Today I saw J. It was so strange seeing him again because just this morning on the bus, when we were coming up to the turnoff, I was going through everything that happened when I started martial arts. I still lust after him. He’s such a god. Everytime I think about him or see him, I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to actually have the self-confidence to just go up and speak to him. I wish. If I could do that, I wouldn’t need to go back and see J anyway. If I had self-confidence, I could see that pining away after a dickhead like that is not going to get me anywhere.
I really need some closure on this J issue. I need to see him and for him to say that he either hates me and never liked me and that he was just playing with me, or that perhaps the feeling was mutual. Then I would finally be able to let go of this crush I’ve been carrying around with me for the past year or so. I remember when I first went to tafe and I was checking out the guys, and the only one I found cute was j. He caught my eye once and smiled. I HATE HIM! I wish he’d just get out of my mind. I think the reason I can’t forget him is because I never actually fully knew his feelings. Sure he was getting to be a bastard in the end, but I still can’t forget how cool he started out being. It’s weird – I usually don’t get these huge crushes on guys before I know them, but that’s how it was with j. I was so attracted to him from the moment I saw him. Lust at first sight. I was naive enough to think that meant something.
Lauren’s birthday tomorrow. I have been spending money on her all these past few weeks, but I was stupid enough to give all the things I bought for her to her before her actually birthday. Now I don’t have anything left. There’s nothing worth buying around here anyway. How slack am I? Sorry Lauren!
It is late and I am tired.