis, scoliosis, double vision, weak knee joints (which means my knees dislocate from time to time) and depression/anxiety, which is the one problem that seems to have affected me the most of all of them. I could ignore everything else, mind over matter and all that, but seeing as depression is a disease of the mind, it’s not so easy. In fact, it’s almost impossible. But I am strong – I know I am, because I have climbed out of the pit I was in. I’m happy, bright, loving and funny. I’m the photojournalist’s geek (meaning I fix his computer when something goes wrong). I no longer fight so much with Rosie, although she tries to fight with me. I understand how she feels because I went through the same thing at her age. I appreciate her a lot more, she’s a good kid and I know she needs my support at this time in her life. She’s in a transitional stage where she learns so many new things every day, and it’s hard to take it all in. It can be overwhelming.
The only person I’m having trouble with at the moment is mum. I love her so much, and I can see how much it hurt her to see me so depressed and wasting away, but now that I can stand on my own two feet, all I’m asking for is a little independence. She still treats me like I’m a five year old. It may have been appropriate before, but not now. I want mum to see how much better I’m doing, and I want her to be proud of me. I wish I could just say that to her, but you can’t force someone to respect you. I guess that’s all I need – some respect. Just a bit, so that I don’t feel like mum has me on an invisible lead.
The same song keeps singing in my head when I ponder this. It seems a bit strange – nelly furtado, turn off the light, where she says “I pretend to be cool with me, want to believe that I can do it on my own without my heart on my sleeve.” It doesn’t even correspond to anything going on in my life, which is why it’s so confusing. Another line from a song that keeps coming into my head is from a (wait for it) Hanson song, Weird, where they say “When you live in a cookie-cutter world, being different is a sin, so you don’t stand out, and you don’t fit in” the part that gets me the most is the don’t stand out and don’t fit in bit, which describes me perfectly. I’m easily forgettable, I think, but it’s not as though I actually fit in with any group, or relate to people my own age. I’m feeling utterly alone at the moment, and I wish I was back up in Brisbane with Chris and Greta, always talking and laughing and never leaving too much time to think really deeply about things. Chris rang me the other day, and I was really glad to hear from him. We talked about nothing, but he cheered me up so much. Not that I was depressed, but I was just in a sort of nothing mood, where I couldn’t decide how I was feeling.
Anyways, I’m going to go make a sandwich for tea or something… ciao ciao
xxxooo
and also about getting a job in the meantime. Last night I got a call from a place I applied for a job at. Rosie answered the phone, and said “Cassie, it’s for you, it’s some guy from the Blue Dolphin”. Then, before she handed the phone to me she said “is this about a job? did you get a job?” I was pretty embarrassed, because the guy just rang to say that the positions had been filled, and to thank me for applying…